Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times

This statement just jumped out at me. How can you miss those times when your W treated you like cr@p?

Like I said earlier to LH, I don't miss being treated like cr@p, but there were some ok times and even good times in there. It's the family dynamic I mostly miss, not the treatment from STBXW.

It reminds me of when my sister was M to a man who treated her like cr@p. She wanted so badly to have a loving MR, and she would lie to family members and make him sound like Mr. Wonderful. Truth was, he abused her.

I never really lied to family members or tried to cover for STBXW. Her behavior was usually on display for everyone. Shame on me for not standing up for myself more.

Unfortunately, your D is learning how to treat her future H by watching her mom. And, your S is watching you to learn how he is suppose to respond to a bullying W.

I have two sons, S14 and S10, there's no daughter. I'm sure both sons have picked up on the dynamic between me and STBXW, and I'm honestly worried that too much damage has already been done to their view of MR's.

That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.

I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.

These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?

This D is crushing my self esteem. I've done everything I can to stay where I'm at right now. My self esteem is generally pretty low, guilty as charged. That goes back to my childhood.

I believe I can do better. But I do have my faults. I'm not a saint.

This whole way of thinking "what's best for me" is really new to me. My whole life I've always been focused on what I was supposed to do and what's expected of me. This D process is challenging me to take the lead in my life. It's not an easy transition for me, but I realize it's what I have to do.

If you think that she'll get better if you just give it enough time, you need to drop those thoughts immediately. As long as she has mistreated you and not had any consequences for her actions........it's only going to get worse. I don't know that anything could turn her around, but I know a WW won't change as long as she can walk all over you.

My advice is to physically S, ASAP.

I realize she won't "get better" in this given sitch. That's part of the reason I've decided to stop trying to save the M. If she ever did turn around, it might be in several years, but it's such a part of who she is that it probably won't ever happen.

My L has advised me to stay in the home. I wish I could get out. Mediation should be soon. After D, she'll probably be out in less than a day.