I understand you may get the A-Male thing" but unless you act on it its no good. I don't see where you get the idea we are in the same boat. My DB time was 2 years ago and since then I try to give back some of the help and lessons learnt from that dark period.
Even then, though some of our behaviour was of the typical LBS, I knew the OM and he knew me and I did confront him and the only thing stopping me from expressing more clearly my disagreement was that owing to work I cannot have a criminal record. If that were not the case he would have a reminder everyday he looked in the mirror.
I do not suggest violence nor do I imply my actions would have been justified nor correct. I am just stating the difference and frame of mind. Believe me, we are on opposite sides of the scale.
FYi One short sentence by Cadet made me realize a lot. OM is a distraction, focus on the relationship. So true. I'll explain why this is important for you later on.
as to your list please note my personal take: -wife has been in EA with BIL for 5+ years, no PA How do you know -wife had PA with OM...looks dead now How do you know -wife believes I verbally abused her in the past (see next) -I was hard to live with due to psychological disorder (OCD)...95 percent better now She could have a case for you being a lousy husband and wanting out but in no way justifies 3 affairs with a 5 year EPA with BIL. That's not on you but her. The fact you still validate that is mind boggling -wife tells me she expects me to leave at some point and does not care Why doesn't she leave? After all she is the one finding solace in the bed of every tom, dick (no pun intended) and harry -I do not want to split time with kids or lose house What options do you have -wife does not want to split time with kids or divorce for this reason so wife wants you to leave while she maintains EPA, still has house and kids? -my sister knows what is going on and has set some boundaries on my wifes interactions with my BIL (a) Has she confronted your wife (b) What boundaries has she set? (c) Does she know you set yourself boundaries and cannot project them onto others? (d) Why on your wife's interactions and not her husband's? (e) How successful are those boundaries? (f) What actions will she take if either one crsosses them? (g) How long does she expect to continue putting the boundary instead of understanding it should be her husband who shuts the door on your wife (h) What are you doing?
-no amount of separation between my W and BIL will keep them from talking to each other...sister will not force BIL to show her phone records. How long will you both allow this to go on? What are you going to do? -I do not want to pay for my W grad school that she started after declaring our marriage dissolved Why is this an issue to bring up in this post? -wife hides our problems from everyone and puts on a happy couple face When will you stop this façade
I do not want to move out...I am told this could have negative ramifications should we divorce. I DO want my wife to feel loss by not attending family functions. I DO wish there was a way to force my wife to leave our house. Have you tried talking to her calmly and telling her this cant go on and maybe she should leave for the sake of the children and both your sanity? You don't love her and she doesnt love you so maybe you need time away from each other?
I was told by DB coaches to NOT inform my family or involve them...including my sister. The only way to exclude my W from family events is to tell my family. I am not a coach but it does seem strange. Your parents, brothers, cousins and family in general are being ridiculed by their inlaws and their own flesh and blood is being hurt by someone they found on the streets. If the DB coaches believe that the only way to exclude W is telling YOUR family then I would. Be honest, how long are you expecting this to continue?
Going back to the comment by cadet. Your Wife's affairs are a deep rooted problem and you need to win her back if you want her. Concentrating on 3rd parties is not the answer. her reference to your previous character is imho an excuse to hide behind her desire to continue.
If the OM is really dead and BIL disappears, in no time she will find someone else's arms. Anyone's except yours.
If you are willing to listen to the advice here and apply it you will gain a lot, otherwise you will just be spinning.
