My theory is that she would feel threatened if she knew how often I do this. I'm as discreet with it as I can be. For the past few years I've taken to quietly doing it in bed virtually every night - I just quietly jerk off into the sheets. My feeling is that if I took a magazine into the washroom, she would feel "pressured" by this. I'm not sure if she's aware of my movements at night... I do know that sometimes she's awake while I'm doing it. At the moment it's not something we acknowledge or talk about...
BTW, I just had an eye-doctor appointment, and I do need a slightly stronger prescription...
1. No, I have never slowed down while working on the R. I just make sure that he is nowhere around because it makes him very uncomfortable if he is around when I fly solo.
2. He does not want to know, nor does he care if I take care of my own needs but it gets old. Not the same as intimacy between a couple. I've asked if he would like to participate and the look of terror in his eyes... well, another blow to my ego. From what I've seen here, most guys would like to participate somewhat.
And, I promise you will not go blind, but you might have to shave your palms once in awhile.....
I think that going solo is a private thing. If your spouse asks you about it, then I think it's good to be open and honest in your response. But to just bring it up as a topic of discussion, I believe, is manipulative.
I have figured out that in 99% of my sexual sessions, my wife is not there or asleep. If I am in bed with her, I make it a point to NOT try to hide it. I want her to KNOW that I am masturbating.
Honestly, even though masturbation feels great, it sometimes really ticks me off that it is my ONLY way of sexual satisfaction. I don't think that it helsp a SSM at all.
P.S. It seems that no matter where I go or what I do, I am confronted with sexuality. I workout almost everyday to make me more attractive, and yet I have to face all kinds of attractive women in the gym, and many obviously can turn me on. Then I like to bike ride through my town, doing about 10 miles on the trail, and the trail has some of the most beatuiful young women I have ever seen. And if it's not the women, I see couples young AND OLD, that are kissing, cuddling, walking hand-in-hand doen the trail. No matter where I go or what I do , society CONSTANTLY reminds us of our sex drives. Just the other day, I took my youngest son to the park, and on a picinic table was a couple of teens about 16-17 I would say. He was sitting on the top of the table with his feet on the bench with his legs spread. She was kneeling on the bench between his legs, smooching with him the entire time I was their. They were fully clothed, but his arms where around her, and her mouth was on his while her hands were obviously taking care of his package. I am watching this thinking, God, would I love to be him. The entire time, I all could think of was the good ole days when the wife actually had a sexually playfull streak. I would give ANYTHING to have that back. Sex is freakin everywhere, except in my house.
I know what you are feeling. I few weeks ago I would see a Cialis commercial with the old couple living a romantic life together and it would bring me down. Did you see the movie Better of Dead where John Cusak's girfriend dumps him and then every song on the radio is about "breaking up"? You have got to snap out of it somehow. You are seeing the world through infrared lenses that only see love, sex, and hot chicks and it's driving you nuts. Ok, I will admit that my sitch was on my mind a few weeks ago while dodging trees on a tight, twisty trail on my mountain bike at 20 mph. Yes it's hard to shake it but it CAN "lighten" up. What finally put me at ease was when I had a huge talk with my W where I finally "listened" closely to her, asked her probing questions, listened again, and finally heard what she was saying. I "forgot" all the BS I had read in all the books and on this website and listened to HER. I know I keep saying f*ck Dr. Laura but I think I'm really trying to tell you to "forget" the books and look to your W to provide you with the answers. It's NOT that complicated and by doing so, you will be one step further in establishing a bond. Rehearse, make notes or do whatever it takes so that you don't turn the conversation into tar which will happen the moment you refer to anything outside of what your W is telling you. Then get to a C for yourself. My C immediately picked up on my anxiety and told me to "do something" to self soothe. By looking to your W for "comfort" you are going ruin it for yourself and drive yourself crazy in the process.
Re-read the first couple chapters of Passionate Marriage.
"People whose identity is primarily dependent upon their relationship don't facilitate the development of those they love. They loose their identity when others change" - p.60
"Why would you rather believe she's refusing to do something for you that is within her abilities than the possibility that her not standing up has to do with how she percieves her own emotional legs" - p. 61.
I hope you can find ways to "smoothe" out this anxiety thing. Here's what I recommend because it worked for me last week. If possible, send W and kids or yourself out of town for 3 days to have some alone time to do this. Try to get your company to send you somewhere for a week...like training, a trade show or something.
