25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

PS

though I have a date with G this weekend, which I said yes to awhile back, it's M that I think of a lot.

("L" is a Stella got her groove back" guy whom I wish I'm acted upon back then b/c now M is in the picture and things change).

So M told me a lot of feelings and one of them is that as he has left his 28 year m and 4 years of celibacy (I won't disparage his exwife -but it was at her end, and he had to use the guest room. I will explore this more as it relates to US, but in person).

he greatly values intimacy and wants it to mean a lot etc. I did not expect this remark.

He wants us to know each other well first, to be in person and take hikes and then start dance class lessons for us to see how we fit and work and learn together.

I'm not sure where the intimacy comes in there^^ but I want to know if he's a low sex drive person. I don't THINK he is but I need to get it out there.

Not sure how. I could just blurt it out (TA DAH! ZING!!)

I'm an extrovert and he's not. He's working on that b/c I told him that putting it out there is not something I am used to in the sense that I'm used to being pursued. It has been a long time granted, but I still go back to what I knew way back when,

And I don't want to put off a man who is used to doing the pursuing. But M is cerebral and deep, but sings and has a certain thoughtful sensitive approach to things and how he says them, that I appreciate.

I don't mean to be reactive, but I so appreciate the way he gives a compliment, like he puts thought into it and it's NOT about how attractive I am TO HIM, but that I give off a unique vibe of "joie de vivre he finds very appealing".

Now that, my friends, is a compliment for 25.

AND yes I can see that the$h1tstorm I'm in makes going to M appealing but I'm NOT.

I'm licking my wounds and job hunting and praying for a good outcome for court and for my kids.

And won't even see M for days. I will rescue myself from my hole. Or at least not use a man to do it.


What meeting other men does for me these days, however, is remind me that all the good things I once thought/knew I was, which were whittled away by the past 2 years of my life,

are things I am again believing about myself.

Not saying that = great recipe for a serious r, or marriage etc.

But sometimes maybe dating a little - always honestly - helps us heal.

IF IF IF it is done too soon, it'll do the opposite.

There is a dichotomy inherent in this.

On one hand, we have an armor around us and if someone new hurts us, we worry our armor is really just glass and that it will shatter.

OTOH,

I'm almost afraid to say this but - I don't see how another man can hurt me the way h has and I won't be investing 35 years and 3 kids and MANY moves for another man,

and I feel like forged steel. I will again give love freely, and if it's not returned in kind, I'll move along.

I love God more these days and rely on Him more, but the sensuality I feel within has to come from Him.

It's not a procreative urge (or if it is, it's literally divine) it's a unitive desire. Surely God gave that to me for a good and loving reason.

Well, here's to a loving Monday my friends. Wish me well today.


As for my dear brother J-, he's off to Sloan Kettering or a 3rd opinion to see if the whole kidney must go and what the heck is going on with the other kidney.

Naturally, I have drafter a proposed list of likely donors (siblings are best due to DNA matches and brothers slightly better matches).

Starting with brothers:

Ruled out the "off the grid/treated by shamans only" brother, who "refuses to use western medicine", though God bless him for volunteering,

Ruled out the Asperger's brother, for the obvious fears Asperger's "juice" could spill over;

possibly ruled IN the slothful brother - with the assumption his liver has been working so hard all these years that his kidneys are RELAXED and relatively unused,

should rule out the healthiest other brother with the terminally ill wife, -- for reasons obvious to all, (except the Asperger's brother, who forgot she was sick).

As for the sisters, we each stepped up to volunteer. Heaviest sister wants to know if it will count as weight loss;

but we have his back.

This brother of mine, this J, got a continuance during trial last year in order to spend the night with me in the hospital and give my sisters a break.

Heck yeah I'd give him a kidney.