25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

went target shooting with G, and then to eat.

Okay as for shooting, it's not a "get out the rage" thing for me. It's all about empowerment.

My h was (I ASSUMED) my protector, and he's gone now. What to do to feel safe?

I have a gun and I shoot it well and I hit the target often. So there.

I'm protecting myself. I'm rescuing myself (which is a big reason for ME not to date too soon).

I do not NEED a man in my home, and so there's that too.

Re Mr M - he is very concerned with finishing his Gross Div Crap before "really dating" and before "being fully present" which I understand in my head. They've been sep 4 years, closing on house between Nov and Jan.

In my head, this is ^^^ WISE. In my 19 year old (last time I really dated)

ego/heart the reality is I'm used to being pursued harder. True, He calls a lot and texts or calls every night. He travels a lot too (says that changes in Jan).

I date OMs b/c there's no promise not to, at this point. So why not?

So we shall see. I read an article about men dating women 20+ years younger than they are, and it was written by a man, and it was so Unflattering to men.

(Unless the older man wants a fertile woman for procreation - having NOT had a family of his own before. Not the "do over abandoner's" like my h, -ugh).

The author's main points --- "why should a younger woman marry an older guy she will have to nurse in his later years?

What is SHE getting out of it? If it's money, why marry her? Just call it what it is".


Also said

And what do you 2 talk about? I mean in the dark nights of the soul, how do you truly connect? I mean after the sex? Do you want to grow old together OR have her watch YOU grow old and hope she sticks around?


I had A dinner with a 39 y/o recently (breaking my rule not to date anyone closer in age to my son, but i had not asked him his age and he knew mine, so, it did to occur to me to ask him.wtf?)

Anyhow, it became clear that although he's got a masters in some IT field in which I'm inept, he could Not talk about anything OTHER than IT and pop culture and a smattering of talking points on politics (please tell me that IT people are not all like that??)

Finally I asked him how old he was b/c he talked about a fav show of his which my son loves. THat's when he said 39 (my son recently turned 31).

He seemed to think I would be fine and flattered as if HE was the "cool progressive deep" person WILLING to try to connect with a "beautiful mature woman" (his words and you're darn right I'm writing them down --- we all need those pats on the back).

Thing is, he seemed fun. We could "date for fun".

But with no future FOR ME. I don't want to have him push me around in a wheelchair always waiting for him to bolt for the woman NOT in the wheelchair.

I want to grow old (not now!! but still) WITH someone.

Not long before them, nor from afar watching them as they make their walk to eternity alone, b/c I'm too far behind...

I want to grow old with them.

So that's what I learned.

Another thing I learned is that although I like camping and hunting and fishing

those are things H loved and I learned to like them too. But would I like them, if not for him?

Does that matter? I KNOW I love dancing and theater and that's a certainty.

LOVE LANGUAGES NEWSFLASHES FOR ME

I always said my LL were quality time and acts of service

But by being married to a doctor, I got almost none of either.

Interesting to me.

And the other day when the young guy (39 is young to me)
said I was "beautiful"

I thought about h's strong urgent need for words of affirmation. And it hit me that I cannot recall the last time h told me I was attractive or beautiful or anything abuot my looks.

When I made him laugh hard, he'd say "great line" for my comedy jokes, (he was a good laugher)

but about my looks?? No in years. And why not?

I mean, I am good looking enough for a man to comment, so why'd my own h hold that back so much?

AND is it one of my LL's - or did I deny needing those words b/c they were another thing I got so little of, that I decided it did not matter? Were quality time/acts of service just my HOPES??

Same for gifts. Thought, "eh, not such a biggy."

OMG the anniversary "gifts" I did not get or got the opposite of (gifts for HIM under the guise of "anniversary" gifts). Maybe they would have mattered but SO MANY times he dropped the ball on special days, it was embarrassing. Truly.

But this is NOT about h, it's about ME

h can remain on the tundra backburner to the place of irrelevance he so richly deserves;

I'm just wondering what I, 25, REALLY do want as routes of receiving/giving love.

There are Acts of Service, (Can't think of one from h in past 3 years...literally)

Quality time (none with h but I'm pretty sure that's a real YES for me.)

Gifts - not the showy kind you brag about but a thoughtful item, sure.

NOT a "Fitbit" OMG I got that from h for my birthday right after my mom died, and it was RED so you couldn't pretend it was a watch. I should have written "Thanks h, signed 'fatso wife" except I was never fat. But I did lose 15 lbs, HEY did schmoopie gain 15 IQ points, so that she's now in the dullard range??)

YIKES I'M ON A ROLL settle down girl,

okay back to healthy talk....

point of all this is to discover what my love languages are - how I want love given to me AND without turning away from it b/c it's given in someone sincerely making an effort but not knowing my "routes"....


and how I GIVE/SHOW love. I like to cook, so acts of service is one of my giving ways.

I need to ponder the rest.

But can you all see how valuable it is to figure ths out before dating too much?

M (the guy I'm most drawn to) asked me If I liked camping and I know he does.

I said yes -(and without consciously knowing it, I said yes PARTLY b/c I wanted to like what he likes!)

Then I realized I've done a lot of camping and that's b/c H took us camping b/c HE liked it!!

And in time I learned to like it b/c it made life easier and b/c a part of me is outdoorsy and a tomboy. I shared all this with M b/c it just means I'm still learning -- finally I said "I like camping IN some form of structure no more laying on gravel and not being able to lift my spine the next day. Those fun days are behind me."

and another random insight of HIS (M's) was that we are both surviving our marital plane crashes. Let us hope and build on what we have in common OTHER than this.


AMEN

Hence the ballroom dance lesson we plan on taking in January. A lot can happen between now and then, but I still find myself with my fingers crossed for us..

OTOH there are men out there over 50 who seem all too happy to date women their own age. So far...

One thing at a time...AND

on that happy note,

have a good Saturday night people.

xoxo