I have not been on the boards much. While I wasn't avoiding posting before, perhaps now I am. ... I appreciate people's feedback, but this is mostly a population of people that 1. have been burned and may project feelings about that, 2. want to save their M. (I get it, those were both me). My M is at a complete standstill right now, and it is by my choosing. I have communicated that to H. I don't have the desire or energy to work on things right now. While I know it cannot stay this way, right now it feels safe. Since I have taken the pressure off myself to keep working on it, working on forgiveness, etc, I actually feel better. It is a very welcomed relief. When H came back, I was so desperate and weak--I wasn't thinking clearly--I just needed and wanted the safety of him. I want to make the decision from a place of strength and confidence. I feel that I haven't done that yet.
The last few months, I have focused more on myself, my own health and happiness, and I am starting to see H through a different lens. I don't mean that I see him more positive or more negative, I mean that I am more shifting my perspective away from only thinking that I need him. I haven't really given myself permission to let go. I haven't entertained the idea that I may not want this M to work and I may not want to be with him. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least explore this. While I completely understand that As happen, and that he is remorseful and regretful, I also still do not want this in my history. Something about it still feels very wrong and unnatural for me.
And then there is OM. I am not sure what to say about him and that R because it's quite unclear. Am I having an A? Maybe. I guess it depends on who you ask and how you define it. Does he consume my thoughts? No. Am I in a "fog" or imagining it is something better? No. Am I leaving my H for another man? No. Not at all. My R with him is what it is and I am just allowing it to be more information. It is another piece in the puzzle. It's not as if I think he would be a better match for me, or that I think I know him all that well. I actually don't think that at all and if anything my H brings so much more to the table. I get that.
I honestly don't feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty. Should I? Maybe. But I don't. I am also not interested in 2*4s. If anything, it is helping me understand how easily A's can happen. So if you want to comment and I can respect your POV, go ahead. If you want to lecture me or project your own issues on here, please don't waste your time. It won't make a difference and I can't take that seriously anyhow. We each need to learn as we go and in our own ways. I just wanted to update because I have not been posting or checking here much lately. I will be back later. Hope you all are well.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
