Solo

[eyesopened]

Fuzzyfish,

I think I understand what you're saying especially the part where you said he doesn't try to involve you. If I understand, you're saying that you feel as though he's masturbating not because he desires you and only you but simply because he has a physical urge for sex, and that you're wondering if he's responding ONLY to a physical urge to "scratch an itch" when he wants to ML to you and that it doesn't make much difference to him whether it's your body or his hand doing the scratching.

Have you tried talking to your husband about this or asking him? I asked mine once, and he explained that sometimes even if we've ML every day for the past few days or so, he'll MB in the morning while getting ready for work simply because it's a physical thing then and doesn't take much time to satisfy. It's something I noticed also with other lovers I ML with before marrying my husband. Sometimes, for some men, MBing is just a physical thing that has nothing to do with ML, so even if you ML with him every day, he might still MB. If he prefers to MB rather than to ML, that could, of course, cause problems in the marriage (if you review some of the threads here, you'll notice that's a problem for some women whose husbands prefer MBing to porn rather than ML with their wives).

On the other hand, for some, if not most, men, if they haven't ML for days or weeks for whatever reason, they'll MB presumably because they really want or need the physical release. It is uncomfortable for them not to do so (again, this is based on what my husband and other men have told me). Also, if he's become aroused by you and doesn't ML, sometimes it's more comfortable for him and he can sleep better or carry on with whatever he was doing before if he relieves himself physically.

So, strictly IMHO, it's more likely than not that your husband may MB to relieve himself if he's feeling sexually frustrated or if he's in a place, such as his bathroom, when the urge comes upon him. But, it's probably unlikely that he sees ML as just scratching an itch.

BTW, have you read The Sex Starved Marriage? Michele explains that for most men, ML with their wives is definitely not "scratching an itch." Another good book is Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, in which he lists 10 emotional needs that are usually identified by husbands and wives he's counseled, and shows that men and women generally (but he repeatedly cautions that this is just a generalization) don't even share each other's top 5 emotional needs. He also explains how and why sex with their wives is often men's top EMOTIONAL need (it's not just physical). Dr. Harley's website is www.marriagebuilders.com (just browse around until you find the section on the most important emotional needs). Michele's book, Harley's book, and some of the posters on this board made me realize that sex for my husband wasn't just scratching an itch but was probably his most important emotional need. Turning him down hurt him and made him feel rejected by me even though he never said so (although there were a few sniping comments from him at times).

If you're comfortable talking about sex with him, have you ever considered asking him to show you how he MBs or to let you watch? Or, if you're tired or sore or just not in the mood to ML, would you feel comfortable asking him to MB while you kiss him and touch and stroke other places on his body? I don't know about other men, but my husband likes this.

Finally, I used to try to MB my husband with my hands using the stroke that he used, which is a hard, straight back and forth motion; but my arm would feel as though it was going to fall off. A few years ago, I bought the book, How to Be a Great Lover, Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explict Techniques, by Lou Paget (she's a sex educator); and we tried a lot of the techniques in it when my husband was able to come home for lunch once or twice a week. This is the absolutely best sex manual for women who want to be good lovers that I've ever found (she's also written a book for men called How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure). The book is very tastefully done, friendly, and very explicit with step-by-step directions and drawings (no photos) using the proper names of body parts. She covers everything from kissing to manual stimulation to oral stimulation to positions to lubricants (with names and descriptions of products with ratings), etc.

This isn't the type of book that will make a woman feel like a prostitute or porn queen. In fact, Paget states that her purpose in writing the book was to empower women, increase intimacy in their relationships, and allow women and their partners to enjoy themselves in new ways (pp 2-3 of How to Be a Great Lover).

You can find it at many bookstores, including amazon.com (lots of positive reviews at amazon.com). The chapter on hand techniques is wonderful, especially one technique called "Ode to Bryan" named after her gay male friend who taught it to her in public using a spoon to demonstrate (it's a two-handed technique that your husband can't do himself unless he's extremely double-jointed) .

Anyway, my husband and I had a lot of fun with Paget's book (sometimes I'd have him hold it and read the directions to me while I tried to follow, which for us made it more like play time that started with us talking and laughing but usually ended with him dropping the book barely able to breathe as I perfected the technique we were learning). And, unlike the stroke I learned from my husband that he uses, there are strokes in that book that won't tire you out or make your arm sore (think movements that use the wrist and hand like knitting rather than the forearm or whole arm like hammering a nail). But, even with these techniques that my husband loves, he often likes to finish with that hard "milking" stroke if we didn't go on to ML (I'm very responsive to touch, whether it's him touching me or me touching him, so the hand techniques I used on him were often foreplay for both of us). If we didn't go on to ML, I could usually finish him with the "milking" stroke since it usually only took a few strokes by then. Sometimes if he's become a little desensitized so that it would take more friction or strokes than I could do comfortably, I'll let him take over while I kiss him and do other things with my hands.

BTW, I would be considered the LD wife in our marriage. I love ML with my husband once we get started, but I'd often turn him down because I was busy, tired, or irritated at him for some reason. I'm unlikely to initiate with him based on my own sex drive (pure "horniness", which comes and goes several times throughout the month, generally lasts for about 30 minutes at a time before disappearing). But, my body's very responsive physically to him when he initiates if I'm relaxed and not distracted (that's why we knew we could ML at lunch even when those lunches were scheduled a week or so in advance). In other words, I'm one of the people Michele talks about in her book who really get into it once they get started (and I've recently learned that it makes my husband feel good to know that he's the one who can get my engine running and keep it running.)