So the dynamic in my marriage has always been this. I would work she would take the kids to and from school. And stay at home with the youngest. She is in the navy reserves and she would leave for a two weeks a month at a time. 3 or 4 times a year.
So after the affairs when she was away I always thought she was cheating. So I chose to drink. And pretty much get caught up in looking for her to be lying. So that is definitely on me. When in the those moods I was horrible for the kids. Also I had help with the children. So it was a chance to get out and unwind.
Most weekends I spent just taking care of the kids and cooking / cleaning. Occasionally I might go to the swap meet with a friend. But largely it was taking care of things going on at the house.
So she started complaining about being at home all the time. So I asked her to get a job to help out. It wasn't about the money it was just about her getting out of the house. Making some friends and just a change of pace. That seemed to make things worse. Since we never spent any time together. Our schedules didn't match. Plus she would always volunteer for extra things. So it seemed like she didn't want to be at home. So I asked to her to talk to me before volunteering. That way we could discuss what it might affect. She felt that I was being controlling.
No matter what she has ever done or what problems it created. I have always been there to make sure it works. That is something she told my 17 year old daughter, who is her best friend by the way. I will never let her fail and she knows it.
At one point after she asked for the divorce. It seemed like we were going to work on the marriage and get things back on track. She doesn't know what I wanted to change about me with hypnotherapy. Part of it was my self-esteem the other was forgiveness. My therapy actually has nothing to do with drinking. I figured out why I was drinking and decided to change that directly. It has helped with forgiveness. See I don't resent her anymore or her choices. Or even the cheating anymore. And I do want to trust her completely.
Unintended side effect of making those changes is I realized I was being treated unfairly in the relationship. That at some point I had become an enabler. It wasn't my fault she cheated. It was completely on her. That she didn't respect me or care about me. Basically I was a pay check to support her and her family.
Almost all of the fighting lately has been in response to my establishing boundaries and attempting to enforce them.
My thinking is as follows. She is going to be deployed for 9 months and come home. Then tell me to move out. Since she doesn't want me to move out until after she is back from her deployment. She wants the divorce to do what she wants and not get punished by the navy. While I stay at home and take care of our children.
I asked her why should I stay? The outcome isn't any different. It isn't in my best interest to continue the relationship at the point. Her answer was it is what is best for the children.
See I am the type of guy I will give up anything for my children. They are my entire world and I want to be there with them while they grow up. Also I love my life tremendously but I let her walk on me for so long.
I told her if she wants to go out party, and sleep around then go for it. Just don't come home anymore. I deserved to be treated better and so do her children. Of course she took that as I was throwing her out. Funny how that works.
My W doesn't really understand me. A lot of her behaviors were let go because we were married and I love her. At the end of the day if we are not together then it won't be tolerated. It is a lot like the children I don't enjoy punishing them. But if the action merits the response so be it.
Hell I stopped talking to my own mother for 5 years because she called my W a whore and a slut. I love my mother but that wasn't okay and it took 5 years for her to apologize.
