Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Gordie]

Cali: This is something not only we have to deal with .. but anyone who has an OP in the picture. Your lawyer is right ... not a thing you can do about it. Gordie its the Holiday season, I know you have read a bit by what you have shared so I will most likely just be giving you a refresher .... many times the MLCr simply shifts the love they held for us towards the OM/OW, in your case its now transferred to the OM2, along with this is also the 'feelz' holiday brings and she will try to kid herself this new family is all she ever wanted. My BD was Sept, she moved out Nov and by Dec she had OM, his 2 kids, my son and herself all cozied up in her new place and they built a gingerbread house together .... at the time I was losing my mind, looking back that Ginger bread house was symbolic and took on a new meaning for me and now I honestly laugh at the visual.

G: Cali, th n you for sharing this painful memory. I️ feel like stbx is on the same track. She is already “building memories” with OM2 and kids. I️ can’t stand it.

Cali: My son, 6 years old at the time did not understand what was going on but did know mom was not right and OM was not 'just a friend' as he was told. This really did a number on their relationship and somehow I knew I had to be the rock .. both parents as we have discussed here all over the boards.
As bad as you think you have it ... the kids have it worse. They love both mom and dad and they know something is not right, unlike us they do not have a forum to go to, to read up on , to try to make some sort of sense out of it all.

G: thanks for the hearbreaking reminder. And yes, their pain is worse.

Cali: So the short answer, this is not going to damage your relationship with them... most likely its going to make the bond stronger as they will look to you to be the rock as they just do not explain why mom is forcing this new dude on them. As SBC said ... you will have age appropriate talks at the appropriate times. I have always been careful to remove my emotions and focus on my sons when he asks questions and have always been careful of what I share. Someone here once told me the kids are 50% you, 50% them .. so if you tell them "you mother has lost her mind, she is nuts, she is horrible for doing this" they start thinking that 50% of themselves could be just like the MLCr.

G: I️ Love that 50/50 reminder on not bad mouthing stbx.

Cali: As far as how I have handled it, luckily my MLCr knew/knows that exposing OM to me would not be a good idea ... I have never threatened him but the Old Cali would not think twice about peppering dudes nose .... tbh I would most likely just remove myself from the situation.

G: that’s my plan. To remove myself from any situation where she decides to present him. I️ can’t handle that right now.

Cali: For some strange reason she has not exposed OM to our S10 since I moved out back in Feb15, S10 did voice around that time he did not like OM (after MLCr pronounced her love for the dude and told us we had to accept it).

G. Good for your son.

Cali: So for your sitch .... she is already on OM2, its most likely going to run its course and maybe a OM3 comes in, maybe she stays solo who knows .... regardless nothing you can do so just channel your inner Clint Eastwood and do not flinch nor show emotion, go about your day and live your life as hard as it is... she is watching, and most importantly those kids are also watching.

G: thanks. You and Ginger have been a huge help.