Well how did i contribute, thats sort of easy and tough. Like most men in this situation I took her for granted. Although the last year it was more not paying attention and not listening. We did counseling twice after the BD, her for how to get our child through this process and I for how to save our marriage. She didnt tell the counselor about the other man in fact she denied him to her. I found out about him through her and then by looking through our cell phone bill and seeing 100's of texts to him that really started up about 5 days before she BD. She states that I was too controlling, which I was in some ways. One way though I thought was a boundary and she stated it was also too controlling in that I wouldnt let her go out with her coworkers. I didnt have a problem her going out with her coworkers when they included women, but when she wanted to go out when only single men were going then I had an issue with it, especially when they were younger and she had already stated that a few of them were flirting with her. I just felt a married woman shouldnt and wouldnt want to go somewhere with a bunch of single guys, but she didnt see it this way. The counselor did state that we both were pleasers, which we both agreed with. So when there was an issue she would bring up she would then agree with my assessment of how we could resolve it. I thought we were doing good, but I found out she would just accept the resolution to move past the issue and to just please me by pushing her feelings aside, which i am sure led to resentment.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
How do you want to change yourself...for you? Pursuing or not pursuing D is a very individual decision. We’re all here because we don’t want a D but some of us are forced to pull that trigger.
Well I am changing myself by recognizing what i did wrong by not seeing her love language. I am also making changes to be more responsible, such as I would get upset on the inside when I would do things and she wouldnt notice. I now know and recognize that instead of doing things to make her happy, I should of been doing things because it was my responsibilty in the marriage, and not look for validation. She had always complained to me about being overweight and I am losing weight now for myself, so I can be healthier, and a possible side effect would be for her to be more attracted, but a definate side effect will be that other women will be definately attracted. She did state that after i was done with my weight loss that she might consider coming back, but she didnt want to promise anything because she didnt want me to get my hopes up if she didnt, to which I replied well when I get to were I want to be, what makes you think I will want you back and not someone who would bring more to the relationship, which upset her very much. I stated that I want you to be with me through my journey of change, and not just at the end, because if she comes in at the end I told her she would have to compete for my love just like anyone else would and she wouldnt be a given.
I am also spending more quality time with m D5. Since her birth my wife had been a stay at home mom, so I left most of that bonding time with my wife. I would spend time with my D5 but not as much as I am now. I feel we can connect more, one reason being she is older and the second is that her english is much better now. If i iddnt mention this my wife is russian, so we both agreed that my d5 first language should be russian, because she could always pick up english fast in the states. She has picked it up quite quickly the last year an a half so we communicate much better now. I also believe one reason my wife left is that she has had alot of milestones this past year, such as getting her driving license a new job, and nee friends. So all this freedom so suddenly is intoxicating to her. Which i can agree with. In russia grwoing up she felt like she was never the prettiest in the room, so she never got the attention that she is feeling now in the u.s.. i am also trying to GAL as much as I can. I didnt do much of it in september or october, because i was spending all of my time with my daughter and being there for her. It has been a pleasure creating a stronger bond with her.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
