Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 6

[Holding]

Thanks for the link, Sandi. I'll have to check that out.

So I had a good GAL weekend - took S14 on a youth hunt Friday through Sunday. We had a really good time and he got a buck! This was my first time hunting (my dad was not an outdoorsman). It was a great experience, and I tried to spend the time just talking with S14 about his interests. We didn't talk about the D at all. There was no cell service out where we were, so I had a few days free from STBXW's influence. It was nice.

Laying in my sleeping bag Friday night before the hunt, I did have a few rough moments remembering all the past times I've camped with STBXW and the boys. She treated me like cr@p, but I still miss those times.

Anyway, yesterday she was on the phone in the living room and I heard her mention that she's planning to get plastic surgery next August. I've known this was something she wanted after she lost her weight, so it wasn't a real surprise. She asked the person on the phone (one of her girlfriends I believe) if they would take care of her after the surgery. Then she said something like, "Yeah, I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this for me."

That got me thinking again, what if there is no OM? What if having no one is preferable to having me? That thought hurt. Being dumped because someone better (in her eyes) came along is one thing. But being dumped because she just can't stand me any more and would prefer solitude, that hurts.

I wonder if I've tried to convince myself there's an OM to lessen the pain. I wonder if she's trying to get me to think there's no OM, and I'm falling into her trap.

Regardless, she's a selfish and shallow person. Every exchange I have with her (which are almost all text and email now) is filled with her bitterness, snark, and anger.

Living in this in-house separation makes it so hard to get away from her mental cloud. No matter what GAL and work I do for myself, I still have to come back home and see her in the house.

Advice is welcome.