After a 9 month deployment she is now WAW

[joejoe1]

TX,

Her bringing up the situation with you locking her out of her phone is a decoy. I would get your mind prepared for her possibly being in a PA. You are ready know she was in a EA.

If she is pursuing D, then going NC is the best move for you. IMHO. Don't try to talk her out of it, let her do all the work. Just let her know, that you are wanting the M to work, but won't stand in her way.

What are the things she has said that made her what to leave the M?

The information you get from Chuck and the information you get on this board will conflict from time to time. You know your W and you have to discern what works best for you sitch. You are going to have to try things and evaluate how they work or don't work and keep a journal or strong mental note on what the effects were. One of the sayings, especially from Sandi is , "Do what works". Only you will know what works and don't work.

From what I have read, your W, has spent more time around this OM, than she has with you and you'll family. IMO, her and this OM have developed a bond. Your W has to know you won't tolerate and open M. So, your W has to understand what she is losing if she loses you.

Stop talking to her about the M and the R. Stop asking her to go to counseling. You go on your own, when she is ready to go she will let you know.

Also, if you haven't told her you want tolerate her talking to the OM, tell her this once, in a calm and stern voice. Don't be begging and crying. You have to make this statement from a strong stance. Once you say, don't get drawn into an argument. Your stance on this is not up for debate.

This is a not a sprint it's a marathon, get ready for the roller coaster ride and buckle in tight.

There are some great people on this forum.

From my perspective, the hardest concepts to get down, are detaching (with love) and doing 180s. I read the threads to those as much as can. Refresh yourself on these as much as you can.

180s are for yourself, please remember that, they are not to win your W back. If your 180s are done right, she will notice your changes and want to come back on her own. Your are doing 180s to correct the problems you created in the M, so you can become a better person.

Detaching with love, is you letting go of your W and to notion that the only outcome is the M working out. Only then can you fully move forward and become healthier. You don't become mean, bitter, disrespectful, look for other women, or push your W away. You just let go and GAL (Get a Life). You take a deep look at yourself and problems you cause in the M, and do a deep self reflection on what has caused you to become the man you are at this point. (You are becoming a person only a fool would leave).

A lot of men on here, have what is called the NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome). Read those books with the one's you have already from MWD (Michele Weaner Davis). What most of us realized is we have this NGS. Start to work on fixing these issues as well.

Love on your children harder. IMO, this is a time to strengthen your bond with your children. Find ways to do things with them without your W. Make moments with them they will never forget. Also, never let them see you down, or involved them in the problems of your M. Let them be kids and protect from the chaotic problems at the moment. Your W is still their mother and that can't be changed. Don't try to ruin those relationship out of pain she has caused you.

Stay strong, and begin DBing (Divorce Busting). We will be here when you need us.