Yesterday was a really good day. In hindsight, that convo with W two days ago was pretty unnecessary, but she dipped her toes into R talks and I was able to validate and just listen. Didn't argue with her about anything or blamed her.
I just feel a lot more at peace right now because I can't change the outcome or pace of this at all. As I mentioned, she has issues she needs to grapple with and I hope that she can do that for herself, regardless what happens with our MR. Her feelings about how she can't make me happy are very much rooted in her own self-esteem and self-value. She needs to get to a place to know that she is a valuable person and that she doesn't need validation for that from me or anyone else. She also needs to understand that my depression played a huge part in my actions towards her and that it wasn't a reflection of how I felt about her.
But, I can't communicate that at this point because she is not in a place where she can hear me due to her anger and depression. She has to work it out for herself and only then we can have any hope of reconnecting, if ever. So, knowing that I can't do anything for her at this point has allowed me to reframe my thinking about moving forward.
I'll keep posting as things progress and journal as I see fit, but I don't really anticipate anything happening for a long time. This place has been a refuge and blessing and I am glad I found it in time.
