My wife and I have been together for 7 years. The past 2 years have been rather bumpy, not for our relationship, but just our lives in general. I lost my dad, she lost her grandma, her aunt diagnosed with cancer. More recently, last year around this time she began experiencing fatigue. Lost her job around Christmas. Started to feel better in the spring and returned to her old job she had before. Then started feeling the fatigue again. Got a sleep study done and was diagnosed with Narcolepsy.
I did my best to support her this entire time, helping her make and driving her to doctor's appointments. Picking up the extra housework, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. Even taking on extra jobs to help us financially.
We saw another doctor for a second opinion in early September. She said the diagnosis wasn't definitive, and other factors needed ruled out. This aligned with my belief as well, that I wasn't 100% convinced (since the nature of the disease there is usually a triggering event, and there was nothing that would explain it). Doctor told her to get her vitamins to not just normal level, but optimal level, and gave her some new medication called nuvigil (a more powerful longer lasting form of what she was already taking, provigil). We also agreed she would take a work leave of absence at the end of the month to figure out how to better cope with the disease.
October rolled around, and she got a vitamin shot, started working on her art (she has been trying to put out a children's book for some time), and just chasing other dreams she has before she turns 30. She met a local artist on instagram who took an interest in her work. He at first wanted her to do a nude modeling for a picture, which we both weren't comfortable with, so I suggested maybe he could help her with her art instead. Which he did.
She immediately became enamored with her art work, staying up all night working on projects. As part of her taking a leave of work, she was supposed to be figuring out a consistent sleep schedule, and was now doing just the opposite. What's more, I missed her. I remember reading it's good for couples to go to bed at the same time, and I really wanted us to stay close, so her staying up all night was starting to weigh on me. She told her PCP she was feeling better and really excited about how things were going. Meanwhile I'm still picking up all her slack, feeling neglected, and genuinely worried about her health. Her blood pressure is practically pre-hypertension at this point which is abnormal for her. She thinks it was from the ritalin she had been taking before the new medication, but I thought it might also be due to the new medication and/or the provigil, because it was still high after she stopped the ritalin. Also the wacky sleep schedule was not good. She even admitted that maybe the new medication might be keeping her up at night. I made a few comments to her about it throughout the week. -I hope this doesn't become a habit (her: it won't) As it worsened -you're on my brother's schedule (my brother stays up all night), she took offense to this Eventually I told her I was worried about her health, and am just concerned. She said she's fine.
Anyway, after a couple weeks of this, we were at a bar and she was talking to all the guys there about her art. Now I could be wrong, but I doubt they were genuinely interested in her art as much as she is pretty and they were interested in talking to her. As we were leaving she was signing a picture she drew for one of them but didn't have a pen. The dude looked at me and called me a hater for not having a pen for my wife. I immediately pulled a pen out of my jacket.
As we were walking home she as talking about how great it was everyone loved her art, meanwhile I'm feeling like crap bc she was hanging out with all these guys and didn't even stand up for her husband when one of them was disrespecting me. I told her that's good but maybe we need to get opinions from someone other than a bar. She immediately took offense, ran ahead of me and locked herself in the bathroom. This turned into, probably our biggest fight we've ever had.
I asked her why she didn't stick up for me. She said I should have joked back with the guy. I said some stupid things like those guys don't care about your art, they just want to talk to you because you're pretty. I also told her how much it was hurting me her staying up all night and that i feel like I never see her during the day and miss her. She told me her art is the most important thing in the world, more important than me, more important than her. I was having my heart broken. I threw a plastic cup I was holding on the ground. She said I was being violent. I spent the rest of the night just pacing and trying to cope with the gravity of what she had said. Finally I sat next to her and said if you're going to stay up all night so am I. She told me to go to bed and leave her alone. I told her no. Finally she said I reminded her of some creep that followed her at a club once, so I took the hint and went to bed.
In the morning I apologized, (no apology from her) but we still were at an impasse about her staying up late. So she decided to spend the day/night with her friend. Finally the next day I told her if she really wants to spend all night on art, then I'll find a way to make it work. I also mention maybe marriage counseling would be good, she says I need to see someone first for a few sessions before she'll join. So I spend the whole day looking for counseling, and reach out to one via e-mail.
