Guess I am like a lot of men. Man out of the house but bow before the wife. Can't remember when I stopped standing up for myself with her. That actually bothers me quite a bit.
Did you grow up seeing men bow down to their W's? You may have a distorted view of your role in the husband-wife relationship and/or what is a healthy male-female interaction in a MR.
Women want to feel loved. The minute a man starts putting her on a pedestal, he's in trouble. A man needs to know the difference in how to show his W he loves her (read the book about love languages), and how to show her he is proud of her, and how to encourage her and boost her morale. However, he needs to know where to draw the line in doing those actions from treating her like royalty. Know what happens when you spoil her and treat her like she's royalty? She gets a sense of entitlement, and it will not go away easily.
A woman is not attracted to a man she can dominate. This is especially true in a MR. She needs her H to be stronger than she is, so she'll test him to see who is the stronger one. If she can verbally or emotionally beat him down, then she loses attraction and respect for him. If she can say or do little disrespectful things without any response from her H, she'll get worse & worse acting out in disrespectful ways. So, my advice is stop bowing down to your W!
We see this all the time on the board. The man wants to keep the peace, and he wants his W to be satisfied/happy. If she is bossy or a bit of a bully, he figures it will be easier for him if he just keeps his head down and does what she says. Some H's try to do all the work around the house, cook, etc. If they both hold down a full time job, the housework should be divided fairly.....plus helping with the kids nightly routines. If the W is a SAHM, then you should not be expected to come home from work and do all the chores at home, too. There are a lot of women today who have bullied their H into being a shell of the man he was before M. He is the only one who can change his situation.
We would like to help you, but you have to stop making excuses and decide you will change the dynamics in your home.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So glad Sandi stepped in, she's put it in a nutshell.
What concerns me is what you've said about your D's. Have they picked up on how your W treats you and are now following suit? I think you need to make a stand against the unreasonable behaviour of your W (in a calm, measured way) to show your children it's not on to treat anyone that way.
As to Thanksgiving...make dinner, enjoy the day WITH your children. I personally wouldn't invite the in-laws if you're going to be uncomfortable, but if you enjoy their company invite them, STAY and enjoy the day. W can lump it or leave it.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
About Thanksgiving I am considering it for the children. They deserve a drama free holiday with family.
Wait a second, so you're actually considering cooking a Thanksgiving meal and then.... leaving???? Did I misunderstand what you said earlier, that your W told you to fix it for --them-- and then leave so they could enjoy it without you being around? There is no way in a million years you should ever consider that, I mean talk about being a doormat! Sandi touched on this but it sounds like you've let your W control you for quite some time, and now that your M is on the rocks your instinct is to double down on letting her have her way, but that is NOT how to restore your M. If you want your M then you have to model DIFFERENT behavior, not "more of the same" or (worse yet) 200% of the same.
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Normally the dynamic of what she calls fighting. Is she sits and tells me how it is my fault and I just listen. Really don't contribute much to the conversation. Apologize for what I agree our my fault and try to be understanding about the rest. Honestly this mess has improved my listening and validation skills immensely.
Validating is not agreeing. It's also not disagreeing, explaining, negotiating, arguing, etc. It is simply seeking to understand a person's feelings and offering empathy for them. She tells you something is your fault? Ask her how that makes her feel (angry/ frustrated/ etc.) and when she tells you her feelings, you empathize with her ("It sounds like that frustrated you, I can understand why you feel that way.") Please note that this is vastly different from accepting blame for everything.
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I know I need to put me first but kind of in a bind. My family doesn't live anywhere near us and my friends moved out of the city about 6 months ago.
Make new friends. Your W doesn't want to be married to you anymore, so instead of moping around the house you need to get out and get a life. Ask everyone here who has survived BD, S and D and they will tell you the most important recovery tool is GAL. This is a non-negotiable point, and you'll find we have little tolerance for excuses when it comes to GAL. 25 was a busy lawyer raising kids (including a baby) and living in Alaska and her GAL list is enough to make the most hardcore DB'er feel inadequate:
If she is home that night I will leave when they go to bed. Drive 40 miles out to a truck stop and sleep for the night. Drive 40 miles home in the morning and then get the kids ready for school.
That is doormat behavior. Why are you doing it? To give your W what she wants. Again, this is not going to save your M. She has no respect for you, how can you gain respect back? One way would be to NOT leave the house. If she's so uncomfortable with you being around then fine, SHE can leave. She is the one that wants out of the M, let her be the one that's inconvenienced with her choice. She will no doubt throw a temper tantrum, but if you choose to quietly stand your ground she will respect you for it even if it doesn't show.
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So on Thanksgiving it is a catch 22 from the way I look at it. If I don't do it then it won't be done at all. Children don't have a Thanksgiving with the family. If I do make it then I am showing my children it is okay if people treat you that way.
There is another option that is not catch 22. Fix the dinner and DON'T LEAVE. Tell your W that if she's so uncomfortable with you being there then SHE can leave.
So last night I went out and did my own thing. Called a friend I hadn't talked to in a few months. It was interesting to hear him to say the same things I told him. I enjoy the drives they help me process plus I know a great spot to look at the stars and read. Going to do pool again on the weekend. Starting guitar lessons on Friday I am looking forward too wanted to do it for years.
Did my hypno-therapy stuff on fixing "nice guy syndrome", they help with self-confidence, boundaries, forgiveness and host of other things.
