Haven't posted here in a while. We are still going forward. The MC has ended as she said the couple session might actually reopen things and she wants to focus on our IC. It is not perfect but I feel we have arrived at the piecing part. OM is pretty much out of the picture. A few weeks ago W and I went for a quick trip to relax (ironically week prior to Irma) and W was said and said OM basically said he didn't want to be W's friend and that since W chose me that there is no future. I couldn't resist a smile because while W said he was a good guy I noticed several problematic elements in how he interacted with her.
W is leaving Sunday for another interview (she didn't get the other job). Nor did I become chair.
Our biggest challenge is communication but W actually approaches this positively and expresses fondness when I say what is bothering me.
She has a lot of things to work on for herself so that delays her fully recommitting to me but she has said she wants it to be special and said that she purposefully took her rings with her when we evacuated.
Trying to also get my life more structured in terms of work. I have always been focused on 'rescuing' her and so everything I did was centered around her. I also say yes to too many things so I am trying to use the time she uses to work on herself (and become more independent) for me to get things going.
This community was a major source of help for me in the early phases and I continue to value its role and hope to get back to posting regularly but as you can see from my posts throughout the months I devoted a lot of attention on getting back on track in terms of MR.
While I followed my gut I do think for anyone new to this situation that the DR approach is highly effective. It's key though to fully reflect on your entire situation as everyone has a slightly different situation. Maybe I am stubborn and arrogant in saying that but look at where I am at.
If a D follows I don't feel like a failure and know that I have given it a real shot. My W seems to be giving it a real shot. Just yesterday she mentioned how she started a relationship with someone else and before she said it was just sex...she was in denial but rather than be confrontational I followed my gut. I wasn't a doormat either.
What is interesting is that I have come to realize that her cheating really does hurt me more than I assumed early on. I think my focus was on sticking to DR and getting back on track. Now that W is giving it a real shot I notice that I have become very sensitive to any sign that I detect of her wanting to go for the door again. MC has told me in IC that this is because of trust and how the challenge is that W really felt controlled and needs to become more independent.
This has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever done. But while I hate the way it happens it did make me aware of my own short comings and flaws.
Things are going fairly decent. Some ups and downs.
Learned several things about OM. W thinks he is manipulative and an [censored] and while she felt lonely she realizes he used her. The texts I found between them she claims it wasn't even true (about the sex being good) that he had low self esteem. She can make it up or not but I do think she is sincere. Turns out that friend that knew about him also called him a bad influence. Obviously she wasn't going to tell me. They have no contact and W doesn't reference him with anything positive. She feels embarrassed and guilty. Counselor told her OM could have been anyone.
So counseling is still going (individual not couples) and W has a lot to work on. She told me she values my patience and dedication but that she cannot love someone else when she barely knows how to love herself.
She has had some blows at work and for other opportunities so that is making her feel more depressed. Counselor suggested medication would help but W is vehemently opposed to medication.
We are trying to both be more conscientious towards each other and recognize we are very different people. But there seems to be commitment.
W wants to do something special on the anniversary of when we first made it official that we had a relationship. So I thought that was a great sign.
On a personal note I have started running again (last time was 1/28) and signed up for a couple of 10ks and working towards a half marathon.
Counselor suggested medication would help but W is vehemently opposed to medication.
Tobias,
My mom has always resisted any kind of medication including aspirin and ibuprofen. About a decade ago she suffered from severe depression and, to her detriment, she wouldn't take any medication. She needlessly suffered for a number of years.
I recently read something interesting about MDMA (aka ecstasy). Apparently there are a number of couples counselors that strongly believe that MDMA can be very helpful in couples therapy because it helps break-down barriers to communication. Interesting stuff.
Thanks. Yes I have heard that (and MDMA has a lot of other possible positive health effects for all sorts of conditions but that is a whole different story).
The problem with a lot of medication are the side effects but I do think at times it would help my W.
I feel guilty for not being on here more frequently. I used to be on here daily. Sometimes hourly. It seems my sitch is turning upwards but I have been so exhausted from the entire process. It's still very exhausting. There are moments where we both work hard to stay the course but we both have also thrown up our hands and said ugh maybe we should just let it collapse. It is hard work.
