Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Whew! Been out and about so much I haven't had the time to update. For the last month things have been getting steadily better between WH and I. I continue to GAL and also be open to him joining me on my activities. This has resulted in him turning more and more toward me. He has begun to return to the dedicated father I used to know. He wakes early and prepares the children's breakfast before going to work, he tries to get off early to be home with me and the kids, he seeks my company. I've let go of the resentment and have really worked on managing my anger.

I think my DB coach said it best, when we are wronged we have this mentality of "Someone's gonna pay." But in the end the scales can never be righted and that is where forgiveness steps in. I could either be right or be happy. So I had to look at my WH and decide if I was going to hold his Affair over his head for the rest of our lives. Aside from me feeling righteous and vindicated there was no real "gain." WH continues to do things to make me feel safe in our marriage, he does not spend much time on his phone anymore, basically work stuff and that is it. No more apps that have questionable activities and he wants me near him a lot. He still struggles with the guilt and I see him crumble when the after effects still ripple. (I have multiple health issues after the fallout)

We're so different now, our relationship is nothing like it was before in our marriage. Part of me is sad because I don't have a lot of my previous held beliefs such as soul mates and knowing I am his "one." The fact of the matter is, I had grown complacent in our marriage and felt he would always be there no matter how much I neglected our marriage. Instead of the grass always being greener on the other hill I realized it's greener where you water it. He and I both need to work on our coping skills but it's a slow process. He will never be the kind of guy who seeks out workshops/books/counselors to work on us. But he is willing to try and change himself to be a better husband/father/man. MWD is definitely right about one thing, you have to do what works and STOP doing what doesn't work.

So I find that trying new things with WH, things that build positive thoughts and memories between us has a HUGE effect. He asks me constantly if I am ok, if I need anything from him, he jumps to help with the household, children and overall mundane activities of running a family. I, in turn, work on my own reactivity, showing him my softer and more vulnerable side, I laugh and smile more. I am truly happy.

Would I be okay with WH? Sure. But I am hoping we can grow old together and raise our beautiful children together. So far it looks like we may be reaching a turning point. Things are not like I imagined but I am finding joy regardless. The divorce has been halted and if we continue in this manner then I may even feel we are "piecing." He has turned toward me and is working as hard as I've ever seen, consistently.

MEasureable things?

He texts and updates me on his daily activities

We flirt a little and he is very attentive to my reaction

We try to carve a day a week just for us and couple activities

We touch a lot, hug and sometimes kiss

I try more daring things, I go on motorcycle rides with WH and will be signing up for rider lessons. (I secretly want a Grom, which is a hilarious bike to own.)

I go fishing with WH, shopping, walk the dogs, we try to find shows we enjoy watching together.

I really pay attention when WH tells me his thoughts, his dreams, his fears, his joys. I turn toward him, make eye contact and really engage.

I've been going to the gym again and watching my diet, overall I am working on a healthier lifestyle.