By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am here to catch up on some threads and wanted to give a quick post for myself.

H came over on Thanksgiving. He spent an hour making mashed potatoes while I made the Prime Rib, salad, spaghetti and garlic bread. I also shopped for and bought everything, then was left to clean it all up. Needless to say, I was feeling a bit angered and taken advantage of the days after.

My anger has been bubbling, not just Thanksgiving but all of it. I was able to release it by writing it all down and burning the letter. I also had a nice talk with a friend. I was able to express everything, and after, she asked me, why do you do this to yourself M? You don't have to do the holidays together. I told her I do it for S. It's either this or miss out on holidays with him being shuffled around, and that is worse to me.

So we chatted and she suggested that if I keep doing this, I can change it in that we all pitch in for the whole process, shopping, cooking, cleaning, all together so it's not all on me. That way everyone would also feel good to pitch in. We can come together for that day, as a family, so S can have the experience and memories that I want him to have.

I brought it up with H today at drop off. First I questioned if he wanted the same as me for holidays and he said yes. Then I suggested, with the upcoming ones coming, that we all pitch in and contribute to the day together, to at least show S what a family should be. I guess the way I said it made him a bit defensive. He felt I was blaming him for how things are. So I asked him, is this what you want? He said of course not, but he doesn't know what else to do.

He said he could move back but that wouldn't fix things. I agreed. He took us back to the lovely past of our failed relationship, and how he was ignored and how unhappy he was....I validated and asked him, why do you think I was so withdrawn and distant? He said he didn't know. I said exactly, you never bothered to find out, up to this day, what was going on with me. It's all you, you, you and still is H. I told him in a healthy relationship there would have been more communication and support, but unfortunately we did not do that. Instead I shut down and he bailed.

Well, that set him off again. That I always say it's all his fault. I answered I don't think that, but I do feel he took it to a whole other level that changed a fixable relationship into one I don't imagine having a happy ending. So it's not that I blame him, it's that I am angry at the hurtful choices he made and still have not ever gotten an apology for when I, on the other hand, have owned up to my mistakes and have apologised several times. I told him, H, I do hope someday we can hash this all out instead of sweeping it under the rug so that we can both be able to fully move on with our lives.

He said so where does that leave us, what should we do, do we file for divorce? I told him, that's his choice to make and not something I will do unless I absolutely have to because this wasn't my choice...divorce was never my choice. He got upset and said why is this up to me? You think I wanted this? It just happened to turn out this way. So I asked him, what holds you back from filing? Why haven't you?

He says he doesn't file because of S. That he knows he will be screwed in this situation and will lose a ton of money. He added that it seems to work ok the way things are. He then added that I am smart in not filing because the longer this goes the better off I will be, and that he has people warning him all the time the longer he waits the worse it will be. But He said for him, it's not about the money, it's about keeping things calm for S.

I said yes, it works for now, but you know that will all change, right? Once we sit down at a table and start splitting things, once we have new partners in our life and start blending that in, everything will change.

He freaked, started asking should he get a lawyer? He was shouting Oh my god all the money wasted for that, why wouldn't I want to keep things calm for S?. He was panicking, taking his hat on and off, pulling at his shirt...so I went to him, took his hand and said whoa H, calm down, I am not out to get you. I have no intention of trying to hurt you. I told him you are my son's dad, I will always have your back and I will always be here for you. We have a bond upstairs (S) that no one will ever break or replace. We, in a sense, will always be family. I am just saying that I don't believe it will always be so friendly, that things will change.

He calmed down and said he feels the same for me. I told him, look H, I only wanted to talk about the holidays and suggest a way to make them better. I told him the holidays are hard for me, a grim reminder of where we are. He said him too. I said it's not easy for me to open my home to him, but I do it for S and am willing to put my feelings aside so that we can all enjoy our get togethers. He just looked down at the ground.

I picked a weed, we were sitting on the front steps, and I walked it over to the trash. I turned around and he had followed me. He opened up his arms and hugged me, I hugged back and we both held it there. He said he was sorry for his part in this and things done. I squeezed him and said thank you for that.

So, several times through out the conversation, he said he doesn't know what else to do. How annoying is that!? How about you should have fought for your marriage? Made an effort instead of running?? I just told him, that's for you to figure out H. And that I hope you are able to figure it out. I told him I don't have your answers and other times I just stayed quiet.

I also brought up that he mentioned moving back a few times and asked him, is that what you want? He said, well I don't want to throw $2500 a month away, I don't want to be away from my son, I don't want to be living my life this way, but I don't know what else to do. He said you have this beautiful house, you have son more than me, you live a block away from work and his school, you have it made and seem happier than ever. I said H, you didn't answer my question. He hesitated and said he never wanted things to end up this way, but they did and he doesn't think moving back would fix things. And again, he doesn't know what else to do.


Another reminder to us all, they are not living the high life they may portray. I saw a lot of pain, guilt and unhappiness in my H during this talk. A big difference from his normal chipper self.

And although the talk doesn't really change anything, it felt good to ask some questions, to express myself, and to finally get an apology. As you all know, I have really needed that.

Thanks for reading and wishing you all well.