MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

Job,

Thank you for taking the time to stop and write some lovely words of encouragement.

I see when you say some day the pain will not be so great. Even just 4 months later, I am fighting to get back up much more quickly than even 2 months ago. It is still a battle and one that I wish I never had to experience, but I hope I will be stronger and better off when I come out the other side. I say when, because I know I will. I have had other significant R's that were not great and I landed on my feet, I just thought this one was different. And as much as I want H to be strong enough to one day realize the pain and make amends, the idea makes me resentful. Why then? Why when I've moved on and no longer want this R? Why not before when I would have been willing to work on it and move forward together? I know this is assuming he ever has that realization, but my last 2 significant R's it's happened that way. I tried and tried and when I gave up, they came back. I can't stand the idea of H, who was supposed to be so different, doing the same.

I am trying my best, I really am. I no longer cry everyday, but I do cry. I just work to pick myself up and move forward. I am having more better days now and I am encouraged by that, but so don't look foward to those bad days when they come. I am finding my way through this new normal of being single and alone. My sister's baby shower this weekend, I saw myself simply hiding. I couldn't bear the thought of someone asking where was H (co-ed shower) and me having to lie again. Or most would see this as not a bad problem, but having someone compliment me on my weight loss. I put on about 25 lbs. throughout our R and since I'm just a bit over 5 ft, it showed. Since BD, I have lost about 20 lbs. and it also shows. I've had so many questions on how I've done it and how great I look. If they only knew! Don't get me wrong, ultimately I'm happy to have dropped the weight, but I'm just as embarrassed at the why.

Your words are a part of what gets us newbies to the other side and I appreciate that dearly. It's why after being gone for a couple of weeks, I come back and feel such a release. Thank you again job. I can't say your words mean more than you know, becuase you do know, but just thank you.