Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

"Look, I know you are angry with me and don't want to talk to me, but we need to discuss X."

Why do you think she feels that way? Do you think this is something that she could get past through your actions? Maybe to do so would force you to maybe reconcile some of your own hurt, anger, etc.? If you were ever to R wouldn't those issues have to be resolved any way?

I'm not sure what you're asking. Can you clarify? She assumes I'm angry (and I hate her) because I don't talk to her and seem to be avoiding her. I am still angry, but I don't hate her any more. Are you saying I should act as if I'm not angry, and try to also resolve my anger?

Knowing she is toxic, is there anything you could do differently to help led her through this crisis? I am not talking about your MR and R/D discussions but leading her through this communication gap between you two so that when you communicate it can be more productive? Or even be a better life at home until your S/D for your children? Is there a way you could "step up" and make a difference?

I'd like to be able to. The challenge is to do it in a way that she doesn't construe as condescending. I don't think I'm being condescending, I'm just discussing things very matter-of-factly and in a logical, non-emotional way.

I'm not sure why you're being guarded from a legal perspective. You could secretly audio record 100% of what you say to each other and it really wouldn't matter a bit unless you were talking about doing things that were illegal or threatening to hurt yourselves, each other, or the kids, and even in that scenario the lawyers would need to filter it.
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I wouldn't worry too much about trying to incriminate each other by recording your arguments, it won't count for anything in the final analysis and will just put both of you on edge.

Thanks. I guess I need to stop worrying about every little thing hurting my chances in the D. I do have to be open to the possibility that we'll go to trial. It does stress me out a lot, since there's so much riding on it.

When she approaches you with an issue, tell her up front that you are willing to discuss it as long as she can keep it polite. If she starts insulting you, then you end it.

I'll try to remember that approach. It's tricky because she starts giving me attitude (tone of voice, faces) without really insulting me. Where to draw the line gets tricky. But I think I need to be sure to call her out when any of her behavior is hurting the conversation.