Sotto, I'm trying to do as you suggest with my health and rebuilding my life. It's hard trying to cover everything in a forum like this but to really move on and rebuild my life I need to recover from this health problem and move back to the Northeast, get a new job in my field, and be financially independent as well as closer to my closest friends. My husband and I dreamed to move to this smaller town where we currently live, but if we're not together, there's no reason to stay here.
I need to wait a while to move and get a new job though. Right now I can barely eat and I'm still in the danger zone with my health. It's also unfair to my daughter to uproot her after we've already moved six times since she was born and we just moved two months ago. Another big move at the moment wouldn't be good for us.
Yes, I can try to move on in other ways in the meantime. I'm active in a new church, made a lot of new friends in this city who I see on a regular basis, seeing a counselor and a psychologist, and I'm volunteering for several organizations and maintain contact with my career network, among other things. But to me this isn't sufficient.
So I don't know how to reconcile the advice of the DB book with my current situation. There are just limitations at the moment. I'd love to move to Europe, start a new business, and spend my days exercising and meditating but those aren't options right now. Simply going out at night to bars and clubs isn't something I've ever done nor wish to do now, so that's not they key to getting a life either. It's a transitional period in life in many ways.
What I really want is a husband who is committed and together we raise our daughter and support each other's careers. I've done many things in life I've wanted to do at a young age and at this age what I wish for is to be with my husband and daughter, but this isn't possible right now.
For now I'm trying to focus on just eating, sleeping, raising my daughter, and the other things I mentioned above. My husband knows I want more than this in life and to me these couple of things don't constitute getting a life. But I can't do many of the other things at the moment. I have to figure out not just how to move on from my husband but how to find happiness being sick and unemployed in a city where I probably won't stay. My husband knows me well enough to know I'm stuck under bad circumstances and if I fake happiness overnight that it's just an act.
My guess is that it's not going to be an overnight process in my case. Does anyone else feel like that?
Sotto, I actually don't have trouble asking my husband for things. I demanded that he take our daughter when I had to go to the ER and urgent care recently and when I had to do other medical tests. I had him sign an agreement that he'll take our daughter three nights a week for two hours per visit and pay our bills. He works six days per week, 12 hours per day, and keeps complaining that taking our daughter doesn't work for him but he's doing it. It's not benefiting her though. He ends up doing things with her that don't enrich her in any way. Last night he said he'll take her to a pizza shop that's 30 minutes away. I asked why he's going so far and he said because the long drive passes the time faster. Basically she's sitting for an hour in the car just because my husband isn't interested in spending quality time with her. Asking him to do more won't work because of his work schedule and attitude. He doesn't like being a father and I feel too sorry for our daughter to spend more time with someone who's not interested in her.
Caz, your Christmas plans sound nice. What I wish for of course is to spend the holidays with my husband and daughter together but even if my husband wants to come it should probably be for a limited time. I can't travel anywhere since I'm sick, but I guess my daughter and I will just stay home and play with the toys she gets and cook together. I'll do what I can to make it fun for her.
Jim, thanks for your message. Again I guess what I want isn't possible, and at the moment there aren't any alternatives that I want either, but it's my sole responsibility to give my daughter a fun and happy Christmas experience so I'll do my best to play with her and make it fun for her.
The counselor that I saw yesterday suggests a different approach than the DB one. She believes I should do nice things for my husband and invite him for the holidays because any time we spend together is an opportunity for him to soften his heart. It's hard knowing if that approach is better than the DB one. To me it seems I've already tried that and it didn't work. He still left. My friends all think I should just divorce my husband but it's easy to tell someone else to do that. It's harder when you're the one doing it.
It seems I need to find a way to accept my situation for the next six months or so before I can do the things I really want to do to *try* to move on and create a new beginning. Maybe I need to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like the sun shining or my daughter's smile, and let go of the dreams that aren't attainable for now.
How does everyone here define getting a life? I need to dig out the DB book from the moving boxes that ended up in storage and re-read. What happens when you can't go to hair salons every week and party with your friends and take fun classes? I think I may need to be patient for the coming months until I can do more.
Thanks for everyone's input! This is the worst and darkest time of my life and it's helpful to see how others are coping and found their way to the other side.