The next week we were on pretty good terms it seemed. She kept staying up late, but I let it slide even though it was difficult. During this time I guess she posted on instagram about having insomnia. Remember, this is someone who is supposed to have narcolepsy.
Her instagram presence grew during this time, posting more often. She told me it was to build a following for her art and modeling dreams. I was as supportive as I could be, but again I'm still concerned about her health.
Finally, I meet her and some friends a happy hour one day. Her friends are talking about some new thing she is starting. I'm clueless and ask what is going on. She tells me and i don't know how to react. She says she has an interview at a modeling agency tomorrow. I ask her what about the chiropractor appointment we have together. She says she won't be going. I tell her we plenty of time to make it, I'll drive if she wants to get ready in the car for her appointment. I'm a little upset she just would schedule this and not cancel her appointment, but am just trying to get her to do both. Finally I give in and say I'll tell the doctor you had something come up.
Later we talk about it and I am still feeling guilty about the first time and tell her I support her and give her a hug. She says it's about time, all her friends and family support her. I ask her what she means. She says at the bar I didn't react favorably. I tell her my side, being the last one to find out about something important like this, was kind of hurtful. We agree we're both mis-communicating.
That weekend (before halloween) we go out with friends to the bars. Me and her have a great time with everyone. The next day she does it again with my sister. 2 nights in a row of staying up late. The next day she is up early because we have a memorial mass for my father. We spend the day at my mom's and have a good time.
Monday I help her get ready for the day ahead. I ask her if she wants to keep her dentist appoint the next day since she has her first day at work and might be hard to do both. She says yes. After I get off work I call her just to check in. She seems annoyed, I guess she was trying to nap and I woke her. I brush it off. We also go to her mom's to celebrate her new job. She starts telling them about it and gets really emotional. We pop champagne and I toast saying "hopefully this new job is really successful." Later Help her pack up her car with props for her job as this new webcam girl model she insists there's no nudity and it's really professional--I give her the benefit of a doubt).
The next day I'm leaving work and go to call her to see how her first day went. When I take out my phone I see she has been trying to reach me. Apparently she was running late to her dentist appoint and didn't know where it was and needed my help. I call her, she answers frustrated and says she's not frustrated at me. Says she's not keeping it. I ask her if she still plans on meeting me at the eye doctor to help me pick out new frames. She says she's too tired and is planning to go out with her friend later so she wants to go home and nap. I tell her if she wants she can go to my mom's and I can meet her there (since it's close). She agrees.
At my mom's I walk in an see her lying on the couch trying to nap. She tells me about her day and I hug her, and listen. I still kind of have my reservations so I'm not acting super excited but not saying anything negative either. She asks me if I can make her soup after a nap. I say sure.
Well my sister comes over and starts talking to her. She starts getting upset with me because I didn't make her soup and asking where her soup was. I ask her if she's ever going to nap. She says no and yells at me to make her soup. I begrudgingly go into the kitchen to start making her soup, feeling neglected and like a servant. I put the bowl in the microwave and sit down at the table to start drawing on a pumpkin with a sharpie. Next thing I know she comes storming into the kitchen pissed and yelling at me about the soup. I'm frustrated and have a knee-jerk reaction of throwing the sharpie at her. She says I hurt her. I immediately apologize and says sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. She says we'll talk about this later, and I stay sternly, "we will". Me standing up for myself isn't working and she is incredibly upset with me now. Watches some show with my sister to take her mind off it.
Finally after some time she goes up to the bathroom upstairs. I knock and ask her if we can talk. She says no she's angry. I say again I'm sorry I threw the marker. She says that I'm physically violent and abusive, and most women would have left me by now.
I go downstairs and ask my mom and sister about what just happened. Was I really that out of line? I mean I know I shouldn't have thrown a marker, but is this reaction normal? They are both really surprised by her actions both before and after the marker, and my sister says she'll talk to her.
