Okay! Had a phone convo with W and I don't know what to make of it. So, I'll post the highlights here and people can give me their take. I'll clarify if I haven't explained well.
So I was out picking up some furniture and W called me to talk. She was mad about something I had emailed her a while ago about finances and I guess it triggered some of the stuff she's been angry about.
She started the call with saying that this has been on her mind for a few weeks and she just wanted to call and let me know. She basically let me have it for a few minutes about the financial issue and I validated what she was saying.
However, this took a different turn. I don't completely suck at validation, but she told me that I haven't been real with her at all and that all this stuff that I am saying is just trying to placate her and tell her what she wants to hear. I was saying stuff like "I understand you feel this way"; "I am sorry that is upsetting you"; "It sounds like you are angry about this" etc etc.
She was having none of it. She said that it sounds like the past where I don't tell her how I really feel and just acknowledge things. I told her that I am being real and I am not trying to placate her.
It then went into her saying how I've never expressed how I have felt and that saying that things are good. I've never told her that I am angry, sad, etc etc. To which I said of course I have, but I am not going to throw around things and yell and whatever.
Some of the other main things she said:
"If you want to talk about something why don't you initiate it" "I never said that I wanted you to give me space" "I said no to marriage counseling because I can't commit to saving the marriage" "I am really angry and I have to figure out a way to work it out somehow" "I need you to be real with me and if something is on your mind I need you to talk to me about it"
Some of my responses:
"of course there are things that I want to talk about" "you asked for a separation which I understood as you wanting to have your own space and time away from me" "of course I am angry about so many things" "I can respect that you don't want to go to MC"
OKAY! So I have NO idea WTF is going on. We agreed to meet this Saturday to talk about 'us'. I don't even know where to start. And before anyone says that let her start and keep talking, I am going to tell you that she's going to upfront ask me what I want to talk about. Through DBing, I have been very good at not having R talks since the last time I had a big convo with her almost 2 months back.
But, now this. I don't know what to do because obviously there are things that I can get into, but I'd rather have her unload on me and I'll figure out a way to deal with it. I dunno.
I could just hear the anger in her voice and she becomes very emotional and weepy and that was her on the phone most of the time. She wanted me to come over to talk tonight but I declined and said that I was in the middle of something and maybe the weekend would be best. She agreed and we're talking this weekend.
I know she will be angry during the conversation and I don't feel any inclination to just be a doormat and take it. She hates it when I validate her and so I am going to stray away from that as much as possible, but throw in a few here and there. It's going to be a high conflict situation and I feel like anything I say is going to be me defending myself. I want to acknowledge the parts where I failed in the MR, but there is tons of [censored] she messed up too.
I bought myself a week to think about it and how to approach it. Also get some advice from the board.
I want to stand up for myself and not just take a $hit sandwich.
