So once again I had to be the one to deliver bad news to S14. W called me this afternoon asking if I could bring some of S14 things from the house and meet them at Save-A-Lot. So I meet them in the store and W hands S14 the keys telling him to go with me to put the things in her car. I tell S14 that I will be right behind him in a moment. So I ask W if she mentioned to him that we were going to sign the papers to get the divorce rolling in the morning? W says that S14 didn't want to talk about it. I tell her that isn't an option at this point. W looks at me and gives me the I don't care shrug.
So I walk away and meet S14 in the parking lot. S14 gives me the I don't want to talk about it speech and the whole seems obvious since W cheated. So I tell S14 that we aren't going to avoid talking about it. Mentioned that he is older now and deserves to know what's going on, even though I won't give him details. I tell him that I still love his mother, even though I don't like her. But I am divorcing her, because she won't stop cheating. And when kicked to the curb, she just finds anybody to just cheat with. Which I will no longer tolerate. Told him that W wants to suddenly rush to a divorce, because there suddenly is a new man in the picture. Gave him a brief history lesson on his grandma and great grandmother who exhibit the same behavior. And now W has followed in their footsteps of dysfunction. Letting him know that the behavior is not normal and shouldn't ignored and tolerated.
Told S14 that its alright to be pissed off and that he didn't have to keep all bottled up inside. Needless to say S14 broke down in the parking lot in my arms. W walked out of the store and just ignored what was happening. Told him that if wanted to talk more about it that he could call or wait until next week when he was back with me. W then offered to let him stay with me for a few hours, if he wanted. S14 said he just wanted to get back to her place and take a nap. So that was pretty much my day. Sad for S14 and I seriously wanted to avoid a divorce for him as much as myself. But there is seriously nothing else left in this MR to fight for. My respect for W has gone completely down the toilet.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/20/1712:27 AM. Reason: fix link
My W is clearly basing her choice to leave this MR based on whatever man is willing to sleep with her and stick around. Based on this 25 year old around now my W clearly thrown out several or her so called values out the window with this guy. But lacking of morals is expected. My W was very hesitant about filing until this guy popped up in the picture. Now its full speed ahead. Kind of feel a little bad for the new OM. This kid doesn't have a clue of the pressure just thrown on his shoulders after only a month of meeting W.
Guess my question would be if if this guy ended things with W two weeks from now for example. Could I expect W to be knocking on my door or at least having doubts again about the divorce? I have no expectations whatsoever. But I am just curious about whether this is considered normal behavior of the WW? Wondering if this type of thinking has somehow always been ingrained in her?
I had to have a very similar conversation with my s14. They are at a very tender age in between boyhood and manhood. He needs you and you are a good man for talking straight.
Re your q about the 25yo. I am no vet but my stbx wanted a d urgently when she was involved with OM1 and then that faded and she came back to me only for her to move on to OM2 and now we are getting to sign on the dotted line.
G
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Its crazy that a WS would decide the fate of their families on some random person who really doesn't give a damn about them. I'm certain OM1 kicked W to the curb when he realized she got clingy and wasn't trying to just be something on the side. Scavenger in the friend zone became OM2 after W failed to clean out the house on me. OM2 I believe finally got sex and slowly stopped talking with her. That's when I sent the divorce papers and she never responded for over a month. During that time W met OM3(25 year old). Now she's full speed ahead with wanting to get the ball rolling on the divorce. Our S14 has to go through this mess based on whether my W has some man's penis in her face. And I'm expected to somehow find some respect for her.
You are the parent here and you are free to say what you want. But I will tell you this much, what you said it will not benefit you or a possible R in any way.
You made your son talk about it when he didn't want to in a parking lot? couldn't you wait until he absorbed some of this and then spoke about when he came back to your house? You just wanted him to know so bad right then and there. That was about you, buddy, not him. And to go into that much detail?! "your mom is having extra marital affairs" would have been quite enough. You told him she will cheat with anyone she can find? Then also bashed grandma and great grandma?! I mean come on, this poor kid, that is a lot at once with unnecessary information or him to know about his mother. And you basically bashed her rather than just giving a simple truth.
I hate to call people out like this, especially with such difficult circumstances. I was afraid it was going to go down like this. Your anger towards her is so apparent, and not unwarranted, but when you let that anger leak out in other ways, it isn't good for others.