I'm talking to my mom when she comes down, and she asks me not to talk to me mom about it. Says we can work it out in counseling and is hopeful we can. I say ok. Later I go in an tell her from my heart, I would never intentionally hurt you. She says she's not so sure. Also I'm like this black cloud raining on her parade with her new job and modeling. I tell her I do support her, but I am honest with her and tell her I just have some valid reservations. We leave it at that and have a good rest of the night. We go home, make up, and make love (her idea). I think things are improving between us.
The next day she goes to her job, then meets a friend I've never seen before at the bars after work. Ends up closing down the bars, comes home at like 3 am. Stays up later to draw.
The next day she's out again, goes out with friends from work to try to get to know them. Same thing. Gets in late. Again stays up late drawing. Aside from worrying about her at night, I'm beginning to get a complex she doesn't like me. Finally I tell her please just let me know when you're coming home and get home so I don't worry. She agrees.
She's also working a LOT at her job at this point in time. She's excited by how much money she is making and spends a ton of time at the job. Burning the candle on both ends. She tells me know guy offered to pay her lots of money for her to watch him masturbate but said she'd have to ask her husband. I tell her I don't know how I feel about that.
After this goes on for 4 days I tell her I miss her. She says I always say that when she's doing art. But literally the only time I've seen her was when I was getting up for work and she was going to bed. She finally says Sunday will be a good day for us. Well Saturday night she comes home wasted. Hungover on Sunday and sleeps in. I help her recover and give her some remedies. We drive out to pick up her car she left at the bar and walk around the city some. We go to the CBD bar she was talking about and wanted to show me. She buys some gifts for her friends there and CBD oil for herself to help her draw art and I guess to sleep as well (as I will later find out by looking at her instagram--she was having mania and difficulty sleeping). We spend a few hours together but really it's dominated by her being on her phone on instagram. Finally we go grocery shopping because we haven't been to the store in weeks. Then she decides she's going to go in to work. I tell her I understand wanting to strike while the iron is hot, and the first week is her being promoted. Besides I knew Monday was going to be a big day for us. I just didn't know at the time in what way.
Monday was a day we had been looking forward to for months. I splurged and bought expensive seats for Bob Dylan. Also, as a surprised, I upgraded them even further to 2nd row. I was excited to tell her about it that night. We had plans to meet at 4 at the house so we'd have plenty of time. I reminded her more than once about the timing and she said she wouldn't miss it and was excited.
She doesn't come home until 3-4 in the morning Sunday night, and again stays up all night doing art work or something. Finally she comes to bed around 6 or 7? I'm pretty tired and worried from what's going on so I'm sleeping in late to try and catch up--I just sleep so much better when she's safe next to me--so I'm getting some good Z's in. I wake up at 9, she's not in bed. She was up talking to someone on instagram and says she's going to be doing a music video with a local rap artist who is going to be flying his private jet to meet with her and tutor her. I'm not sure how to react. She's also been talking differently, using terms I'm not sure where she picked them up from, but lying in bed she was speaking to me in rhymes and couldn't just talk normal. Said I was disrespecting her for not understanding. She went on about how she is a "mom" and needs to lift up women to be "queens" and is on this mission. Then says she needs to help comfort her "mom" (the supervisor at the agency) who just had her boyfriend leave her.
She knows I want to leave around 4 so we have plenty of time to hang out before the concert and have a nice day together. It’s 5 and she’s still not back. She hasn’t even made it to the agency yet because she was getting her nails done first. Finally she gets home a little after 6. In the mean time I was trying to make the best of it and started making a nice steak dinner. I have the music on, candles lit, all the food is ready when she walks in the door and I’m mixing drinks. Perfect setting. She is so happy to see what I’ve done and walks into the kitchen giving me a big and long kiss. Then proceeds to apologize for being late, saying that her nail artist was treating it like a ceremony. I’m still preparing things and admittedly only half listening, and let out a chuckle to let her know I’m laughing it off. Her expression immediately changes. She asks why I’m laughing at her. I say I’m not. She asks why I’m laughing. I say I’m laughing at the stylist for being so particular. This upsets her and she runs into the bathroom, saying “She was beautiful. She was Christ. You laughed at Christ.”
