I'm so glad that your son is OK. I had a serious car crash about 8 years ago myself and know how traumatic even as an adult that can be. I was physically fine - some bruises that nobody seemed to want to see ;-) ) Emotionally though I was overwhelmed and was grateful on how my wife swooped in and handled things in a very capable fashion.
You can be proud that your son's first thought was to reach out to you for help. The sane parent. The person that can be relied on to make things "right". One of the scary things for me after being left along was the feeling of "operating without a net".
I was wondering reading your posts over the last few months if perhaps you'd married one of my ex-in-laws? I recognize the traits you talk about, especially the issues around money. My ex-father-in-law has at least one illegitimate child and spent time in your neck of the woods when he was younger so ....
I agree with you on distancing yourself from your ex and his efforts to control you with his chequebook and importance. My exFIL would regularly play his kids off against each other for most of their lives talking about their inheritances. This from a blue-collar railway worker. He would also use the possibility of loaning or co-signing money as a hold over us early in our marriage. We did accept a small loan for a down-payment on a car once and for the next 20 years heard about it all the time and how it was itemized and would come out of the inheritance. He also regularly had new toys, cars, maxed out credit cards etc etc - you know the song. His son was the same way. I recall being hushed severely by my STBX when he insisted that he pay for lunch one day. He was quite aggressive about it and carried it in the manner of "I'm well off (also blue-collar railway) and I am deigning to feed you". I'm well shut of that crowd and I can understand your desire to get out from under that cloud. If you take his coin he will believe that he is calling the tune.
As far as the money goes - it's just stuff. And stuff isn't important. Your kids are pretty much largely making their own ways in the world already as are you. One big worry that I would have from my own experience with this sort of person is that they do have an expectation that it is a two-way obligation. You absolutely don't want to be in a position where you are obligated to have to bail his butt out of whatever hole he may end himself up in. Because if he gets to that point it will be a big, deep, stinky hole full of bears and snakes.
I do think that one of the reasons for my STBX running off was her own dissatisfaction with our life compared to others especially her relatives. That ignores the massive debt carried by many of them or the family money that others came into. Perhaps she found her golden ticket in her guy and will get the hot-tub and backyard pool and a house where the thermostat goes up over 19 celcius that she perhaps dreamed of.
I'm impressed at your "handyperson" skills. Everyone should be able to do simple repairs. My daughter is actually more handy than my son because it was usually her that was willing to hold the flashlight or pass the tools when I was working on things. And she is a very feminine woman as well. If only you knew how to weld and my divorce was final I'd drive right up and propose to you this afternoon One of my father's favourite sayings was "A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife". On the other hand you probably wouldn't like living in what an old aquaintance of mine from Yellowknife calls "The brown south" far away from your kids despite the fact that there's a nice little store across the street that the older couple who runs it is probably looking for a buyer for.
Think of yourself as the "paperbag princess" - I'm sure you know the Robert Munsch story. Self-rescuing princesses are the most awesome.
You have a lot to be proud of and are an amazing and exquisite person. Perhaps some days it just feels like you are trying to put one foot in front of the other or that you are being dragged back but you sound like you have your eyes firmly on your own Far Shore.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
One of my father's favourite sayings was "A farmer's life is full of strife. Thanks be to God I've got a muscular wife". On the other hand you probably wouldn't like living in what an old aquaintance of mine from Yellowknife calls "The brown south" far away from your kids despite the fact that there's a nice little store across the street that the older couple who runs it is probably looking for a buyer for.