How to end the fighting.....

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Yes I am actively listening. I don't always understand what she means. Asking questions to get more information leads into fighting and her saying I am not listening. As she likes to say if I don't understand then I didn't listen I just heard the words. Never mind I could repeat them back verbatim including context.

Maybe instead of asking questions, you think for a second to try to understand your self. Then maybe instead of repeating verbatim - you could say something like "Im not sure if Im following completely, but I think you are trying to say XXX - is that right?" or something to that effect. I think its absolutely possible to listen and not understand. Just try to show that you ARE listening.

I never had to drink. That was a choice I made. Albeit the wrong one time and time again. My emotions are starting to stabilize as I process through them. Caveat the constant fighting and blaming doesn't make it easy.

But it doesnt sound like you are doing anything to teach you how to deal with your emotional stress. "Waiting for the emotions to stabilize" doesnt sound like a good long term strategy. What are you doing to help you remain calm during the fighting and blaming? From what I gather, it used to be alcohol...what now?

I do a good job paying the bills and balancing the budget. She just complains I use the money as a form of control. No we aren't talking and she treats her money like her own. She just expects me to pay the bills and move out as soon as I am able. So long as it does not leave me homeless. At this point I am wondering if that wouldn't be better.

So youre letting her walk all over you financially? Whats yours is hers and whats hers is hers, huh? Why WOULDNT she want to keep that arrangement? And what incentive is there to NOT leave you homeless? She wants to stay or leave, then fine - but I dont think you should be paying for everything in the interim.

As to the children, I am always doing things with them. Watching TV, drawing, coloring, homework etc. Recently it has been road trips to the various state parks and hiking etc. You get the idea.

I am changing for me. Therapy and communicating will only help me in the long run. Of her I don't have any real expectations never really have.

You said "I dont mind changing, but I cant be the only one." To me, that means you arent going to take a step unless she does too. Am I misunderstanding?

A good example she told me she wanted a divorce. My immediate was response was absolutely not I don't believe in divorce. Not only that we owe it to our children to try and fix the situation. Response I don't care about her or what she wants.

It kind of sounds like you dont......

There was no real healing process more of tried to drink away the hurt. And then get on with life. I am not sure she ever tried to earn my trust back. If you ask her she wouldn't make friends. She stopped drinking. But she would never open up and talk to me about problems. If I tried talking to her about them they ended in fighting. Which in turn led to more drinking.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Im not surprised you dont trust her. Do you really think you SHOULD trust her?

Right now I work, go home and take care of kids. Her brother lives with us but once I am home he goes to his room and out for a moment for dinner. Outside of that I don't see him.

About all I get to do for myself lately is go for nightly drives and sleep in my car so I am not fighting with her.

Maybe it's time to use that spare time to occupy your mind instead of just driving. What kind of hobby would you like to have?

Until things are stabilized for the children there isn't much I can do for me. By time they go to bed I am passing out.

Thats hogwash. Have you ever been in a plane? Whats the safety instruction? Attach your oxygen mask before helping others. If YOU are a wreck then their lives CANT be stabilized. It is CRUCIAL that you take time for yourself to GAL right now.