She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times
This statement just jumped out at me. How can you miss those times when your W treated you like cr@p?
It reminds me of when my sister was M to a man who treated her like cr@p. She wanted so badly to have a loving MR, and she would lie to family members and make him sound like Mr. Wonderful. Truth was, he abused her.
So, I have to ask myself what in the heck did you miss about it? Sounds to me like you and the kids could have really enjoyed those times if your W had stayed away. Unfortunately, your D is learning how to treat her future H by watching her mom. And, your S is watching you to learn how he is suppose to respond to a bullying W.
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That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.
I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.
These statements concern me, Holding. Your self esteem must be running next to zero for a long time. Why are you choosing to live in these conditions? Do you believe you can't do better?
If you think that she'll get better if you just give it enough time, you need to drop those thoughts immediately. As long as she has mistreated you and not had any consequences for her actions........it's only going to get worse. I don't know that anything could turn her around, but I know a WW won't change as long as she can walk all over you.
My advice is to physically S, ASAP.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