I don’t know what just happened, and am trying to piece it together. I ask her if she’s going to come out as the food is getting cold. Finally she shows up. I ask if she’s ok, and I’m sorry if I said anything to upset her. She goes on about how I keep hurting her. I’m trying to understand, and I glean that they were doing some sort of prayer (I guess this is when that recent mass shooting happened), grieving together. I tell her I thought you meant she was just being really particular. She continues being upset and raising her voice. I calmly ask her not to raise her voice at me. She tells me she will “not be silenced” and starts screaming at me. Honestly I don’t remember the next things she’s screaming, louder than she ever has before, all I remember is apologizing and saying I don’t understand, but am trying to. She tells me she can’t go to the concert with me. I ask her to reconsider. She still says no, I should just go with someone else or give her the tickets. I finally let her take them, since it was her birthday gift.
I’m an emotional wreck at this point, shaking because I don’t know what happened. I promised her I wouldn’t bring our family into our problems, but this was a huge betrayal on her part, an “expensive lesson” as she puts it. More than that, I’m incredibly upset that she would do that to me, over a simple miscommunication. So I call her mom and we talk a little about it. After her calming me down, I try texting my wife again, asking her if we can talk and saying how big a night this was supposed to be. She tells me no and to respect her boundaries. I tell her I do respect her. Was looking forward to this night for months and I don’t even know why she’s doing this and she’s not giving me a chance. Then tell her how much I love her and care about her no matter what and I would never hurt her intentionally and wish I knew what she wanted from me.
She was planning to spend the night on the couch at the modeling place, but I tell her no, please be safe and sleep at the apartment. I’ll leave for the night. I finally just ask her to let me know when she is safe at home.
The next events I find out from instagram. Apparently she is at the concert with one of her friends I don’t know. She was warned by security for something and ended up leaving the concert. She thinks the security guard was out of line.
The next morning I wake up to her texting me that she’s at the airport heading to Oakland Ca for a photo shoot.
I’m shocked, ask her who and where. I only get the name of the company. I look them up and they’re not based out of Oakland. She says she is legit, I’m not respecting her boundaries, and I need to let her FLY (as in become this superstar model she wants to be). I tell her it’s not respectful to go places and not tell anyone any details so they worry about her. It’s not just me either, she’s not really telling anyone much of anything her mom included. My sister who she’s really close with. Everyone.
I found out, again via instagram, she only got 1 hour of sleep that night. Apparently she met someone at the concert who was a photographer and they wanted her to come out to Oakland. She has a video of her looking spaced out, driving to the airport on her instagram. Saying how she is going to “shine like a diamond” etc..
I’m freaking out and talk about it with my family and hers. Everyone is worried about her. Before this I had suspected that the new medication might be to blame for her staying up all night and causing this behavior, and I look further into that theory. I call her doctors and let them know what’s going on. They agree it’s incredibly odd behavior and doesn’t match her narcolepsy diagnosis at all. If anything, it might have been some underlying undiagnosed condition, and the medication just exacerbated it or brought it to the fore front.
My sister makes the mistake of texting the girl she was at the concert with, asking if my wife might have been on anything. The girl then told my wife about it, who feels betrayed by my sister. Calls her a Judas. Then immediately texts me, telling me it’s over, she doesn’t like the manipulator I’ve become, to pack my things and leave the apartment and get divorce papers.
I also reached out to her counselor friend and ask to talk. Figuring she's a counselor and familiar with these diseases, she might be able to offer more insight. I tell her what's going on and she says she doesn't think my wife has been acting weird. Says something about standing my ground and not pushing ally one way or another. Also I should probably take half the money out of the bank account. This is something the doctor's and her parents suggested as well. I thank her and ask her to keep the conversation confident.
I get the login information to her bank account and start monitoring it. I also check her gmail the next day just to keep tabs on her and see where she might be staying. I'm genuinely worried.
Well somehow she finds out I was monitoring the bank account and her gmail. Calls her mom furious at me. Her mom says "it's scary". Our counselor friend told me I have a right to the apartment, but I'm honestly scared to go back there. In the mean time I've also been reaching out to the marriage counselor for advice. My head is spinning and I look online for help, and find out about a bipolar support group. I go there and tell my self, and they all seem to agree it's bipolar. One girl says the drinking just makes it worse. The next day our counselor friend says she her from my wife and she seems fine. I tell her that I went to a bipolar group and they all seem to think it's bipolar, and that I called the crisis network for advice and they said they could send a mobile team out, but I didn't know what to do and don't want to do the wrong thing. I tell her I'm going to meet with another counselor friend (they both went to school together with my wife), and ask if she can join. She doesn't get back to me til later.
