How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[AnotherStander]

Clyde, your earlier incidences with your W and her sister, were those old or recent? Your W sounds very immature in those instances and certainly your responses do not come off as controlling, but rather just those of a concerned spouse. I'm not saying you weren't controlling in the M in other ways, but not in those cases.

So I am trying hard not to get my hopes up, but it does seem as though there is a change in tides happening.

I think you need to temper your expectations. Positive signs are good, but they are not an indication that she has changed her mind regarding the M. DON'T ASK, but I bet if you did she would tell you she's still done and wants out of the M. A lot of times WAS's will start out being mean and angry, they do this because it's their way of trying to get the LBS to be "done" with the M too. But if the LBS starts DB'ing then the WAS feels the pressure has been removed and there is no need to be mean anymore. That's likely all that's going on right now. A turnaround on her part is still many months away. My XW even wanted to start having sex again, but she was still "done".

I was thinking, does this give me the green light to recommend/give her books on MR?

No, absolutely not! You've done well at removing the pressure, you don't want to start applying it all over again or the whole process starts over.

[Clyde]

W told me the other day that she would like to do T-giving as a family... she and I are going to prepare the meal together (usually she does all the cooking).

I told her to give me a grocery list, I'll pick everything up... that is, unless she wanted to go with. She joked and said "what are you afraid to do the shopping on your own?", I said "no' thats fine, I'll do the shopping, just wanted to put it out there." She then said no, she will go with me. So today we are going out to get everything we need, the kiddos have the week off school so they will be with us.

[Clyde]

Clyde, your earlier incidences with your W and her sister, were those old or recent? Your W sounds very immature in those instances and certainly your responses do not come off as controlling, but rather just those of a concerned spouse. I'm not saying you weren't controlling in the M in other ways, but not in those cases..

Those incidences were spread out through the last 11 years... the camping trip and surprise party were 10 - 11 years ago, the missed concert was 3 years ago.

I am reflecting on control issues I had during the M... I am going to look for some literature to help me better understand how I can do a better job not coming across that way.

Something in the 5 LL's book hit home... it read something like: "it's much more effective to make request than make demands... criticism and demands drive wedges... with enough criticism you may get acquiescence from your wife, she may do what you want, but it will probably not be an expression of love."

I think you need to temper your expectations. Positive signs are good, but they are not an indication that she has changed her mind regarding the M. DON'T ASK, but I bet if you did she would tell you she's still done and wants out of the M. A lot of times WAS's will start out being mean and angry, they do this because it's their way of trying to get the LBS to be "done" with the M too. But if the LBS starts DB'ing then the WAS feels the pressure has been removed and there is no need to be mean anymore. That's likely all that's going on right now. A turnaround on her part is still many months away. My XW even wanted to start having sex again, but she was still "done".

It is tough figure out, thats when I remind myself to stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to mind read. Be patient and let things unfold as they may.

I do feel as though she is giving some definite signs though... on the other hand it was just last night we were getting off the phone w/ one another, I said goodnight - her response was "bye", felt a little cold. Again, I can't read her mind and I can not let her disposition effect mine.

I was thinking, does this give me the green light to recommend/give her books on MR?

No, absolutely not! You've done well at removing the pressure, you don't want to start applying it all over again or the whole process starts over.

Hmm, glad I checked here this a.m.... I have a book here I was going t give her this afternoon, I was going to suggest that like we read the 5 LL's simultaneously and discussed, that we do that with other books. I'll wait on that one for now.

[joejoe1]

Clyde,

Keep up the good work. Do provide pressure and keep your expectations in check. Enjoy the shopping and make it a great memory.

[CT1118]

Clyde,

Still there buddy? How was Thanksgiving? I read your posts leading up but had not much time to reply due to my own sitch. I didn't see much on the two boys and the girl, how are those kids? I hope you had time for them in your arms and at your dinner table.

