How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[CT1118]

Just a moment Clyde, I a going to hijack briefly...


***> Matrix,
You honor me. It is humbling to read your input and to comprehend that I have been of some help. Thank you, truly.<***

Thanks for the brief aside there on your post Clyde. First off, it is cathartic to dump our M's bile here, so if posting in the forum about the sister eases you, then you should do it. This is your thread in a safe and anonymous place - so bleed, weep, scream, and even celebrate (believe it or not, that day will come) the story as you will. Keep that real life notebook safe from any prying eyes though - btw, I kept one with printed DB stuff too.

That said...

My reason for feeling the need to elaborate on these outings is that some have said I am being controlling (and I can see why they might think that without further elaboration) before the M went haywire, she broke the trust several times regarding these outings... do I lie and say I trust her? Or is this where the healthy boundaries come in.

Clyde, before we get to your question(s), I will ask you to appreciate the irony of your statement ^^^. Your feeling like you need to elaborate to illustrate to the forum that you are not a controlling person is an illustration of being a controlling person. Your entire first thread had the symptoms of a controlling personality, I'm not going to replay it here, but it did. And now, here you are, facing one of the most out of control situations you could have ever imagined and thinking you can control it, i.e. explain yourself further in hopes that those who said you were controlling will come to understand if you can only explain a little bit more is EXACTLY the irony of you quoting EASTTN in your Nov 11th post!

Me sticking to your initial goals, sir, you are still here because you want to find a truth. Here is what you got presently, you got no control over W or W's friends. W has left and what specific thing can you do right this very second about her choice(s)? If you thought "jack sh*t" then you got that right. What you can do, is think about what I said before, in summary, tearing yourself down and cleaning all of your parts. Where does that desire to control come from Clyde? Who or what taught you that, and you were taught that. Control is a form of self defense - there is a burn down in there somewhere.

Praise be upon the day that I was asked this:

By becoming individuals again we can see who is really the source of the problem, is it ourselves or is it our partner?

Now, regarding your questions - do you lie and say you trust her or is this where healthy boundaries come in... Depends, do you want to live with yourself as confident and emotionally strong individual or do you want to continue to blame WW for all the ailments of your current persona? A man in the construction business w/ 3 kids and a W in school - brave endeavor sir, so I'm leaning toward your brave heart choosing the answer that does not leave you punishing WW's memory or presence for the rest of days. She broke your trust AND your heart dude, but statistics lean highly towards the probability that you helped break something in her too. And together you both f'ked that M up.

Yes, this is where boundaries come in, but a common misconception is that boundaries are to defend the LBS from the WAS, they are not. The boundaries are inside of us and they are new boundaries we strive to achieve regarding our own behavior, not fences we place around others. Think about that for a moment, because how we frame our thoughts will make a difference.

As I was told once, get the shovel out and start digging. Find out who Clyde becomes, he's down there.