How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[Clyde]

Clyde, your earlier incidences with your W and her sister, were those old or recent? Your W sounds very immature in those instances and certainly your responses do not come off as controlling, but rather just those of a concerned spouse. I'm not saying you weren't controlling in the M in other ways, but not in those cases..

Those incidences were spread out through the last 11 years... the camping trip and surprise party were 10 - 11 years ago, the missed concert was 3 years ago.

I am reflecting on control issues I had during the M... I am going to look for some literature to help me better understand how I can do a better job not coming across that way.

Something in the 5 LL's book hit home... it read something like: "it's much more effective to make request than make demands... criticism and demands drive wedges... with enough criticism you may get acquiescence from your wife, she may do what you want, but it will probably not be an expression of love."

I think you need to temper your expectations. Positive signs are good, but they are not an indication that she has changed her mind regarding the M. DON'T ASK, but I bet if you did she would tell you she's still done and wants out of the M. A lot of times WAS's will start out being mean and angry, they do this because it's their way of trying to get the LBS to be "done" with the M too. But if the LBS starts DB'ing then the WAS feels the pressure has been removed and there is no need to be mean anymore. That's likely all that's going on right now. A turnaround on her part is still many months away. My XW even wanted to start having sex again, but she was still "done".

It is tough figure out, thats when I remind myself to stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to mind read. Be patient and let things unfold as they may.

I do feel as though she is giving some definite signs though... on the other hand it was just last night we were getting off the phone w/ one another, I said goodnight - her response was "bye", felt a little cold. Again, I can't read her mind and I can not let her disposition effect mine.

I was thinking, does this give me the green light to recommend/give her books on MR?

No, absolutely not! You've done well at removing the pressure, you don't want to start applying it all over again or the whole process starts over.

Hmm, glad I checked here this a.m.... I have a book here I was going t give her this afternoon, I was going to suggest that like we read the 5 LL's simultaneously and discussed, that we do that with other books. I'll wait on that one for now.