By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Happy fall everyone! I love that it is cooling down now. I have not been on the boards in a while but I do lurk around once in a while to check up on you guys.

Not a whole lot to update. H seems to consider me a friend again instead of the enemy. I really do feel he has made some progress in knowing I am not out to get him and I have to say he seems pretty happy. I know they can put on masks but I sense a change in him. He doesn't seem so exhausted or stressed, he seems much more relaxed during drop off and pick up with S and is always friendly with me.

He went through a period of asking over and over to take S and I to a new fancy steak house that opened in town. I really didn't want to go with him and S hates eating out so I passed a few times. Then, funny enough, I went for a birthday dinner for a friend. When I mentioned it while dropping off S with him, he actually asked to go! Lol The birthday friend was one of the friends H dropped so he said he would rather not have him there. Understood and agreed! Anyway, H insisted to still take S and I out to dinner sometime. He said he hadn't had a good steak in a long time. I just kept wondering, doesn't he have anyone else to take?? Where are all his friends now?? We finally went and it was,,,,,,boring. I found it a bit awkward, digging for things to talk about, and even the food wasn't as good as normal. I think it was the company, it's just not the same. But of course S and I thanked him for a nice meal. Oh and I mentioned the boat deck was gone from the backyard and hoped he had taken it and it wasn't stolen? He turned white, stammered a bit, but yes he took it. He actually seemed embarrassed about it.

One night at drop off, the day after the Vegas shootings, S and I just got out of my truck and S came out asking us, guess what he got? He was hiding it behind his back, and I know that look on his face, so right away I told S, it's a weapon. We both jumped behind my truck as H pulls out this machine gun looking thing and starts shooting at us! I yelled at him to stop it. Meanwhile, my Windows were down a crack and sure enough a pellet passed through 2 open windows and shot me in the chin. Not knowing what just hit me, I was furious. I can't even describe how angry, mortified and frustrated I felt. H realised what happened and ran over apologising. He explained they are just gel pellets filled with water. I kept my cool, with S by my side, and scolded H to never ever come out of your house shooting anything like that again. He knows better! I still can't believe he did that! A week later I guess his mom was over and he was showing her his new toy and told her about what happened, apparently she grabbed the gun and shot him. He said it hurt. Ha!

H has been doing a lot of reminiscing. He sends me pics and videos of S and us when he was little. He even made me a CD. As much as I love those memories and times, they also are a painful reminder that we are no longer that family and of how S now has to live his life.

So, where do I see H 4 years post B day?
Still very self absorbed. All talk is always about him.
Still very juvenile mentality. He continues to decorate the outside of his man pad with manly signs, flags, targets and toys.
He seems to have gotten work under control, doesn't seem so stressed.
He seems to very much want a friendship with me.
He rarely gives up any of his time with S and is always open to having him more if needed, but seems to just hang out with him. He doesn't help much with staying on top of school projects or events, buying S clothes or shoes, taking him for haircuts...all that remains my responsibility. Seems he loves having S, but few responsibilities. However he never misses an award ceremony, conference or an open house and will help with anything we ask him to.

Seems to be very happy with his space and himself. I see or hear no sign of remorse or regret for anything that has happened between us.

On to me! I am doing great. I tried the dating thing and have learned that I don't have the time or energy for it and totally accept that in myself. I am 100% sure that all I want right now is to be a mom. And I am Damn good at it! My time will come once S is older to travel, date and explore new things. Right now I am swamped with S, school, work, pets, friends and keeping up my home. And I am OK with that. Rarely am I bored or lonely. I also make sure to take care of and pamper myself with healthy eating, exercise, yoga and a good movie!

I finally took the step to update my kitchen countertops. I love it! I continue to give H any house bills and he pays half with no squabble. I always include him in designs and decisions but he pretty much has let me run with it, which I appreciate.

Life is far from perfect though. I still spin from time to time. I still feel anger every time I have to shuffle S back and forth. I have not forgiven H for his choices. But I have to say, overall, I think H and I are happier these days and that has to be good for S, right? I have a co-worker that is super close with her ex husband. They agreed on doing family trips after the divorce, for the kids, and continue to do so years and years later. They talk all the time and are good friends. It is exactly how I see H and I now and in the future.

Me 4 years post Bday:
Much better acquainted with who I am.
A better mom than ever.
More focused and organized than ever.
WAY less stressed or overwhelmed.
Closer with my S than ever.
Closer with my friends.
Appreciate things on a daily basis.
Kinder and more patient than ever.
Accepting that my marriage is over.
Accepting that H remains a part of my life for my S.
Still have anger and resentments, have not forgiven, but accept things for what they are.
Proud of H and I for both contributing to the amazing little person our son has become.

This experience has me seeing the man I fell in love with in a very different light, along with realizing the traits that are so important to me. A real man is not defined by a title or paycheck. He is a man with integrity, good character and values. He is a fighter, strong and dependable. He unfortunately is not my H and I finally see and accept that. MLC, true colors, or maybe a mix of both. I truly believe we could have gotten through this and been closer then ever. He did not choose that, he chose to put himself first instead of his home, family and marriage. Can I ever understand or get past that? Probably not, but I can accept he made his choice and make the best of it. I can be proud that we are at least able to team up as parents for our S and I hope that never changes.

I hope my post finds you all doing well. I know this is not an easy thing to go through, but the other side does not have to be a bad thing. It is all in perception, in taking the focus from them to you. Feel strong and proud you believed in and stood for your marriage! But also accept that you can't control the outcome. However, you can control YOU and your outcome. Be that person you admire and feel proud of. You can do it

Love you guys! Xxoo
M