Then you go on to ask Sandi if she might come back after it doesn't work out with the 25 year old? Your actions were that of a guy who does not want to reconcile ever, so why does that matter? Every hear the posters say "keep the road home paved and smooth?" I believe if you want any chance for reconciliation you need to do that. That doesn't mean I don't believe you should hide anything or cake eat. it just means you need to be truthful, yet careful and not vengeful.
What is done can't be undone. The breaking up of a family is never good, and yes, she chose to leave and cheat. You have every right to be angry with her about this. But I beg you going forward, please try your best to leave your anger out when trying to discuss this with your S. I went through the divorce of my parents when I was 17. My mother ripped apart my father to me. And my dad was/is an excellent dad. I didn't care about their marriage. My relationship was separate and I didn't want to know the nitty gritty stuff. Tell me the truth, fine, but putting me in the position of hearing the marital issues was not something I desired.
You don't need to find respect for her. but you should not put your son in a position where he feels like he needs to disrespect her either. Their R is independent of this. Let him decide for himself, without him knowing your personal feelings towards this.
I get what your saying. But S14 was engaging in the same behavior as the everyone in W family. Stick your head in the sand and ignore. Which is why they have generational dysfunction. S14 is well aware of his grandmother and great grandmother behavior. Figured it out by the time he was 8 years old. I am tired of of my W leaving this all up to me and shrugging it off.
Was I angry? You damn right I am. As for the road home paved and smooth. At this point I don't give a damn. If she comes crawling back one day, then we'll see how I feel about it at that time. But at this point, a woman willing to drop her family for whatever penis is waving in her face at the time isn't worth fighting for. W mother did this type if stuff ober her own children, so she knows first hand how this story turns out.
I work with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And I refuse to be a part of one that exhibits the same destructive behavior. From this point I won't be so forward with S14. But he needed to know of the ramifications of this divorce and consequences of it. He was shrugging it off like it was going to be no big deal. And I needed hom to know how serious this was. W has S14 thinking that cheating isn't really that bad. That is my MIL line of thinking, which I won't allow to become my sons.
I get what your saying. But S14 was engaging in the same behavior as the everyone in W family. Stick your head in the sand and ignore. Which is why they have generational dysfunction. S14 is well aware of his grandmother and great grandmother behavior. Figured it out by the time he was 8 years old. I am tired of of my W leaving this all up to me and shrugging it off.
I am sorry, but he is a kid, not an adult, and you gave him zero time to discuss this and in the middle of a parking lot. Sure, he needs to deal with it, but you wanted him to do it right then and there and he wasn't ready.
Was I angry? You damn right I am. As for the road home paved and smooth. At this point I don't give a damn. If she comes crawling back one day, then we'll see how I feel about it at that time. But at this point, a woman willing to drop her family for whatever penis is waving in her face at the time isn't worth fighting for. W mother did this type if stuff ober her own children, so she knows first hand how this story turns out.
Ok, so you are done with her. That's fine. It's OK to be done. Don't bet on her coming to crawl back and have to feel tell you how she feels like such a whore and beg for your forgiveness. It's over, then it's over. And if your son knows about his grandmother and great grandmother, no reason to bring it up again.
I work with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And I refuse to be a part of one that exhibits the same destructive behavior. From this point I won't be so forward with S14. But he needed to know of the ramifications of this divorce and consequences of it. He was shrugging it off like it was going to be no big deal. And I needed hom to know how serious this was. W has S14 thinking that cheating isn't really that bad. That is my MIL line of thinking, which I won't allow to become my sons.
I hate to say this, but your behavior is destructive too if you keep it up. What in the world makes you think that S14 thinks that cheating isn't that bad? What makes you say that? because he isn't hating his mother and thinking she is a whore? His relationship with her is independent of your relationship with her. They are two separate entities. I am sure he knows how that it is wrong to cheat. He wasn't shrugging it off. he wanted to absorb and not discuss this in a parking lot. Maybe he needed some time to come up with some questions he needed answered.
Do you see an IC? I really think you would benefit for one to work through your anger. Anger is a necessary emotion, but you can't bleed it onto others, especially your son. You are the better the man here. But you can make yourself just as destructive if you aren't careful. I wish the best for you and your son.