I read about the desires of your WAW to have some type of family thing at the holiday. Not trying to rain sh*t on the Macy's Day Parade, but that's how they talk. They want one foot in your ass and they rest of themselves out the door. Again, check script. In the depth of her absence, my girl did the exact same thing. For that matter, so did someone else's girl here, and someone else's man here, etc., etc., etc. As I was once told, holidays bring out the beast of desire; the desire to be normal, to be alright, to be family. Hope, for your sake, I am mistaken.

'Piecing' not far away, you said? What about 'Peacing' Clyde? As in, have you made peace with you? I doubt it, too close to the cut. Not dismissing your abilities, but also not thinking you have a Wolverine level healing factor for your own psychological & emotional injuries.

Till I hear back from you I will leave it at this...healing takes time and by time I mean days turn into months - perhaps months into years. We have two choices: heal without and heal within. Neither choice involves your WAS, both choices involve you. You can heal before the WAS and WAS can heal before you, but either way a pressure should not be made for one to catch the other. Initially, this is a house built of straw sir, and one bad wolf can blow it down. Build your house out of bricks and do your best not to care whether she has a house or not, much less what her's is made of. Don't quit Clyde, don't quit.

[Clyde]

It's been a minute since my last post, but much has happened.

Thanksgiving went great. I kept my expectations grounded and was pleasantly surprised.

The W was supposed to get to the family home around 9 a.m. to help prep dinner, around 9:30 D13 was asking me where she was, I told D13 to relax - she'll be here shortly... honestly I was thinking the same thing as I thought she might have decided to go to a friends first and decided to show late, I was also bracing for a possible early exit from her as I'm sure her friends were wanting her to celebrate thanksgiving w/ them. Again I was pleasantly surprised as neither of those scenarios were the case. W showed about an hour later than she had said but clearly she used the extra time to dress herself up (hair/make up/ clothes), she was wearing a top that I had to wonder if she wore specifically for me as when she has worn it in the past I have commented to her how good she looks in it. She stopped before getting to the house to pick up some goodies for the kids, wine, and my favorite craft beer.

The entire days was great, we cooked as a family, played games with the kiddos, even found time to sit on the back patio alone together and enjoy a drink together. She stayed till close to midnight, when she left I walked her to her car and she thanked me for having her over and said "I had a really fun time".

From that day on we pretty much saw each other every day.

Two days later she stopped by after work for a good 5 hours, we hung out as a family, put the kids to bed and got some alone time for about an hour or two before she left. I again walked her to her car except this time instead of her getting right in her car she stood there as if she was waiting for a hug, I hugged her (first time since BD) for what turned into a long embrace.

The next day I picked her up at her place to go on a hike. When she got in to my truck she made a joke about how dusty it was. I replied "sorry, I did not know I was going to have a woman of your caliber in my truck" she joked back saying "Sure, thats probably what you have been telling all your dates... I hope you at least took the car seats out so that you did not scare them." I kinda felt as though she was feeling me out as to whether or not I had been seeing anyone since the separation. I told her "There has not been anyone else."

After the hike we grabbed some lunch at a place she had been wanting to try. The convo turned to R talk, during which I said something to the likes of "We really had a good thing, we flew a little too close to the sun, but prior to that, life was good." She agreed saying "Yeah we did, It was really nice."

The whole day seemed natural, like we never separated. When I dropped her off at her house we hugged, and caught up in the chemistry that was happening, I went in for a kiss (I was honestly not thinking about it, it was like second nature), she denied the kiss and said, "Come on now, you know me... don't you remember how many dates you had to take me on before our first kiss the first go round?"

The next day I went over to her place with S5, we hung out watched some cartoons, I went and grabbed us all lunch. I stayed for a few hours, my back/neck was bothering me, she saw me stretching and asked how I was feeling lately (referring to my neck injury last year). I told her it was good, I still have some really bad episodes, and that my neck/back had been a little tight lately. She said lets see what I can do and proceeded to give me an awesome massage.

Later that night we were talking MR on the phone for a few hours, during which she said her only reservation about reconciling is that she feels I do not trust her, that I do not want her to be able to go out with her friends and have fun. I said lets figure it out then, she raised her voice said she was tired of arguing about it. I was a little more prepared/confident with my response this time. I told her...