The next day I decide it's best I give my wife space and honor her boundaries. I write her a nice letter and draw her a picture (how she shows affection for others), leave her a voicemail saying I'm giving her space and respecting her boundaries and going to spend some time at my mom's. She actually responds positively telling me what's going on and that she'll be at a modeling show on Friday for her birthday and hopes to see me saturday for her birthday party. Meanwhile on instragram she's saying how she's moving to california. Tells her mom as much.
I'm spending the day with the other counselor friend just telling him what's going on, but feeling hopeful that maybe I can at least get her to talk to me in person on saturday. Well in the mean time the first counselor friend I reached out to and asked to keep our conversations confident, went ahead and talked to my wife for about an hour. Next thing I know my wife is posting on instagram about how I'm verbally, physically, and mentally abusive. How I turned her family against her and convinced them she has bipolar, is on drugs, and is going to have her committed at her 30th birthday party.
Completely undermining even the little bit of progress I made with my wife. I text our counselor friend asking what she said and call her out. It wasn't even true, she lied to my wife. Then she told my wife I saw the post and mentioned the crisis center (I'm not supposed to be seeing any of these posts because I've been blocked, yet her profile is public). Worst counselor ever. Feel completely betrayed, and the other counselor friend I'm with is shocked by what she did.
Find out she's going to be coming home friday and spending the night at her mom's after the fashion show. I make myself scared at the apartment, rewrite the letter to just state facts and to show her I love her and am committed to her and to remember us for who we were. That I'm willing to be by her side through her dreams and won't hold her back. That I set up an appointment with a counselor and hope she can join for an upcoming session when she's ready. Most of all I tell her how much I love her, and how I've proven my love time and again over our marriage with examples and I'll prove it again.
The next day, when she got into the airport, she blamed me for moving her car and making her search for it in the cold. I know this because she called me a monster on Instagram and made a video about it. Her mom tries to tell her that doesn't make sense. She never stops by the apartment for the letter
Later that day she can't get into her bank account because her PIN has been changed. She blames me for changing it, even though I don't have access myself to the account. I think she may have changed it when she found out I was monitoring it and forgot. Whatever the case, I got the blame, and she makes another instagram post about how she was going to pay me for her right but isn't now because I tried to steal from her. How I'm the worst kind of person imaginable, a monster, and if I have any shred of humanity left I'll get divorce papers and mail them to her. She decides she's going back to california that night (she has no friends or family out there, other than strangers she may have just met).
I saw this morning she was at the airport with 3 guys, on her way back to california. I still haven't reached out to her since my voicemail. I tried analyzing what's been going on. On the one hand I do believe it really might be bipolar, on the other hand it could just be paranoia and other things caused by lack of sleep. There is also some truth in there that we were having some issues, mostly miscommunications, because so many big changes were being made by her and we never had time to sit down and discuss it--but nothing that couldn't have been fixed.
At this point, the wife I knew seems to be gone. I don't know if she'll ever return or what that will entail. Her mom said she went through a similar episode when younger, before she met me, but that they chalked it up to adolescence. My wife told me, and her mom, on separate occasions, this is who she really is, and she was just suppressing it the last 7+ years. It's odd because she seemed really happy with me, so I don't know if I fully believe that. Whatever the case, this new person in my wife's body is not who I married. I'm feeling grief over her loss.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. All her stuff is back here. She left her friends, family, everything behind.
I've thought about downloading some of the videos she posted as evidence, in case this does come to trial. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove, whether she's mentally ill or what. But at the very least if her accusations of abuse come against me, I might be able to defend myself by showing she was no operating on much sleep and was having paranoia.
Optimistically, maybe it is something that can pass and she may be rational again. She eventually returned to speaking with her mother before in the past. Of course her mom is family. So I don't know if I should hold hope that she'll do the same for me--even though I loved her more than anyone. Still do.
