Hello everyone! Sorry, I know I said I needed a break from these boards but I hope you don't mind me coming back for a vent!
Just had coffee with the wife of H's friend, the one who was mean to me at another friend's funeral. I made a real effort not to talk about H because I really don't want to but she started saying stuff like they don't see him very much blah, blah, blah. I said I'm not really interested in what he is doing and thought she might shut up. Instead she went on to tell me that the husband of the friend who passed away last August has now got a girlfriend! Wow, I'm pleased for him but surely he must still be grieving? Anyway she asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, that I don't feel ready and that I just don't trust my judgement at the moment because I thought I meant more to him than I actually do. She said surely as it's been 1.5 years you need to move on. No one ever goes back after this long and that she thinks H will always be sad that it didn't work out between us! I just wanted to cry...
Why does she say these things! She then went on to tell me about all the things he does and all the parties they have been to as a group. I just hate all if this! I hate him, I hate her and I hate all if his friends! I've stopped looking in FB now and she has noticed.
Sorry vent over! Thanks for listening...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
She is a very insensitive Itch. She hasn't walked in your shoes and doesn't understand what you are dealing with. As for her telling you things, it might be because she wants to see what your reaction will be or she just wants you to know what he's doing. Whatever the reason, vent here and let it go.
Keep your focus on you and your daughter. People like her are not your friends.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. I think the whole, H will always be sad that it didn't work out just sent me spinning. He made sure it didn't work out because he said he didn't love me enough to make it work so how can he be sad!! I am still seething that she even thinks that!
D is annoyed I met with her especially as she went on and in about making sure I go out with friends and enjoy myself and D said but she is your friend so why has she not suggested going out! Makes me mad!!
You know the more I hear about H, the less I like him and the easier it is to never want to see him again.
Me and D are doing just fine with out him or any of his weird friends!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I've been reading along and have meant to drop a comment, but reading your posts from the last few days, I am feeling I can relate to you even more. If nothing else I say sticks, at least take away that you should try to stay away from H's FB! That has been the beginning of my undoing over the last couple of weeks as well. I know it's hard, but you have to try (as I continue to "try" to take my own advice).
Regarding this person, I would stay far away from her. It's clear she couldn't care less about you or your feelings. If she did, she wouldn't be sharing the great time they are having at all of the parties you are no longer invited to because he left you. Anybody with an ounce of empathy in their body would realize that and zip it. And as job said, she has no clue what she's talking about. Lots of great advice from someone who has not even walked 1 step your shoes.
When you wrote that the the more you hear about H, the less you like him and the easier it is to never want to see him again, hit home for me. I had seen a recent pic of H and he didn't look great. Not horrible, just sloppy and not normally as good looking and OW was in pic so even worse, but I got a little grossed out by him. That has always helped me in prior Rs, the minute I'm really grossed out by them, I am able to pull away. Ha! I know, this is my H, not just a boyfriend and many more years of history, so that's going to be a bit harder to achieve. My point is that I think once H has done enough damagae to erase our prior memories of who they were, it might begin to help in the letting go.
You said it best, you and D have been doing just fine w/out him (& his weird friends) and you will continue on that path w/ or w/out him. I have faith you and know you'll make through to the other side like a champ!
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
I've learned so many things through this process and one is to distance myself from people like your friend.
In fact I've decided to not go to the annual Christmas night out with my former colleagues.
I know they mean well but I'm not going to put myself through " so what's happening with you and H?". " surely you won't take him back now after 18montns?" "You deserve better". "Depressed? Pull the other one...I've no time for that".
Unless you've walked in our shoes then you have no right to judge.
So what I'm saying is.....stay clear from people like her. You don't need that negativity in your life right now!
Coly23 - One thing I often say these days is "you don't know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine".
Our little cohort has had a lot of time separate to discover ourselves and our own two feet.
I don't have much to say beyond what the others have said except to suggest that you read back through this current thread when you feel up to it and think about some of what you've written. There are some insights you have talked about that add a lot of depth and colour to your story.