"Please hear me out, maybe even sleep on it before responding... I do want you to go out and have fun, last thing I want is to be the reason you are not enjoying life. I'm not going to beat around the bush, much of this issue revolves around your "sister", I'm not going to lie either, I don't like her at all, that being said - I know the bond you two have and I'm not asking for that bond to be compromised on my behalf, I will point out though that she is not your real sister, I am your real husband, we are your real family. As your H though I will not come second to her, if she disrespects me our our R, I expect you to call her out on it. As far as me not trusting you when you hang out with her... I would say it starts w/ the lack of respect I've been shown in the past, and since trust and respect go hand and hand - yeah, there are some trust issues. I know these trust issues are not insecurities on my behalf... think back to our first few years, I had no issues with you going out with your "sister" or the girls, it was only after the incidences w/ your "sister" happened that I started to have issues w/ you going out w/ her... yes HER, I have never had any issue w/ you going out w/ any of your other friends. So lets just say we were to reconcile, if all the things that created the trust issues were no longer a factor, if these incidences that played out in the past w/ your "sister" were just that, the past, do you really think I would think twice about what you were up to when you were out? What would there be for me to take issue with?"

She started to tell me how she hates going to clubs and bars anyhow, a lot of times that is the only opportunity she has to hang out w/ her "sister", and that in the past she did not want to be the one to say no thats not what I want to do, lets do something else. I told her that no where in what I just said did I tell you not to go to these places, thats never been the issue, its how it unfolds that is the problem. I told her lets leave it at that for the night, and to please reflect on what I said and what the heart of the issue is, if you still think I'm being unreasonable I'm all ears.

We ended the conversation with a cordial goodnight.

The next day I was at her place, no mention of the previous nights convo came up. She told me she was thinking about coming home. I told her that I was happy to hear that, what exactly were her thoughts, (I was thinking this would happen over the next few weeks, possibly months) when should we tell the kids. She said lets tell them after school, and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss.

When we did tell the kids they were so excited, they were all smiles the whole night.

She has sold or given away all the furnishings out of her apartment, and has 100% moved back home.

It has been about 30 days since she moved back home. It has been really nice, after all that has happened I think that it goes without saying that I would be a little nervous. I will say this though, all of her actions have shown commitment to our MR, and most importantly and what I feel is the biggest tell tell, my W seems very happy, I have not seen her this happy in over a year. I decided to put my ring back on and when she noticed her face lit up, she put hers on and has been wearing it since.

We have a long way to go, but I feel we both clearly understand all that is at stake and what it is going to take to make it.

Me personally, I have no intentions of abandoning the journey I have started in becoming the best Clyde I can be, the best father I can be, the best husband I can be.

I do still have healing to do, I do not know how long it will take, but I know Ii have a ways to go.

I have not been able to post as I do not want the W to know about this site yet, (I hope one day she would be open to sharing her thoughts, intentions, views through out this process on this site). I do plan on posting more and going more in-depth on the last 40 days I've been away from this forum, and the progress and pitfalls the W and will go through in future as we rebuild our lives together, I'm sure I'll need some advice along the way (possibly 2x4's). I know all that I have gained from reading about others sitches, so I will try to me more diligent about posting. I just got a moment alone and wanted to let you all know Clyde is alive and kicking... I want to thank all of you who took the time to give me advice, held my family and I in your thoughts, helped me shape my view on this whole process, the 2 x 4's, the well wishes, encouragement... all of which has been instrumental in giving this family a second chance.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, and know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

[Subitai]

Clyde, this is amazing news! Way to start off the new year!

[Caz49]

So pleased for you and your family! Happy New Year!

[Morbo]

Great news man, I hope it all works out for you.
Happy new year!

[Gordie]

Clyde—happy new year! I am thrilled by your news and wish you all the best in 2018. Please do keep posting to encourage the rest of us!