Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This is the $hit I am challenging you on. I keep asking myself this when I read your posts. I think you deserve so much better!
Your kids are learning life lessons from you. How do you want them to grow up? Strong and confident or weak and unworthy? What kind of role model do you want to be for them?

Thanks, LH. I realize I can do better and deserve better. There's this stupid part of me (Catholic guilt?) that's been telling me I need to eat this sh1t sandwich for the sake of my family (i.e., the kids). I realize that's not healthy.

Like I told Sandi, I worry it's too late for my kids, that I've modeled poor behavior in front of them for too long. I'm not saying this to justify giving up though. It's just where I'm at mentally. I'm going to try to show them to be confident. Finding my own strength has been hard - I have a series of affirmations, and one of them is "I am strong."

I read the "lighthouse" poem or whatever it is weekly and especially when i'm feeling down about what my W and I are doing to our kids. I now have my two boys wanting to stay with me all the time because of my W's actions and that is without knowing of her cheating ways. My d11 and I are like two peas in a pod, I am closer to her than I have ever been.

Thanks for sharing, Dusty. I used to read the lighthouse story, but I honestly never thought of it in terms of my kids. But now that you mention it, it is a good inspiration for being their stability as well. Thanks!

I'm not trying to toot my horn here, I'm just saying use your time wisely and make sure your relationship with your boys is solid, your s14 is at a crucial age, my s13 is hurting more than he is showing, he's struggling in school, seems depressed all the time and stays away from his mom when she's in the house. Talk to your s14 even if he doesn't want to, he needs to know he is safe with you with what he wants to say, be there for him!

Tooting your own horn is permitted S14 is at a rough spot indeed. Struggling in school (failing a class), having a hard time getting to school on time, totally engrossed in games or his phone. Last night, after we had a discussion that resulted in some consequences for him, I told him, "I know you probably think I'm a jerk right now, but I love you." His reply was a very sarcastic "Hmmm. Uh huh." I'll try to keep reaching out to him.