1. Get on a high quality regimen of multi-vitamins. Not the crap at Walgreens but the $30 stuff at your health food store. Just get a really good multi and double the daily dose for a few days. I can assure you that your brain is in a "stress cycle" and some nourishment will help break the cycle. Increase water consumption. If you already are on a regimen, then you
2. Hire a massage therapist for 2-3 hours of intense "flushing"...not that wimpy crap that they do at women's spas...there are actually very few women strong enough to do this so have your gym recommend someone who does "deep" massage. It will hurt like hell but it releases a bunch of endorphins and adrenaline...you'll feel f'in great afterwards despite being sore for a few days.
3. As bizarre as this may sound (I'm a huge skeptic), a few trips to a chiropractor can really help.
Ok, at this point I'm talking about physical things. Just like SSM teaches LDs desire comes after physical arousal and the idea that "lubricant" can make an LD's brain think it's feeling desire...these activities do the same to your brain. Your body will not be holding any stress, so you're brain then thinks everything is cool. DO NOT FEAR THAT YOU WILL LOSE INTEREST IN THIS PROCESS WHEN YOU ARE FEELING GOOD. I haven't lost interest and I've even been able to look at things differently and more empathetically. This is critical and you've proven that your "filter" is distorted right now.
In general, I think part of my "relaxation" came from the fact that I put my anxiety in the "cross hairs" instead of my M. I recommend you do the same.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Just like most people, I suppose, I've grown up to think of masturbation as naughty and for losers that can't get 'proper' sex. Since I'm the HD in the R and have to go solo nearly all the time, I've realised it is bad for the self-esteem and confidence to regard yourself as a loser in this way.
Therefore, although I feel embarrassed about the idea, I'm wondering whether I stop hiding it but openly do it in full knowledge of my GF. If, when she rejected my advances, I just went solo but didn't complain about it, would she be happy that I was satisfied and didn't pester her any longer? Would she think I was perverted? Would the 'seesaw effect' help improve her own desire? Surely it is better not to hide anything in a R and everything should be open and shared. She claims she's never masturbated because she doesn't feel anything when she touches herself so her attitude to it is bound to be skewed.
I'm particularly interested to hear from LD wives what their reaction would be to their HDH 'sharing' his solo flight. Would this be an acceptable compromise to having sex with you? Would you give him an occasional hand? Or would you tell him to go off and do it privately? Would it make the whole situation worse?
Chiming in here. I think choking the chicken while in bed with your wife is a big mistake. It's like saying, "okay, bitch, if you're not going to be my vessel, I'll just let the sheets (or my shorts, or this Kleenex) be my vessel. It's all the same to me." Not to say that I haven't done this before, although I waited until I heard either snoring or regular breathing. Still, it's wrong, and I truly have no masturbation hang ups. Masturbate all you will, just do it out of view, and clean up after yourself. My wife calls me passive aggressive sometimes, but hell, doing it on the sheets?? Come on, dude, do you think she doesn't see that, smell that, feel that? Why don't you just turn on you side and do the money shot all over her thigh?
Hairdog, who sometimes believes that men are, indeed, pigs.
Your point is well taken, hairdog, but not entirely fair, at least in my case, imho. It's most definitely NOT a question of "...makes no difference to me...". Nor is it a passive-agressive act. I do my best in all cases to make sure she is not aware. Of course, I would LOVE it if she DID become aware, and lovingly help me out, but we all know that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I'm sure she's aware of my "shot-spot", but for all I know, she assumes it's from wet dreams.
My biggest problem with this is, on one hand, a lack of any real privacy most evenings - with 3 kids in the house, ranging in age from 12 to 20, it's not easy to find a few minutes alone behind a locked door without raising questions - and on the other hand, nightly routine. I have an eye condition which requires me to use an ointment at bedtime in both eyes. Most nights, W ends up in bed AFTER me. So if I were going to "retire to the drawing room", I'd either have to tie up the room before bedtime, or I'd have to wait until SHE's in bed and then do the deed. In either case, it would be to make a MUCH bigger deal out of it, and basically "rub her nose in it" (how's THAT for a visual?). My feeling is that what I'm doing is taking some of the pressure off (SOME), without being too obvious. Of course, we haven't discussed it, and we would NOT be able to without the risk of "upsetting the applecart", so for now, I'll leave things as they are...