Oh - and of course the obligatory hug ((Coly23))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think it is pretty clear she doesn't have your best interest at heart, whatever her motive. I think the more interesting question is why you met with her given that you had previous bad experience with her. I note that your daughter was upset that you did this because she knew it would not be a good experience for you. What is it that makes your daughter more checked into how this experience would play out for you? Are you listening to your gut, or that little voice inside you? Did you suppress it and go anyway? What can you do to be more present and aware within yourself to help you move along in this journey? Why are you still allowing your emotions to rise and fall with his actions/word of him, etc.?
LA, West, AP and Own. Thank you all so much for kind words. As much as I don't want to admit it but coming here really helped me these last couple of days. I feel so much better now after processing this latest spin, with your help off course!
LA, luckily H doesn't have facebook but a lot of his friends do and although he doesn't ever feature in any of their posts I just feel weird having an insight into their lives and H being connected to them. This friend is hard for me to figure out. She reached out to me last week and said it would be great to get together, always says she wants to see more of me and D but all I can describe it as is that she doesn't have a sensitivity button. She expects everyone to feel the same way as her, be on the same page and everything to be at her pace. It's sooo frustrating!
Hey Westo, you are so right. She is very quick to judge when she doesn't understand what I have and am going through. She actually said to me that it's been so long I shouldn't feel married anymore and laughed because I still wear my wedding ring. I felt so hurt and because she is very black and white with things I really couldn't explain why I continue to stand.
AP, thank you for the hug and right back at ya ((AP)). Your post is very criptic AP! What does it mean???!! Is it in a good or bad way?? I do feel much stronger than I have felt even last month. It is only when I look back to how I was at the beginning of 2017, I realise how much better I am now. Maybe that is what you were trying to say? I just need to stop putting myself into situations that send me back down that slippery slope again!
Hi Own. If is a difficult relationship for me. I am so torn with avoiding her or seeing her every now and again. The reason why is that H and I are godparent's to her two kids so I feel I need to keep the relationship going for them. Also we did have a lot if fun times going on holidays together. Spending Christmas, New Year and other holidays together. It's a lot of history. I think she is just one of those people who can take it or leave it with relationships and expects me to be the same and I'm not like her at all! D did warn me about seeing her and she was right. I should listen to her more!
I agree Own, I am still letting what he does or says affect my emotions. Not as much as it used to but still he does. I think I can handle small amounts of information but it was information overload from my friend so my coping mechanisms went into shutdown! I think in future I need to prep her to not discuss H!
Thanks so much everyone!! Love you all! X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly! Thanks for the visit to my thread and the kind comments. I do love puttering around and building things. Haven't done much with boats lately but I am almost done building a Christmas tree stand out of some scrap lumber and bits and bobs. This year I get a "real tree".
The reason I had suggested you read back in your thread is that there have been a few recent things combined with what you've said over time that seem to gel for me into a picture. I may well be completely wrong though and you are closer to this than I am by a long shot.
From what you've described as your upbringing, your "family of origin" is close, perhaps a bit noisy and very supportive. The sort of family where you can pop around for a cuppa and chat pretty much any time and where you and your sisters know the names and birthdays of everyone.
On your H's side, they seem a lot more distant from each other. Content to lead independent lives and not leaning on others much, being fairly complete in themselves as individuals.
I believe that when two people fall in love that one of the things that they do conciously or unconciously is to "mirror" the person that they love. This mirroring can become part of their identity and you end up with blended family traditions and lifestyles. From the outside - and again I may be way off here - I wonder if your H tried for a long time to mirror the closeness that you showed him, until he couldn't any more. It almost seems like he's reverted to his own original family's mode of relationship where he leads an independent life only interacting with you and your D occasionally and he's fine with that. Because he thinks that's "normal". You don't and I believe that. Most people in our Western cultures don't either I would think.
This might explain why when you try to pull him back into the noisy, happy "normal" of your life that he pulls away.
What you are seeing may not be any sort of "mid-life crisis". It may just be him being the him that he naturally is. I don't know if you are still seeing an IC but this might be a topic to discuss with them. I'm certainly not an expert. It was because this is just my perspective that I was vague in my previous post. I didn't want to colour your thinking with my opinions.
I certainly don't know what advice to give to you beyond what I usually say of being proud of who you are and being true to yourself. And a hug ((Coly23))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