We needed a host of things for dinner tomorrow. So I sent her out to buy them with her money. She didn't seem very happy about it. Oh well. When my children went to disrespect me last night she quickly put them back in their place. It is an interesting change since it normally doesn't go that way.
So some things are better. Once she got back from picking up the stuff. I told her thank you, she said I am f**** rude. So told her while I understand she is upset and angry, I won't be talked to that way. Then walked away. Went to bed.
This morning asked her about what she would be making for dinner tomorrow night, what time her in-laws would be there. She told me she isn't doing this right now. Again just with the Understand you are angry but you can't speak to me that way, we would discuss it later. Her response was we won't discuss it ever. So I told her until she can treat me better she needs to go and stay with her friends.
Excited about tomorrow, I love cooking for people so it should be a blast. Plus her dad is awesome he asked me once if I had considered spanking her and putting her in time out. LOL
Good job on the GAL activities! Keep it up! Try to add more stuff that allows you to meet new people.
Originally Posted By: Daystar
When my children went to disrespect me last night she quickly put them back in their place. It is an interesting change since it normally doesn't go that way.
Why didn't YOU put them in their place? And how does it "normally" go?
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I told her thank you, she said I am f**** rude. So told her while I understand she is upset and angry, I won't be talked to that way. Then walked away. Went to bed.
GOOD!!
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Her response was we won't discuss it ever. So I told her until she can treat me better she needs to go and stay with her friends.
Great job showing some backbone! If this is different for you then expect some backlash over it. But STICK WITH IT. Even though she'll be angry, inside she will be developing a new respect for you. And that's a positive thing no matter how negative her outward appearance. It's important to be consistent with your changes though, otherwise you'll be sending mixed signals.
After reading someone else's post. I would like to mention my wife has totally stopped wearing wedding ring. Not a big deal since it doesn't fit her.
My oldest daughter also told me yesterday the W has been referring to me as her ex-husband since at least April of this year. Still a bit peeved her step-daughter knows more about this mess than I do.
My daughter already told me she will testify in court against me in order to make sure my wife gets the children. When I asked for an explanation on that. She said what ever it takes to make sure her step-mom gets the house, the children and alimony. That if I was smart I would make this easier on myself before it actually gets bad for me. She wouldn't elaborate on that.
Your kid from a previous M is going to testify in court so your current W can have primary custody of your children and receive alimony?
Is there something about this you're not telling us? Something that happened in your first M, or something? Because that sounds REALLY messed up.
Your kid from a previous M is going to testify in court so your current W can have primary custody of your children and receive alimony?
Is there something about this you're not telling us? Something that happened in your first M, or something? Because that sounds REALLY messed up.
My first wife moved in a boyfriend. So I moved out one day when I went to pick up my daughter her mother had left the state. I only received custody in the past year. My oldest didn't want a father and only to do what she wants. Plus her and my W have been talking about the D long before I knew about it. They are best friends.
Good job on the GAL activities! Keep it up! Try to add more stuff that allows you to meet new people.
Originally Posted By: Daystar
When my children went to disrespect me last night she quickly put them back in their place. It is an interesting change since it normally doesn't go that way.
Why didn't YOU put them in their place? And how does it "normally" go?
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I told her thank you, she said I am f**** rude. So told her while I understand she is upset and angry, I won't be talked to that way. Then walked away. Went to bed.
GOOD!!
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Her response was we won't discuss it ever. So I told her until she can treat me better she needs to go and stay with her friends.
Great job showing some backbone! If this is different for you then expect some backlash over it. But STICK WITH IT. Even though she'll be angry, inside she will be developing a new respect for you. And that's a positive thing no matter how negative her outward appearance. It's important to be consistent with your changes though, otherwise you'll be sending mixed signals.
She did it because she beat me too it. Normally she laughs or says nothing when they make those remarks. Or she would tell me to stop if I went to correct the behavior. Interesting change.
No sure how to actually make her stay with her friends. Will be interesting to enforce that one. Going to try though. Don't have a problem being around the W. I let her walk on me for so long when it stopped there was so much backlash. Still coming my way though.
I may file first though. I don't want a divorce but she is doing the WAW thing and convinced nothing will change it. Upside at least then I can get custody of the kids.
I let her walk on me for so long when it stopped there was so much backlash. Still coming my way though.
That's to be expected, b/c she has ruled the place for so long that she's not going to want to play nicely.
There is a lot of free information on the web about NGS, so keep studying it and don't depend totally on the hyno-therapy. It basically is finding your backbone and not being afraid to act like a real man.
Nice job at facing your W and telling her she can't speak to you in that manner.
Have you sought legal advice? These threats from the step-daughter to falsely testify........hum........maybe she needs to know the consequences for perjury? Just saying.........it may be all tough talk from her, but you never know. Get a lawyer's advice. Informing him of her preintened false report may protect you, but IDK.
How old is the step-daughter? Has she always lived with you, or 50%? Did you act as the disciplinary parent? My guess would be, no. She's learning from her mom how to make you cow down.
You can't "force" your W to stay with her friends, but if she comes back, you can repeat the same action the next time she says or does something to show disrespect toward you. Your overall message should be something along the lines of, "You can act respectfully, or you can leave". You don't have to eat whatever she throws at you. You are the head of the home. You are the leader and protector. Act like it. Stand tall, take charge, respect yourself, and ooze with self confidence. You can do this!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