What is giving me strength is my counseling. I never thought I needed counseling. Not because of pride. Not because I am a man... I just thought I was aware of things and in many ways the biggest help I need is not being myself all the time the person that rescues her, the person that wants my W to address depression and her own insecurities. Counselor has done WONDERS in just snapping me out of things and getting me to focus on the main issue and how while I should be validated in my feelings that there is another path. And how my W does seem to give it a real shot.
But it is exhausting. I feel lucky (and guilty when I read so many others on here who have much harsher and harder situations to deal with) that my W went to basically wanting out and wanting to date others and blaming me for the PA and then denying it was turning into a relationship to basically recommitting to working on us early on, and slowly but steadily breaking contact. But it turned around pretty quick. Now we can focus on the real hard work.
She mentioned wanting to clean the master bedroom so she can move back in. Ever since we evacuated for Irma we haven't had a real moment to really clean and there is dust in there. She hasn't said I love you or is wearing her rings but told me she wants to learn to love herself first and doesn't just want to say it. I respect that. It is not always easy but she does show in subtle ways that she wants to stay together.
But I have valued other's input on here and hope that I will continue to find moments where I can check in and offer some help. I do think my sitch offers some nuances as to what to do when there is OM. I don't know what would have happened if I insisted she move out. I don't know what would have happened if I insisted NC. I definitely don't think me requiring her to show her phone would have helped (especially when she felt trapped). I think the best advice I can give is what is in DR and to especially pay lots of attention on what you observe. And to follow your gut.
Being aware and cognizant of your own flaws is a must. Working to change those without pointing it out and asking anything in return is crucial. Counseling even if IC is a must.
We humans make life overly complicated. There is a lot of damaged people walking around. Therapy can be very effective.
While I am exhausted I also am more convinced I love this woman. We are both trying to find a job so we can leave Florida. So that is another stress/burden/complication that reduces the time together. But we are making more efforts to check in.
Tobias, you are not meeting your one-post-per-day minimum and thus may be blocked from the forums. LOL! Just kidding, come and post at whatever interval you feel comfortable with. A lot of people slow waaay down on the posting when they get into piecing and unfortunately a lot of them just quit posting completely. Hopefully you can find the time to pop in now and then with an update!
Alright. Here is another update. Things are moving steadily. Through my IC I have recognized that a lot of what drives me is the feeling of not being good enough. It has enabled me to achieve beyond expectations and there is something about someone doubting me that makes me go harder.
It has also led me to question other things such as when W has a conversation with a friend who makes her laugh that I easily feel left out or that I feel she might think I am not worthy to share the good news with.
But we are both working hard. We are using the tools from counseling. It's not where I want them to be. But W openly discusses a future that involves me and she is recognizing when she seems to take me for granted or when I do something. I am trying to do the same thing.
She has not said a positive word about OM and sees him now fully as being manipulative and unreliable. I can see how she felt lonely and that I played a role in it but she also recognizes I did do a lot for her when her health was going downhill. But me moving away from the rescuer role has empowered her a lot. It is not as ideal and perfect as what I just wrote but for the most part it has that upward trend.
I don't really have much else to say which if you scroll through my posts is unusual. But the fights are over small things (they usually were) but she isn't saying "this isn't going to work" or "this is why I am going to divorce you" or "you will never change". Our therapist has through individual sessions taught us that we want the same things but we need very different things. I am learning to take a back seat and not try to fix her problems.
So things are slowly progressing. Just like I read with some others on here once you get to the piecing stage it is easy to have setbacks. I never realized just how much OM upset me. So I keep bringing it up which I need to do because my W shows actual remorse. Fortunately, we have been able to hug it out when it happens. Although I know I need to end that.
Not much else to update. We are doing better overall.
It sounds like you're doing really well. I think most of us on this forum would love to be in your shoes even if progress is slow.
Regardless of how many times I hear that the OM is just a symptom, the thought of him still raises my hackles. (Kicking the OM's @ss is on my bucket list. )
