About Thanksgiving I am considering it for the children. They deserve a drama free holiday with family.
Wait a second, so you're actually considering cooking a Thanksgiving meal and then.... leaving???? Did I misunderstand what you said earlier, that your W told you to fix it for --them-- and then leave so they could enjoy it without you being around? There is no way in a million years you should ever consider that, I mean talk about being a doormat! Sandi touched on this but it sounds like you've let your W control you for quite some time, and now that your M is on the rocks your instinct is to double down on letting her have her way, but that is NOT how to restore your M. If you want your M then you have to model DIFFERENT behavior, not "more of the same" or (worse yet) 200% of the same.
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Normally the dynamic of what she calls fighting. Is she sits and tells me how it is my fault and I just listen. Really don't contribute much to the conversation. Apologize for what I agree our my fault and try to be understanding about the rest. Honestly this mess has improved my listening and validation skills immensely.
Validating is not agreeing. It's also not disagreeing, explaining, negotiating, arguing, etc. It is simply seeking to understand a person's feelings and offering empathy for them. She tells you something is your fault? Ask her how that makes her feel (angry/ frustrated/ etc.) and when she tells you her feelings, you empathize with her ("It sounds like that frustrated you, I can understand why you feel that way.") Please note that this is vastly different from accepting blame for everything.
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I know I need to put me first but kind of in a bind. My family doesn't live anywhere near us and my friends moved out of the city about 6 months ago.
Make new friends. Your W doesn't want to be married to you anymore, so instead of moping around the house you need to get out and get a life. Ask everyone here who has survived BD, S and D and they will tell you the most important recovery tool is GAL. This is a non-negotiable point, and you'll find we have little tolerance for excuses when it comes to GAL. 25 was a busy lawyer raising kids (including a baby) and living in Alaska and her GAL list is enough to make the most hardcore DB'er feel inadequate:
If she is home that night I will leave when they go to bed. Drive 40 miles out to a truck stop and sleep for the night. Drive 40 miles home in the morning and then get the kids ready for school.
That is doormat behavior. Why are you doing it? To give your W what she wants. Again, this is not going to save your M. She has no respect for you, how can you gain respect back? One way would be to NOT leave the house. If she's so uncomfortable with you being around then fine, SHE can leave. She is the one that wants out of the M, let her be the one that's inconvenienced with her choice. She will no doubt throw a temper tantrum, but if you choose to quietly stand your ground she will respect you for it even if it doesn't show.
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So on Thanksgiving it is a catch 22 from the way I look at it. If I don't do it then it won't be done at all. Children don't have a Thanksgiving with the family. If I do make it then I am showing my children it is okay if people treat you that way.
There is another option that is not catch 22. Fix the dinner and DON'T LEAVE. Tell your W that if she's so uncomfortable with you being there then SHE can leave.
