I get it...the question is how can I force either one to not show up without telling the whole family what is going on?
Well, you cannot actually "force" them. If you tell your family the plain truth (and not try to make it sound like it's not really like an affair).......then ask them for their support. These are YOUR family members, not your WW's and BIL's family. It may be too late to do anything before Thanksgiving, and I really don't know the best advice about what to do about tomorrow. Maybe others can tell you.
To clarify what I meant about affecting the family and things not being the same as it once was..........it is NOT b/c you decide to reveal the situation to your family members. It is b/c your wayward W and your wayward BIL are in an affair with each other. When this happens, the family gatherings can never include these two people at the same event.
Yes, I understand very well how devastating it can be on the parents and everyone else. But unfortunately, the two affair partners did not consider anyone else's feelings when they acted on their lustful emotions. And to be frank with you, I suspect they have carried it further. But whether they have slept together or not, they have made their feelings known to each other. And THAT is what makes a big tear in the family being able to carry on as in past times. But guess what? In spite of the raw pain these two people have caused your family......the main family members (parents, siblings, grandchildren) can pull together to support their blood kinship. These are two in-laws who have betrayed their M's and their families. Even if they were loved as much as the blood relatives, they can be excluded. Know what I mean? Blood relatives will always be kin to each other......whether they like one another or never see each other. But it has been my sad experience to see in-laws come and go and be replaced in families.
You have to accept something about this. If by slim chance your M is saved, your W and BIL still cannot attend the same events. Unless you and your W come to an understanding of "why" they can't meet at the same place anymore.......then it won't work. When they see each other, it is like giving a drink to an acholic. The affair will just be covered up and they will continue in it. Do you understand this.......and do you believe it? B/c if you don't believe it, I am wasting my breath.
Why should you stay away from YOUR family, when the waywards have no shame in showing up together for "Thanksgiving"? I'm not sure how to handle tomorrow, but it doesn't seem right that you would miss your family celebration. If you do decide to stay home, then everyone will want to know, and that might be your opportunity to tell them, IDK. You think it will bother the affair partners that you stay home and think they will feel awkward about it? Nope! None whatsoever. Your WW will make up some excuse for your absence, and they will go on with their celebration.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
