Solo

[NotATLDave]

Ok Cemar,

I know what you are feeling. I few weeks ago I would see a Cialis commercial with the old couple living a romantic life together and it would bring me down. Did you see the movie Better of Dead where John Cusak's girfriend dumps him and then every song on the radio is about "breaking up"? You have got to snap out of it somehow. You are seeing the world through infrared lenses that only see love, sex, and hot chicks and it's driving you nuts. Ok, I will admit that my sitch was on my mind a few weeks ago while dodging trees on a tight, twisty trail on my mountain bike at 20 mph. Yes it's hard to shake it but it CAN "lighten" up. What finally put me at ease was when I had a huge talk with my W where I finally "listened" closely to her, asked her probing questions, listened again, and finally heard what she was saying. I "forgot" all the BS I had read in all the books and on this website and listened to HER. I know I keep saying f*ck Dr. Laura but I think I'm really trying to tell you to "forget" the books and look to your W to provide you with the answers. It's NOT that complicated and by doing so, you will be one step further in establishing a bond. Rehearse, make notes or do whatever it takes so that you don't turn the conversation into tar which will happen the moment you refer to anything outside of what your W is telling you. Then get to a C for yourself. My C immediately picked up on my anxiety and told me to "do something" to self soothe. By looking to your W for "comfort" you are going ruin it for yourself and drive yourself crazy in the process.

Re-read the first couple chapters of Passionate Marriage.

"People whose identity is primarily dependent upon their relationship don't facilitate the development of those they love. They loose their identity when others change" - p.60

"Why would you rather believe she's refusing to do something for you that is within her abilities than the possibility that her not standing up has to do with how she percieves her own emotional legs" - p. 61.


I hope you can find ways to "smoothe" out this anxiety thing. Here's what I recommend because it worked for me last week. If possible, send W and kids or yourself out of town for 3 days to have some alone time to do this. Try to get your company to send you somewhere for a week...like training, a trade show or something.

1. Get on a high quality regimen of multi-vitamins. Not the crap at Walgreens but the $30 stuff at your health food store. Just get a really good multi and double the daily dose for a few days. I can assure you that your brain is in a "stress cycle" and some nourishment will help break the cycle. Increase water consumption. If you already are on a regimen, then you

2. Hire a massage therapist for 2-3 hours of intense "flushing"...not that wimpy crap that they do at women's spas...there are actually very few women strong enough to do this so have your gym recommend someone who does "deep" massage. It will hurt like hell but it releases a bunch of endorphins and adrenaline...you'll feel f'in great afterwards despite being sore for a few days.

3. As bizarre as this may sound (I'm a huge skeptic), a few trips to a chiropractor can really help.

Ok, at this point I'm talking about physical things. Just like SSM teaches LDs desire comes after physical arousal and the idea that "lubricant" can make an LD's brain think it's feeling desire...these activities do the same to your brain. Your body will not be holding any stress, so you're brain then thinks everything is cool. DO NOT FEAR THAT YOU WILL LOSE INTEREST IN THIS PROCESS WHEN YOU ARE FEELING GOOD. I haven't lost interest and I've even been able to look at things differently and more empathetically. This is critical and you've proven that your "filter" is distorted right now.

In general, I think part of my "relaxation" came from the fact that I put my anxiety in the "cross hairs" instead of my M. I recommend you do the same.