I am seeing an IC. Meeting with the lawyer went bad this morning. Lawyer was in court and his clerk wasn't around to give us the stuff to sign. So that was a waste. I asked W to give me a time that was good to meet to try again later. Which resorted to her gwtting an attitude and causing me of cursing at S14 yesterday. At that point I told her about herself and that everyone has noticed her behavior. And comes to me about it. Told her instead of lying on me, she needs to check her behavior because our sons knows she's cheating.
W proceeds to play dumb like she has never cheated. I tell her that I will contact her later in regards to getting her mother's things out of my house. Or it will be placed on the curb or sent to Goodwill. W tells me not rontouch it and I inform her that I am no longer obligated to be a storage unit for her family. W then brings upbthe fact that I am denying her access to her things in the house. And claims that she wasn't trying to clean the house out a few months ago.
I ask her why the big secret and lies when I asked. She tells me that I don't have to tell you anything. I reply that I don't have to open the door. W says that is still my home. I tell her that you abandoned that home as well as your family. Also mentioned that every time you asked for something from the home I didn't hesitate to give when she was honest. W didn't like that, jumpedbin the car and rolled up the window. From there I walked off.
Afterwards I sent a text saying that from this pointI will have my lawyer jist bring the paperwork to her office. I refuse to be in the same room with a blantant liar, unless I absolutely have to. The only road I want to pave for this woman is off a damn cliff at this point.
Which resorted to her getting an attitude and causing me of cursing at S14 yesterday.
I assume something similar to what Ginger is saying above? FWIW, I completely agree with G. It sounds like you are trying to get S "on your side" and doing that by trying to damage his relationship with his mom. In my opinion, it is healthiest for him to have a good relationship with each parent, and your words are only damaging his view of his mom. I am ABSOLUTELY not suggesting that you need to hide everything or take blame for her actions or to even pretend that you agree with her choices. But I just dont see how the details of the R between you and W are his business. I would instead focus on the impact of D on your R with him. His relationship with his mom, is, frankly, not your business and not your story.
Originally Posted By: Tread
At that point I told her about herself and that everyone has noticed her behavior. And comes to me about it. Told her instead of lying on me, she needs to check her behavior because our sons knows she's cheating.
But....why are you talking to her about this at all. Its totally unrelated to anything. Im sure she isnt going to be convinced by your comments or change her behavior based on your opinion. So all you are doing is making her angry.
Im also curious...in your opinion, at what point isnt it cheating? Yes, you are still married at the moment, I suppose. At this point.....why do you even care who she is or isnt sleeping with?
Originally Posted By: Tread
W proceeds to play dumb like she has never cheated. I tell her that I will contact her later in regards to getting her mother's things out of my house. Or it will be placed on the curb or sent to Goodwill. W tells me not to touch it and I inform her that I am no longer obligated to be a storage unit for her family. W then brings up the fact that I am denying her access to her things in the house. And claims that she wasn't trying to clean the house out a few months ago.
After BD, I knew my ex was seeing OM in some capacity. While I was hoping for R, what I really wanted was to be 'right'. I wanted the acknowledgment that what she was doing was a dick move and that I deserved better. I wanted an apology.
You go on and on beating this drum of acknowledging that she is cheating or is a cheater or whatever. It feels like it's coming from a similar place. Like you want everyone to know that YOU are the victim and that SHE is the 'bad guy'. Im here to tell you that you may never get that from her. And somehow you need to figure out how to be OK with that.
Because this incident today spiraled into so many things that were TOTALLY unnecessary in the context of the conversation. It sounds like a lot of pent up things you want to get off of your chest that all came exploding out at once and does nothing to help you move forward.
YES. She is lying. No, I dont condone lying. But shes lying about questions to which the answers dont matter. So maybe it's better to stop having the conversations in the first place.
It got out if control. But I don't give a damn about cordial at this point. I told S14 that is R with his mother had nothing to do with me. So no I am not trying to get him to take sides. But my child will not walk around here not having a clue about what is happening. Trust me I didn't even tell him half the details of his mother's constant betrayal. Just told why I no longer wish to be in this MR.
Me telling W about herself was me saying that I deserve better than her trifiling behavior and that people are watching. And coming to me about it regularly. Like I mentioned I don't want her in the same room for a long time. So hopefully most of this process can be done separately. Then after 4 more years of parenting, I can be done with her dysfunctional and trifiling a** for good.
