Hello all. This forum has been helping keep my sanity and have some degree of hope. Wife returned from a 9 month deployment about a month ago. One week after being home she tells me she wants a divorce. Her reason for the divorce according to her is because she can't forgive me for something I did almost a year ago.
A little background information. Of the past 18 months my wife has been gone away from home for about 15 months. She spent April-September of 2016 away for extended training in another part of the country. I got to see her only twice during that period of time. During her time away training we would frequently get into phone fights about various things. Prior to that I can honestly say I had the best wife ever. We started fighting about petty things. Admittedly she was really stressed during this period of time due to being away from home and our small children. In October of 2016 I found out that she was having secret conversations on FB messenger late at night. FB has a messenger program that allows messages to be sent secretly and the messages will self erase after a period of time. Of note, her and I always had the codes to each others phones, email, etc. We never hid anything from each other. We had no reason to. I was in her phone honestly looking for some unrelated information and stumbled across the message.
I confronted her about the messages and she said she was having conversations with this guy because he would "listen to me" This guy was on the extended training with her from April-September of 2016. She said he knows all about me and its innocent. I asked why the secret messages and she said thats how he wanted to communicate because he didn't want his wife to find out and cause problems.
So at this point from October 2016 until she deployed in JAN of 2017 we started to have more and more problems because her behavior towards me changed and I became insecure about myself and our relationship as a result of the secret messaging.
The reason she says she can't trust me is due to the fact that about 2 weeks after I found the messages her and I got into a big fight (not physical). She called the police on me and I lost it. The police made her leave the house and not me. In the meantime I had her cell phone and proceeded to lock her out of all of her personal accounts, our joint accounts, all email etc. I did this stupidly out of rage and insecurity. I did it thinking I could find more proof of possible cheating and I didn't want her to destroy any information, records, etc. The following day when she came home I gave her her phone back and returned all the passwords to all of the accounts to what they were originally.
From November 2016 until she deployed in in January of 2017 we had up and down days. I went to counseling on my own because she refused to go with me. I implored her to go to counseling because I didn't want her deploying and we have issues still lingering. She refused to go because she said nothing was wrong with her. During the 9 month deployment we had good and bad days. Some days still centered around the guy from FB because he deployed with her. We would argue about once every two weeks. However, during the deployment she would be up and down with her words. Some days she was really nice and encouraging saying we would be fine and could work things out and other days she would be cold and standoffish. 2 weeks before returning from deployment she sent me an emotional message letting me know we would be just fine, will work through our problems and she was willing to go to counseling.
One week after returning from deployment we came home from the store and she motioned me to come into the bedroom. I thought it was for sex. Nope, thats when she dropped the bomb on me. She said she can't get over me locking her out off all the accounts and that she doesn't trust me. Also went on to say she longer feels comfortable talking about serious things with me. Also stated she felt trapped and was exhausted trying to work on the marriage. I asked her about counseling and she declined.
I was already living out of the house about 2 hours away in another city because the military moved me just before she came home from deployment. The plan was for her and our children to follow me down after her deployment. She's now refusing. Told me she doesn't want me coming to the house that I have to have the kids visit with me in the city I now live in 2 hours away. Stopped wearing her ring and has aggressively started towards divorce. She has already moved money out of accounts to new accounts I don't have access to. She split everything evenly. During the past two weeks since I have been away from her I saw her once. I went to visit the kids and spent the night there on a Saturday before her and the kids went on a last minute cruise she booked. Strangely though she contacts me daily for everything from how we are going to proceed with the divorce to simple things that would make one think we are still together. Heck, in fact today she asked me what time I wanted to eat dinner on Thanksgiving and what kind of green vegetables I wanted her to cook.
I have read all the post's about the 37 rules, last resort, detaching etc. I have even had 2 phone sessions with Chuck and I bought 2 of Michele's books.
Not sure if any of this even makes sense to you guys but I'm reaching out for advice. I don't initiate contact with her unless it's something important or about the kids.
Any advice or questions from the group are appreciated. Please respond Cadet, Sandi, Accuracy, Wonka and other vets of the group.
Married 8 years together 9 Me 40 her 35 5 kids between the two of us. I have 2 from my first marriage and she had one. 2 of the 5 kids we had together with each other: 4 and 5 year old girls. Oldest daughter is 17 ( I adopted her after we married because the dad was a dead beat AWOL dad) My 2 sons from my previous marriage are 14 and 11. This is her second marriage as well
