WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

Did she come away from the session with her counselor feeling any differently about herself......or was she given any tools? Has she ever talked with a Priest about it?

That's a tough nut to crack. Counselor got her to open up some in joint sessions, told my W that she (W) seems to be "putting a lot of pressure on herself" with that line of thinking, and that there are things that are "Bad" in and of themselves (like murder, rape, marital infidelity) and things that other people (like parents friends or loved ones) might not necessarily agree with or like, but which were not necessarily "bad" (one example counselor used her was that my wife sometimes likes to dress "sexy" (not necessarily trashy, but showing herself off) but that she often didn't because she felt parents wouldn't approve (yes, even after we were married) or that others might think less of her or judge her as not being that "nice proper girl" that everyone thought she was and should be. She also offered my wife availability as an IC any time she wanted, and W seemed very interested... but hasn't followed up (that was three weeks ago.) Several people, including me, have had similar conversations with W in past, but hasnt made much of a difference.

Ditto with the body image. Seems like only thing that will make her "happy' there is "losing 10-15 pounds", but she's a knockout as is.

I am anxious to hear how she acts when she comes back from her overnight trip.

Unless she has REALLY upped her cheating game (always a possibility as her bff is a frikking pro), she passed. Slight concern as the third wheel to her and bff was not my wife's other gf who is definitely more respectable than bff (though still single and divorced and somewhat jaded about men) and who is usually the third in the troika, but rather another friend of bff who is not really close with my W but who IS part of the circle that hangs out from time to time with OM. So quite probable that that topic (OM) came up. She texted me and both boys in a way she had done in the past when she was feeling guilty and about to or coming back from seeing OM but... she has also done that just when missing boys or when guilty about other things (which she could feel knowing how i feel about bff-- and fwiw i did not grouse, complain, or look angry when she left, just hugged her and said "have a good time, see you tomorrow, I'll be out with my buddies at _________ if you need to get ahold of me.") And I did throw up some tracking surveillance on her in addition to her phone tracking, because, well, this was always the dynamic that was the most likely to see some sort of slippage. To all appearances, she did what she said she was going to do-- had dinner with bff and then went back to bff's house. suppose she could have ditched phone and been picked up by OM for rendezvous but... 1) She is really worried about both boys right now, both of whom are dealing with some significant short term stuff with urgency potential, 2) bff's house is an hour and a half south of here and a bit out of way for OM and...

3) Holy S, they ran into bff's STBXH (my own best friend) and his current flame who just happens to be bff's AP's STBXW! (Follow all that? Incestuous, I know. At any rate, with my best bud in town (and it is a very small town) doubt W would have risked anything she could have been caught at. As an interesting sidebar, here, it is possible, just possible, that my friend might finally be seeing some results thanks to cutting the cord on his STBXW (my W's bff). My W's bff had originally planned to cook for the three or four of the girls, but changed plans at last second to make reservations at restaurant... where she knew my friend would be with his date. SHE's SHADOWING HIM, LOL! Treated him like absolute dirt... had an A with his then best-friend, cake eating like a champ, and he enabled and enabled and enabled and finally said "enough". As soon as he moved out, proceded with the divorce, and she stopped getting what she wanted, she threw a FIT. And continues to do so. At any rate, was a weird dynamic for my W, and she said so. She tried to say "hi" surreptitiously to him (I have told her in recent past how my friend stuck up for her and continued to consider her a "friend" when we were having our worst troubles) but couldn't manage to do so with bff there.

Her demeanor since returning has been generally a bit quiet and withdrawn... We talked alot at dinner after S17's soccer game today, but once home, she spent an hour on phone with her mom and then sat downstairs in comfy chair by herself on phone next to fire while i worked with S17 on college apps. She did come upstairs, though, to share some of the funny stuff she found on the phone, and we laughed and bantered and joked and even flirted a bit, and I had her laughing pretty good. (And blushing, but in a good way, i think).

She also said something interesting. When talking about my friend and her trying to get his attention and then the fact that he professed on the phone to me this morning not to have even seen her and bff when they were at restaurant, I told her that he was "not like me" and was not the most observant guy in the world. That I, for example, "saw the whole room and everyone in it" when I entered a room or establishment and noticed how they looked, what they were doing, etc. I have always been more observant than my friend, but the "new" me, one of my 180s, is to try to take a genuine interest in and notice of anyone and everyone near me instead of being so self absorbed. When I said the above, W said, but that's only you NOW, the old you, say, 10 years ago, wouldn't have entered a room like that". That's not exactly how she said it or words she used, but she said it in a way that indicated she was buying into the fact that I am a changed and different person now. Which is encouraging.








Given all that, do you think I should be trying to cajole or entice her back into counselling? Her take generally in the recent past has been "what do we need to talk about" or "everything seems to be okay", but then when we do eventually go in, which has uniformly been on my motion, we do end up talking and the sessions DO end up helping. Her best and warmest demeanor towards me has almost always been in the immediate wake of our appointments with MC... But, as I said, she is always reluctant to go in. This past time, MC gave us homework which W was very eager amd emergized to do at first, going out on her own to buy art/office supplies and then saying "lets sit down and do this". That initiative faded a bit over the subsequent three weeks, although the couple of times I have mentioned the homework she has said somethign like "I could use a copy of ________ book that she recommended" or the like.

I ask because it sounded like you thought i should back off on that a bit at one point...