How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[CT1118]

Clyde,

I'm actually not sorry you are here. My reason for not feeling sorry for you is that I've never been sorry I had to be here. You indicated in one of your posts that you wanted to trust experience of those who have experienced, well sir, my experience from here is that I am a better man because of it, and at 1.4 years since my first post I am still a junior by DB standards.

Next, it took me 2 hours to read all of your writing, so do me a solid and digest what I am about to say, this will be long and I pull no punches, but bear with me as I intend it to meet your stated goals.

You do a good job w you journal and telling your story, but as your sitch gets longer, your signature, well...nice quote, but the sig. really sux. Don't dissuade good advice by not summing up the basic info like age, BD, M, etc. in your sig. After you have cycled out and then come back to help you can drop most of the BS in it, but while running an 'asking for help' thread, hook people up and get that basic s**t out there quickly.

I'm trusting you Clyde, otherwise I've chosen poorly on whom I reply to:

What I’d like to get out of this board is 2 things:

1st - Support and encouragement...many of my friends and family think I’m crazy for wanting to save my marriage at this point, some have even told me they will never talk to me again if we do reconcile…

OK, my view is that the DB board supports you finding your backbone, finding your balls, and finding your logical mind; generally the body parts you were born with and forgot about. Further, the DB board encourages you to change at least one thing, to get a life, and mostly to fight for self; e.g who are you, what do you want, why do you matter to you? At least thats is what I got from it. Family and friends only tend to agree with you or push you to fit the mold of pop culture and 'get tough', 'dump her', 'we'll always be there for you', and other trite s**t like that. Once you find you backbone, balls, and logical mind, I trust you will know what to say to that simple minded misguided turd who said they would never talk to you again if you reconciled...I know I would've suggested that, reconcile or not, they begin not talking to me ever again as soon as possible.

2nd - Advice (yes I understand that includes constructive criticism and welcome it). I’ve been reading this forum for a few months and have learned a lot from it. While I have pursued and tried to fix since the moment the W mentioned D, over the past month and a half I refrained from it more than before, having not once gotten the W to engage other than to tell me what a horrible H I was (some of what she would say had validity, most did not), she finally started to genuinely engage in the conversations over the past week and a half. This threw me for a loop and finally lead me to start the thread as I was not sure whether or not to continue initiating the conversations, along with the family dinners, a.m. tea, etc. as we discussed in an earlier post

To the above, on no. 2, I believe Kaizen & AnotherStander did an excellent job of beating the hell out of you about what you actually did not learn, the good job you hoped you were doing and were not , and yet they did so in a way where the 2x4's were actual empathetic and helpful. We all care about you Clyde and want you to be well. Please take careful note that I said you and mentioned no others. Sir, you are no good to others if you are not good to you first(EastTN's 4 points above)...a great segue for my favorite in your 1st thread (yes, with respect, I did reorder the words to make my point, but changed no words - original from p.8 of your first post):

Reality is all that you have. ...stop teaching her that she can treat you anyway she wants. ...trust that this is who she is now... Model healthy boundaries and enforce them. If you won't enforce them, don't pretend to have them...

I re-ordered 25YMLC because I want you to fully understand something...its about you Clyde, not her, not her friends, not family, but you sir. Its about Clyde learning Clyde. Clyde as a father, Clyde as husband, Clyde as self. How you relate to yourself, and I do believe that is the strongest (additionally sexiest, manliest, father-like, powerful, etc.) thing you can show the world. A presentation of confidence. You have not learned this yet. My illustration of evidence is that just today you mention:

I'm going to break down the dynamic of outings w/ the "sister" in its own post... hope this might shed some light on my stance, if not, I'm all ears.

It doesn't matter, Tread & Gordie already covered above that her friends su*k a bowl of d*cks and so did you for that matter, I don't even recall who mentioned that W is not original, but we get it. She is on script man (and there is a script, please read homework from Cadet and this makes sense). No break down needed. And...

I hear you, I'm just having a hard time dismissing the text of my W defending me to the friends, proclaiming her love etc... only to have them tell her she was crazy.

Wait...you're telling us the "sister's" who want W to hit up the club every night, bang dudes they are not married to, ignore adult responsibility, and generally do who they want/what they want/when they want also think W is crazy for loving the first man she slept with, fell in love with, had children with, because she is having doubts about leaving you?!? Is that even possible?........ Yes, I'm a sarcastic prick, but seriously, re-read yourself and quite having a hard time w that one - there is nothing hard about it.

On validating, you may have read DR "several times", but you definitely did not do the homework that Cadet told you to do on p.1 of your 1st thread. Have you thought to yourself "why does sandi2 and other real old school'ers offer such awesome advice to others, but not to me"? ***<hint>*** do the homework. Read Wonka's "Validation: Cheat Sheet" post, which is the 3rd post on Newcomers, and prove you did so in your actions.

Clyde, You want DB experience? If you are bored with me so far, stick it out through this, I wrote it about my DB in February 2017, it sums up my entire GD experience here and takes us both back to what I began with in my intro:

To fight Hell, you must be prepared to dismantle yourself. You must let go of yourself. You must review your own abuse, shortcomings, faults, and fallibility. You must stare stare fear, anger, and ego in the face each day; sometimes you blink. But if you can acknowledge who you have been, how you got there, and where you want to be, you can develop new strategies. You begin to lovingly detach from the other person, you begin to wake up, you begin to believe in what you can do and what you want as an individual. You begin to see victory on the horizon. You become deliberate in living for you. This is if you make it this far, it is not a fight for the weak of character.

And how does a fight for Hell assist the one you thought you began this fight for? Because the truth of love, real & honest love, is that one must know and love themselves to be mentally and emotionally fit enough to love another. But we marry young or we marry when unresolved of another or we marry wrong. This is a battle that is long, it is painful, and it will deprecate your heart, mind, and soul if you allow it; allow it by spying, allow it by obsession, allow it by convention. But hopefully, in the end, you come out to be the person you never felt brave enough to be. This fight is not "forget and move on" or "forgo and move out" , this is something new, this is...Forgive and become - become of one's self.

Damage was done, but dmn if you can't grow, you can't accept, and you can't be. You can. The love of your life looks like you and you alone. You gotta get you first before you get to others. Only then will you present a package that others can be proud of and proud to stand beside. You do this and victory looks like daylight, Hell is in retreat. The Fight For Self is absolution. You gotta be all in for the fight for you, you do this and you are free, oh so free. Now get some you.

I wish you a peaceful sleep tonight sir.
-CT118