Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Gordie]

Ginger: I have faced this challenge, which pretty much has been the biggest challenge of my whole D.

G: thank you. I was hoping you’d give me some advice.

Ginger: I guess one can say my daughter was "lucky" that she didn't have to go through the "transition" because she was under a year old when OW came into her life. I couldn't stop it, although I wanted to more than I wanted to stop the divorce. I became a new mother and now a stepmother was being brought into my D's life?!

G: I️ can’t imagine how awful that must have felt, the turmoil. And yes, this part seems worse than the actual d.

Ginger: This was mostly awful for me. I stood on this high moral ground and I said I never wanted my daughter to feel it was "ok" or the "norm" Although it took me years to realize, this was my daughter's norm. I had to make my daughter's norm as comfortable for as I could, even if it caused me pain. That was my choice.

G: ugh, this is what I️ am struggling with. Stbx is trying to make this normal for my kids. And my being is screaming: this is not normal! Everything is not okay! But I have a d friend who told me something along the same lines. You’re going to eat some s*** for your kids.

Ginger: Will this damage your R with them? ABSOLUTELY NOT. You are their father. I can tell you that does not change. My hugest fear was that it would. My daughter knows both me, and OWW in her life before she can even remember, and she knows who MOM is. Actually, it has made our R stronger. My daughter and I have a very unique bond.

G: thank you for this reassurance, it is my fear.

Ginger: All you have to be is their father, just like you have been. You will be there area of comfort and consistency and they will look towards that. I promise you this. They know. BTW, I am friendly with OWW. I work together with her sometimes for the sake of my daughter. Let me tell you how long that took. YEARS.

G: yeah. I will take some time. And who knows how long OM2 will last.

Ginger: I did not meet her until after they were married. And we are not all best friends. We are not one big happy family. But we can cheer my daughter on in sports together. We can all attend her Bday parties together.

G: yes, if they marry, then I’ll meet him. Not sure i need to do so before then.

Ginger: You do not have to feed into your Wife's delusion of being one big happy family. In her perfect world, sure she wants that. But you don't need to do that. And your kids won't suffer if you don't. Just keep open, honest conversation with them and be their rock, and your relationship will be just fine.

G: thanks. I️ can fake some things. But being one big happy family and buddies with OM2? No thanks.