I think she enjoys sucking me in emotionally and getting a rise out of me. It seems to almost be her goal. When I don't get emotional and instead try to play it like Spock (something I do often), she gets really frustrated.
I think you are on to something! I agree with you! So you play it cool, she gets frustrated, throws out some insult and you let her know that speaking to you this way is unacceptable and you would love to continue the conversation but that it will only happen if she can remain calm.
I think you have tried to do this but if I remember it has happened in the context of you getting sort of sucked in emotionally. When you get sucked in I think it takes away the power of your message.
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"Look, I know you are angry with me and don't want to talk to me, but we need to discuss X."
Why do you think she feels that way? Do you think this is something that she could get past through your actions? Maybe to do so would force you to maybe reconcile some of your own hurt, anger, etc.? If you were ever to R wouldn't those issues have to be resolved any way?
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Yeah, writing that out makes me realize just how toxic she is.
I agree 100%...my W would argue with me and when I would argue back she would never accept any blame or she would turn it back around on me so I would never get any where. Finally I stopped trying, I called her out on it a few times but I never really sat her down to let her know how it made me feel. That part of our R was not good but I just accepted it over time which probably helped get me in the position I am in now.
Knowing she is toxic, is there anything you could do differently to help led her through this crisis? I am not talking about your MR and R/D discussions but leading her through this communication gap between you two so that when you communicate it can be more productive? Or even be a better life at home until your S/D for your children? Is there a way you could "step up" and make a difference?
H...again just my random thoughts, not trying to be critical. I am lucky in many ways that my W moved out 3 weeks after BD so I did not have to go through the in-house separation ordeal. I feel for you and your pain!
