Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[bttrfly]

What. The. Serious. F^$&???????????

Be grateful, brother, that you are not her

[HaWho]

Awful, just awful. I am so sorry.

I don't know how you're doing it. Keep the peace so the the d is finalized as smoothly as possible. It will get easier.

Your patience is extraordinary.

[Gordie]

Journaling:

W called me to talk as she was visibly upset. She was upset because the teens have been very disrespectful to her. She gave specific examples and I️ validated that the behavior was disrespectful and we should talk about this with the children. What I️ didn’t say is: the children are treating you disrespectfully because they have lost all respect for you! I️ didn’t say that but that’s what I️ was thinking.

[AndrewP]

the children are treating you disrespectfully because they have lost all respect for you! I️ didn’t say that but that’s what I️ was thinking.

Hi Five!

[bttrfly]

Great job practicing restraint under the most trying of circumstances.

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I don't know that it is your place to help her in her relationship with her children. Every counselor I have seen has said to let him manage his own relationship with the children and not to help or enable him.

She has to face consequences for her choices and she has to learn what it is to live a Gordie free life. Certainly if you see the disrespect when they are with you, you should correct. When my children say nasty things about my H I tell them that it is not appropriate for them to speak about their father that way, regardless of how he is behaving. Two wrongs do not make a right.

I would politely tell her that you will correct that behavior if you see it while you are with the children and that you are sure she will do the same. You are correct, they don't respect her, they likely don't trust her, and if you don't stay out of this you will negatively impact your own relationship with the kids.

[devvo]

I think negative opinions of the other parent are OK, as long as they're fair and based on factual information rather than conjecture. I think there's a fine line between getting into an "ain't they awful" rubbishing session and a genuine validation and exploration of your child's feelings.

[roist]

Ah Gordie, I am sorry you have to go through this.

My 2c worth echoes the advice to not side with your W. Validate to her. Speak individually to your kids if their behavior is unacceptable. But don't form a team with W. She left team Gordie. If you do discuss your kids disrespectful behavior with them, use the conversation to validate their own issues. They are not wrong in what they are doing, but not right in how they are doing it, if you understand the difference. Speak to them.about what they feel and think.

I am delighted to hear that you are eager to embrace the next chapter of your life. Survive this shhittyyy phase, start living fully and before you know it you will THRIVE.

Best wishes

[Brubeck]

Gordie,

Patience, my brother. We are both hanging on to sinking ships with ice cold water whipping our faces hard. We will jump off soon, this ship that they think is so wonderful.

I agree with OwnIt and roist. Do NOT assist in maintaining her relationship with the children. It was hers to break and it is hers to fix. Validate her concerns, do NOT aid her in any way.

My STBXW goes so monster on my S9 and S5 every morning just getting them ready for school that I want to distinguish myself as a different kind of parent than her.

By assisting her in maintaining good relations with your kids, in an offhand way you are validating her MLC behavior by showing support for her, this is only going to confuse the kids even further.

You've been playing it wonderfully. Keep at it.

Also, I'm curious...you said you don't want your house (I don't want my house either). What are your reasons why?

[Gordie]

Brubeck,

Thanks for stopping by. Why don’t i want the house?

Short answer is it’s too expensive for me post alminory and child support. But even if it wasn’t, it’s too big, too high maintenance, and just not my style. I let w choose the house and it’s not what I’d choose for myself.