A fresh start? (probably not!)

[hoosjim]

CW2017. Not sure what you have and have not told your W that you know, yet but, two thoughts based on my own experience and the insights I have read here on WWs, primarily from Sandi2:

1) Once your WW "knows you know" you need to move quickly, in fact, immediately, to confront or act in some respect. The way a woman's mind is wired is such that she is unable to "love" a man she does not respect, and that she can't respect a man who would knowingly let her run around with another man. I, myself, botched this whole dynamic and did NOT move quickly to establish and enforce firm boundaries in this regard, and it both a) let the affair develop to a stronger relationahip than might otherwise have happened and b) put me on a much more uncertain, complicated and limbo-like footing with my W, which I am only now (hopefully) starting to unravel. Lots of good stuff in the sticky threads on setting boundaries, etc, and also, obviously, in Sandi2s threads

2) On confrontation and revelation, I know opinions vary widely here on that, and I know that there are so many variables and moving parts and possible outcomes and impacts (the OM here is married, yes, and also your wife's boss?) that is impossible to give anyone advice. I will only say this: The OM in my case was NOT married and I had virtually no exposure leverage as a result. My own personal opinion is that where the OM/OW is married, that a) their spouse has a right to know what dirtbag they are married to and b) you can potentially help your own sitch immensely (POTENTIALLY mind you) by revealing the A to the OM's spouse. This gets the A "out of the dark" and makes it substantially less secret and "exciting" to the participants, and also brings pressure to bear on the OM to end the A-- not that ending the A is ever a cure-all, BUT... it is certainly a necessary component to any reconciliation with your spouse.

I myself wish that I had taken a stronger stand earlier in my own sitch, and also that I had had some leverage over OM, particularly that he had been married. The A in my case was much less involved early on, and, had it been brought to an end shortly after I found out about it, my W and I both may very well have been (and in fact very probably would have been) able to be much further down the road towards resolution of our own marital issues... whatever that resolution may ultimately be. But no kind of resolution can happen or, in all honesty, even begin to happen until the A is OVER

[CW2017]

Hi Jim
there was essentially a 6 month gap between confrontation 1 and 2, this time period involving almost unbearable pain (esp as I was message monitoring) but I could not involve her family primarily because of her mother living with us who is in quite poor health. The second time around I used the ruse of her talking in her sleep (not true!) which allowed the floodgates to fall so she never had an inkling of my knowing especially she thought she had previously headed me off at the pass back in January. At the moment, because she agreed so rapidly to MC and because on the surface we seemed to have made so much progress in getting everything out in the open during 10 individual and joint sessions, again we appear to be "back to normal" and closer than ever but little things, such as an encrypted area on her phone, would suggest otherwise (and of course the messaging of OM a week ago on her big night out).

In hindsight yes of course I wish I had confronted a second time a lot quicker but the limbo seemed to be a quicker period of time than it actually was. Also because there has never been any nastiness as such (due to her being on her best behaviour and/or guilt?) I guess (in classic Nice Guy mode) I wished to preserve the status quo not least because of DD. It will all play out as an endgame in the end but at the very least we are incredibly close now (within the double life format!)

[CW2017]

Hi all
have really been enjoying the threads over the weekend. The way all the guys and gals have been supporting everyone has been a revelation. For those who sometimes can not see an end in sight if I trace my timeline from this year I see how the healing actually kicks in (not that I am out of the woods by a long shot yet and have no idea what my endgame will be).

January BD, confrontation 1 (largely evasive)
January/February tailspin, no sleep, prescribed antidepressants (start checking phone records as I know the login as we set it up together)
March am able to access cell messages (just to gauge extent of EA, turning out to have overtones of PA without going "full")
April/May "surviving", friends are amazed how stoic I am being, although I am only still around because of my D, although clearly the domestic setup is unusual with the mother-in-law also being here, sleep now improving
June confrontation 2, threaten D, W sort of "collapses", I demand in an ideal world she quits job, but we know reality of UK jobs situaton (but that reluctance to leave job of course speaks volumes), W spends 2 weeks expressing "remorse". Lawyer advises checking cell messages once more, these show how scared she was
July/August begin to feel chilled, have 20th anniversary party, fantastic holiday with family (alhough gut tells me something still ain't right, secure folder activated in phone)
September really chilled so much so I decide to let them get on with it, if still on, until denoument
October yep, it's still on (based on quick check of instant messaging, no cell messsages -not going there- to whatever extent, hell I ain't checking no more), W working later and later. But I feel fine (thank you mindfulness, etc.)

so there we are, the long game is the family survives this or the final curtain falls due to a monumental slipup on my W's part but I will be fine, I'm sure

so that's 10 months of my life....

[Tread]

CW,

Just curious on how you were able tobse the actual text messages? Typically I just know the times and dates the calls were made. Also how are you able to see the instant messaging?

[CW2017]

With the text messaging there is an online version for this particular UK provider and I sort of "encouraged" my W to open an account. With the IM as stated in an earlier message here I took advantage of her inebriation a couple of weeks back (she had forgotten to delete the messages) although have not touched the phone since

[CW2017]

Hi all
not expecting anyone to reacquaint themselves with my sitch as such but instead am asking for any general advice on how to approach certain unpleasant first anniversaries. My first one will be my W having her works Christmas party on exactly the same Friday as last year when she got "acquainted" with OM. And of course BD is coming up on 01/03. The caveat here of course is that we are still living together with a seemingly "normal" life (or at least that's what she thinks I'm thinking!).

thanks in advance

[NicoleR]

CW,

That's a crazy year. I also remember the 'anniversaries' of events related to my husband's affairs. There doesn't seem to be much benefit in pointing them out to your wife, or in discussing them with her, but perhaps you can have your own private ceremony where you burn / wash away a piece of paper with the event recorded and your thoughts about the matter. Then you can do something to celebrate the progress that's been made together with your wife. Or perhaps just take a long walk on those days and think. Those memories are still fresh in your mind but hopefully in another year or two they will start to affect you slightly less if everything goes well with your wife. I wish you the best and hope you'll never have to go through anything like that again!

[CW2017]

Thanks Nicole
Think in addition to that I might adopt a mindfulness method in that I could process all the negative thoughts and then let them go

[doodler]

...am asking for any general advice on how to approach certain unpleasant first anniversaries.

CW2017,

Any meaning that you attach to the anniversary of any given event is purely in your own mind. Why do you feel, or expect to feel, particularly sad on the day the particular event happened one year later?

Do you feel a deeper sense of sadness ten months and five days after the event? Probably not. Why? Because you're not thinking about and focusing on how sad it will be on that particular day. We're all condition to attach significance to things on an annual basis, but all it means is that our planet has gone around the sun one more time. Any significance of a past event on a given day is purely the result of our own cognitive processes.

In other words, stop ruminating the past and get on with life. You know the lyrics...

In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now

[Gordie]

Agree—why focus on these negative anniversaries? If you can’t erase it from your mind, why not create a new memory? The first time I went skydiving or something.