So my wife and I have been together for 10 years. We have three children. She wants a divorce and I don't. So it has led to a lot of fighting lately. I would really like to end the fighting. I have changed the things she originally complained about. She doesn't seem to care.
This morning she asked to take my car for work. She said she wouldn't be home so I told her no. Which led to more fighting of course. So if I do what she wants she gets angry. If I leave her alone she gets angry. When I enforce boundaries she gets angry.
At this point I have no idea what to think. Part of me believes it is an affair. Another part thinks she is genuinely unhappy and just blaming me.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So sorry to hear about your unhappy situation. More and more we are learning how many women actually bully their H. The use their moods and fits of anger to control the H. He wants peace, so he tries to go along with as much as he can.
If you have told her you don't want a divorce, or if you are not cooperating in getting one.......then she is going to make your life miserable. That's what a W does to a H she controls. Look at the name of your thread and the content of your first post. You did not ask for help to save your M. You asked how to stop the fighting. That tells me it must be at a level that is beating you down mentally and emotionally........which will affect you physically. The sad fact is that's what it's designed to do.
May I ask if this anger she is displaying something new, or has she always had it......but the intensity has increased lately? Was it after she let you know she wants a D?
You mentioned boundaries. Can you tell us more about what those boundaries are and how you enforce them if she does not honor them?
If you learn that she is involved with another man, is that a deal breaker?
The more marital history you can share with us, the more we will see the story. Please post often. The more you post, the more activity you'll have on your thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As to what I have done to remedy those. I started reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. That way when she would speak I could understand where she was coming from. Unfortunately that seem to make things worse.
I have started seeing an hypno-therapist about the drinking. I used to drink to not deal with my emotional problems and I would check out. I don't do that anymore. So now I am an emotional wreck.
On the money thing I let her start making the decisions about how the money was spent and paying the bills. It was still my money but I let her actually pay the bills.
The kids thing we now have a schedule for our weekends. We do chores in the morning, activity then lunch and then another family activity while she is at work. Still get burned out and yell at them sometimes but working on it.
Not caring about what she wants we are at an impasse. I would give her anything in the world but the divorce. I don't mind changing just I can't be the only one. I realize that while I made my mistakes so does she.
Not trusting her / friends has a lot to do with the 3 affairs. I couldn't cope with the affairs and past issues so I drank to deal with it. Plus I felt that I couldn't trust her not to do it again. Now if she wants to leave I don't question her about it beyond normal questions. Such as what time where are you going and when will you be home.
She's had three affairs and complains you don't trust her!?
Do I understand correctly that your W works and are a stay at home dad? If so, what does she mean by not spending enough time with the kids? What are their ages?
Are you guilty of mishandling the money so badly you have put yourself into a lot of unnecessary debt? Do you have any sources of income besides your W payroll?
Do you see yourself as controlling?
Tell us about her three affairs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It sounds like these problems have been going on for a long time. There may be no quick fix, but if your wife hasn't actually filed for divorce or moved out then hopefully you're still in a good position to avoid divorce. It sounds like you started working on improving yourself. If you stopped drinking and are handling money better those are two important steps. Some of the other stuff though doesn't sound fair to you, such as your wife having had three affairs and then being angry at you. It seems for such a complicated situation it will require external help such as marriage counseling, a church pastor, or something or someone to make sure each of you are treating each other fairly. Sometimes when it's just the two of you bottled up inside your house it's almost impossible to get past the anger and resentment. My impression is that someone else needs to be involved as a referee if your wife would agree to that. I don't see why she wouldn't want to save the marriage if you're showing effort and if you have three children together. Hopefully you'll share more details about your situation so we can comment more!
No I work and now she works as well. She meant on weekends that I didn't do enough with them. We would do an activity then I would play a video game with some of my online friends.
Yes I am horrible with money. For the longest time I was the sole provider even now she works I still pay all of the bills. Personally I would love for her to take over the budget. I am on the impulsive side especially when doing things for her or the kids.
I don't feel overly controlling. But I could see where people would get that impression, I am the always moving and doing something type. We have three children and there is always something that hasn't been done.
First affair was after our son was born. She said it was due to postpartum depression and I wasn't doing enough to help her.
Second affair happened during her AT for the Navy. It was right after her grandparents had died. Again I wasn't there emotionally for her. I know it was her choice but it still hurts.
Third Affair was strictly emotional and online. I found out about shortly after we actually had gotten married. She said it was because I spent to much time with one of my friends.
So we have been together 10 years and only married 3 and half now.
Yes the fact I don't trust her makes her angry. She always tells me it in the past and too let it go. Even though she gets mad at me and tells me how I am not a man and drunk.
The lack of meaningful communication has been an ongoing issue. She hasn't filed for divorced or moved out. But that is strictly financial. We agreed we should wait until after her military deployment to actually file for divorce.
We had a marriage counselor. She didn't want to go back and I thought she was largely useless. After being told it is understandable she would have affairs if I had been drinking. She also said I should understand the marriage is over and get my own place then pay bills for my wife the children and her brother.
Needless to say she would have been fired anyway. My wife likes to reiterate I am not throwing you out. If I leave it is my choice.
