I have been reading your posts and hope I have a clear picture.
The way I see it and as many here are trying to put across is what we used to call Man-up, grow a pair, etc ... you get the message ... I hope. To me you seem to be more worried about other people's opinions, feelings or emotions than your own. In all your posts I have yet to perceive that feeling of anger of having your trust humiliated by your W and secondly your BIL. Even more humiliating to me is your BIL's attitude.
I can accept affairs with randoms, they dont know you so there is no face to match with the emotion. Your BIL knows you, is NOT a direct member of the family but still goes ahead and literally p*****es all over you. In other words, he had no fear nor respect for you, does not and until you emotionally make your mark never will.
At this moment he is the Alpha Male to your W and you are a struggling beta male. In this situation you will never get her respect or any hope of regaining her. Even if she breaks off with your BIL she will just fall into the arms of someone else more exciting and emotionally attractive.
Asking for advice on particular situations or even commenting those is OK if the event is recent and the pain still blinds us. I understand from your signature that this has been going on now for quite some time. To be honest though by now you should have implemented some sort of strategy and be seeing it through with some results. Once TG is over what will be the next action that will merit a comment here.
You mentioned you dont mind her calling names but here there is a clear mention about that and non tolerance. Have you heard about boundaries? Are yours round or shaped like a jigsaw piece with each deformation your compromise to someone elses feelings?
You mentioned you commented this to your sister and she sees it differently because she wants to or because she is blind. Who cares. The question is what do you think and how do you feel. Have you gone to their house and told them both straight to get their act together or anything similar? Do you think it is normal for your sister to accept the woman who is having an affair with her husband into her house? I think I know women and they have a keen Ho-dar and know when a woman is trouble. Do you really think it is normal to have your W go to this gathering where milf & cookies will meet?
Remember it is YOUR family not hers and it is your rules. If she had any morality she would not even consider going. If it were a random person you could even swallow your pride and go for appearances but with your BIL and to his house? Where is the logic in that?
I believe you should bring this out into the open. So sh1t hits the fan. So what, right know you are the only one deep in it. I think its time others should be held accountable. Only don't do it expecting sympathy, compassion or understanding. If your sister is keeping it under wraps there could be a good chance she may resent you for it. Your family may also act unexpectedly and as DB says, friends and family are not always the best listeners nor most unbiased companions. So just expect the unexpected and be on your guard.
You need to take that weight off your shoulder, it's drowning you.
You are fighting for a marriage that has been sinking for over 7 years. In 7 years you have not known a clear road ahead with sunny skies to just enjoy. Your emotional life is shot to bits but you wont know what damage you have done to yourself until this is all over. Neither of you are the same people you were years ago so why try and defend a relationship built on the love, hopes and dreams of 2 people that no longer exist is beyond me.
You seem like a nice guy but without character nor personality and that is not attractive. I also think you have not really understood what this site is about or how it works.
You need to really take a look at yourself and find out who you are, fix yourself up and gain inner strength. Don't expect a miracle cure or that this will be over in a short period. Until you dont fix yourself you will be hooked to this website looking for answers to specific battles when you should be planning the whole war or give up and look elsewhere until you find something that gives you what you want and not what you need. Which is OK if they coincide but tbh I think in your case they are yin-yan.
Dont be afraid of hard decisions, they hurt for a reason, they make you stronger and allow you to go directly from A to B and not waffle through c,d,e, etc. They also build up your character.
In short in my opinion (and I know many will disagree) I would drop the bomb over the table and then tuck into the turkey as if nothing. If I was handed your case and you were my avatar I would use that moment to pass the buck onto the others. If after that your W still gets invited to other events and is not a persona non grata then you can realize what a dysfunctional family you have.
I also think (as jimmy cliff sang):
I can see clearly now the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day It's gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared Here is that rainbow I've been praying for It's gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies
I can see clearly now the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Here is that rainbow I've been praying for It's gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright)…
