Any advice 4

[gw5263]

Sandi, I agree with you again. I am at a really low point right now and I guess I’m grasping at straws to explain every little new detail that tears it’s ugly head. To be completely honest, I think I’m looking for any reason not to file for the D. I know deep down that this is what must be done. Just trying in my mind to justify not doing it. Before I came to the board she put me through a month of mental hell just so I’d lay down and not make waves until she could fly down and play house. Then all the threats of taking the kids and making me a summer dad. I allowed myself to be played and manipulatednlike a fool. I have done 180s and tried to GAL the best I could given my work schedule and this in house separation. You were absolutely correct early on when you said in house was a living hell. It truly is. Had I known better I would have stayed out and let her flounder, but her ruthless self knew to play the kid card. I’m quickly reaching a point where none of this matters anymore. I used to try and get home as soon as I got off hoping it would stop contact, or that my mere presence would make a difference since he’s so far away. I read and re read into every subtle clue I saw, real or imagined , looking for hope where none truly existed. And she always knew just what to say to push that dagger farther in. I asked for advice, agreed with it, and did the exact opposite because I let emotion get in my way and cloud my judgement. And yes, a medical explanation for allnthis mess would be easier to accept than the truth, but thankfully I’m not that far gone yet. You are correct, it is what is is. She is a wayward, a truly ruthless self centered all about her to hell with the rest wayward. She actually showed what she is in a post—-“the woman you are becoming will cost you people, places, material things, spaces, and relationships. Choose her over everything” . So you are right , I was and to a point still am weak. If I have a shred of care left I need to go back to the post I did a couple of weeks ago and look at what that angry fed up me said and follow thru or just throw in the towel and move on. Enough wallowing and justifying. This whole thing has exhausted me mentally and has exacted a high price on my life. I’m letting go and moving on with me. She can figure her out. If it works out it works out. I can’t push this car uphill anymore. I will continue to 180 and work harder to GAL, but I think right now that filing will have a big impact on everything and it’s time... may not have to follow thru with it but it’s time. I’m sorry I’m all over the place and have wasted so much time and energy, most of all I’m sorry to have gotten so much good advice and not heeded most of it.