Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[BluWave]

Sandi, thank you for that. I really appreciate it. My sitch has certainly taught me to be less judgemental of others, including my own H. I'll admit it, I don't have much motivation to read here or post these days. Right now I don't want to save my M. It has been the one thing that has caused me so much grief and unhappiness in the last several years. We ended up getting into a R talk last night. It was so F-ING SAD! I don't want to rehash the details here, but in a nutshell, the M as we know it today is dead. I just can't keep forcing this. I need to let go because I haven't fully let go of this man or this M in 17 years. And he blames himself completely. That is the part that makes me the most sad. I know it's not true and I have even told him that. It is never the sole responsibility of one person.

I hope I will find my way back to him. Last night he was so genuine,kind, sad and vulnerable. I just looked at him and thought, "what is wrong with me? Why can't I move past/through this?" But if there is one thing that I do know, it is that all the therapy, books, Retrouvaille, and working on it, is not bringing me closer to him. I feel suffocated. I want him to let me go. I want to be able to choose him out of my own free will. That hasn't happened yet. I am hoping if I can free myself of him and really, truly let go, that I can choose to find my way back. Not because I have to, or out of fear, but because I want to.

25, thank you for weighing in. I am very sorry to hear about your brother and his cancer. This is some of the hardest stuff to deal with. I think I have mentioned before that I am an ICU/CVICU nurse and I work with death and dying a lot. I will never, ever forget at the lowest point in my separation (when H was with OW) this one day at work. We finally were able to remove the breathing tube on this sweet old man. After several minutes he found his voice and his first words were, "where is my wife?" ... I completely lost it .... I had to stave off another anxiety attack at work that day ...

Just typing this reminds me that I am still so traumatized from my sitch. The difference between now and a couple years ago, is that I am much more cerebral about it all. Partly, I am a stronger person because of it all, and partly I am no longer letting my emotions control my life. I'm done living that way. I want to heal my PTSD, I want to heal my wounds from before my M, and I cannot do that while focusing on him. Some of the things that have helped have been more fun with my GFs, running, eating better, and all the good literature by Perel, Brene Brown, etc, ... I digress ...

What would I like my life to look like? Oh gosh. That is the million dollar question. I don't know. Right now, it looks pretty darn good to an outsider. And in several ways it looks good to me. I am so grateful for my beautiful family, my friends NOW are the best women I could ask for, my home, my community, my job ... I don't feel that I am in a position to change that all. I don't want to physically break it apart. I feel that breaking it all apart is the wrong move and would be selfish. At this point I see us living as a family but I see my H as more of a person that I used to be in love with and that I hope one day I can be again, or even start by finding a friendship, but even all that doesn't describe it well.

Doodler, I am probably not gonna answer your question to your satisfaction, but I will try briefly. What do I get from OM? I would say there are two different things. First, there is friendship and what we have in common. Second, is the attraction, desire, danger, and excitement. I'll let you imagine the rest. The thing is, and mostly why I decided to post, is to emphasis the point that not all infidelity is entirely irrational. On these boards, and in other places, everyone wants to assume that there has to be this component of limerance, fog, addiction, MLC, etc, etc. I am sorry to tell all the LBS out there that that is simply not true. I think we convince ourselves of that (I know I did) so we don't have to face the simple reality that we are being rejected and our S is choosing someone else. That is more painful to accept. I can also say that my H and OM are entirely opposites in every way. I can't compare them and I wouldn't. They are just different. And my feelings for one have nothing to do with my feelings for the other. There is no emotional attachment to OM and in that sense there is a safety.

I wanted to respond to all of you--Coconut, Roist, AS, Sotto, Ginger, Own, Storm, and all of you--and say thank you so much for weighing in and your thought-provoking comments. I will certainly read them all again and keep thinking on this.

I don't make excuses for myself and I will be the first to admit that what I am doing is wrong by most standards. I also am in this place where I want to change, and in more ways than one. I have made several changes in the last few months--some good and some bad--but all of it feels safe right now and is helping me understand myself better. So that is my main goal as of now.

Blu