Thanks Matrix for bringing me back to the ground after me whirling around close to the sun.
Oddly, I feel really calm and okay about it today. I just thought of my goals and what I am doing and it gave me a great boost. Also, I bumped Rage Against The Machine really loud while driving to work, so that helped lol.
I get your point about not giving to her straight. I just need to think about what I could bring up to talk about if she asks me 'what do you want to talk about'. She's always done that since BD and I am sensing it is because she's also afraid of bringing things up.
There's tons of stuff that I can bring up:
- Bad communication - Poor sex life - Her possible EA - Avoiding conflict - My depression and how it affected things - Me being NGS and not wanting to rock the boat
I know she will rage at me a bit no matter what we talk about and I am okay with that. In the past I would just want it to all go away and end the conflict, but I feel like I am in a place where I can be strong and confident and let her unload without going nuts on her.
I will re-read the validation cheat sheet and really prepare myself for that and make it natural as possible.
I don't want to throw truth bombs at her, but she wants to see some real vulnerability from me. I can give her that and tell her how I have felt about certain things without saying 'you did this'.
I am not trying to rehearse, but I want to have a loose game plan so that I don't veer off course and I have some things that I can say.
So Matrix, I can do it no doubt. I am glad I bought myself a few days so that I could prepare myself mentally and emotionally.
Main thing you mentioned that is important for me is to slow it down and not ramble. I have the tendency to ramble at times and I definitely don't want to do that.
The thing is, I have owned up to my failures, but maybe not in a very detailed way. She hasn't expressed any apologies for anything she's done. Only said she knows that it wasn't all me. I would need her to own up to her $hit, but it doesn't have to be this talk.
I guess my main goal is to show her that I can provide a safe space for her to say whatever she wants to say and remain strong, calm, confident, and not be a doormat. I am not going to keep apologizing over and over again.
So, any tips on what to say to start a conversation would be appreciated. I can joke around and talk about small stuff in the beginning no problem.
Thanks folks. It looks like I am getting to the worst part of the process before it can get any better.
