Oh my........another family with five kids, and a W that wants to split.
The first thing I will tell you is to take every "excuse" she gives you for her distancing, or her turning to other men, or whatever.......as complete b.s. Your W is cheating. She will scrape together anything she can think of to blame you for her current behavior. Don't buy into it. Those are the actions of a W who wants out of her M, b/c she is cheating.
You will be better off if you won't try to read into her actions, b/c she's just like a needle & thread in stitch work...........up, down, around, pull through and repeat. She will drive you crazy watching her ever changing moods and actions. Don't put much stock into her short bursts of more pleasant "nice" moments. They won't last, as long as she has another guy in her head.
Do not take responsibility for her turning to another man to "talk".......or anything else. She could have found a female who would "listen to her". Women choose to cheat, and much as they want to justify it by the bad actions of their H.........it just does not equate to cheating. You mentioned her strong will. She also has free will, and you have not made her do anything she didn't want.
This is probably going to take a long time, so strap in for the ride of your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
