Thanks J for the tips. I forget where, but recently on someone's thread I saw someone post about the different levels of standing your ground. And on top of that list was being cool and collected and not walking away. It might've been on Tread's or Holding's threads - I'll have to find it, but it was really good advice on how to deal with someone is being a loose cannon. I can't remember who gave the advice either. I'll go dig.
But, I am feeling pretty okay about it all. I can manage it well and having some time to think about it will be useful.
Get your game face on M..........it's been the off season, you have been preparing, working out hard, getting your mind and body right for the new season. Time to put your off season work to use. I feel a triple double coming on. Game time is pain time!
haha yes!!! it's game time for sure. I did put in some hard work during the off season and now it's time for that triple double. I am gonna be cooler than a polar bear's toe nails
I forget where, but recently on someone's thread I saw someone post about the different levels of standing your ground. And on top of that list was being cool and collected and not walking away. It might've been on Tread's or Holding's threads - I'll have to find it, but it was really good advice on how to deal with someone is being a loose cannon. I can't remember who gave the advice either. I'll go dig.
Yes, thank you Holding. And thank you Accuray for breaking it down. I am just copying it here again.
If W is having a temper tantrum the "hierarchy of strength" is as follows:
1) Stay in her presence and maintain your composure. This is the hardest thing to do, therefore it takes the most strength. I heard a talk once where the person asked "if you were at a restaurant with your spouse and you wanted to make them instantly very angry, would you know what to do or say?" For most people the answer is "definitely" -- she knows what buttons to push. (The other half of that was "if you wanted to make them feel loved would you know what to do or say?" and that tends to be more elusive)
Staying in her presence doesn't mean you have to tolerate anything. You can just calmly repeat "I will not engage in conversation with you if you ________. If you want to discuss this calmly, I'm happy to talk to you." Lather, rinse, repeat.
2) Announce to her that you're going to leave the conversation and why (calmly). Then give her a chance to continue the conversation on your terms. If she doesn't abide by your boundaries, then you leave, and explain that you told her what you needed, she didn't do it, and now you're leaving the conversation.
3) Explain to her that you're going to leave the conversation, but don't give her a chance to correct her behavior, just leave.
4) Leave the conversation without explaining to her why you're doing it.
5) Let her get your emotions up and lose your temper.
Evaluate where you are on the spectrum -- if you're at 3 or 4, don't try to just shoot for 1 because chances are you won't be able to do it. Just try to go one notch up the scale until that feels comfortable, and then try to go one more notch up. Be patient with yourself, changing behavior is very hard and takes time and repetition, but eventually it becomes automatic
My son got in trouble at school today. Just got called by the Principal and we had a good chat. My son is going through separation anxiety and it's killing me right now how this is impacting him.
I am so pissed off. I am going to call and cancel the meet with W this weekend because I will not have a convo with her when children are around. I don't want them to accidentally overhear anything, even if it's calm and collected.
When $hit like this hits the fan for my kids, I have no desire to want anything from W. I don't know if I can let go of my anger for this particular piece. I have let go of my anger for what W did as BD and everything else, but this I just can't do it. Thinking about recon makes me want to puke right now. What a f****n disaster this is. Absolute garbage.
Thanks J. When it comes to how my kids are dealing with this and the $hitstorm because of the separation, I just want nothing to do with W anymore. The level of selfishness on her part is just destroying any piece of me that hopes for a recon. I just feel like it's better for me to just move on and make sure that my kids are okay.
I am not doing DB for a recon, but I can't ignore the impact it's having on my kids, which then erodes any level of respect that I have for W.
My chat with the Principal was really good. She was very understanding. She asked my son what he was feeling and he said "I am sad because my family is breaking up". When the Principal told me that, I just wanted to about die. The hurt that he's going through is killing me inside.
I spoke with him this evening and he told me the same. He said that W told him last night that her and I were breaking up. She said that in response to something he asked her about living in two separate homes.
Man, that kid is weathering so much. I just gave him so much love tonight and we talked about our feelings and that it's okay to express them. I told him that we're going to have Dad and kids 'RealTalk' every night where we can share our feelings that we experienced during the day. And then I gave him examples of being happy, tired, sad, annoyed, joyful etc. Boys tend to bottle stuff up from an early age and I just want to break that right now because he's in such a difficult position.
So, we're going to do RealTalk every night. This has given me even more motivation to be the bestest Dad that I can be for him. So, my personal goals are now not just about my self, but so that I am around long enough for my kids. Particularly my health goals - I am going to make sure that I don't die of a heart attack or something like that and that I am around for long enough for them. They need me to be there for them.
This has lit a fire under my a$$ and I am going to work the hell outta my goals. I feel no desire towards W at this point and I just want to move on. I am going to cancel our chat for this weekend because I just don't care to do anything outside co-parenting and she can just deal with her own issues like I have been dealing with mine.
Dude....so sorry to hear this. I know it is tearing you up. Was he able to share anything with you? Did you speak to your W about what happened at school today? Does she know? You are doing the right things, I know it is awful but be proud of yourself! You're being a great dad! I know you know this just make sure you stay positive to him about his mom.
