Hey J. Yeh, I think this is a bit of a tough one just because trying to figure out the balance between what might be best for the kids vs what you want to do as DBing.
Like AS pointed out, I feel like I am in a much better place emotionally and mentally that I could go either way as I have no expectations from having W around. At the same time, I am also really psyched about creating some tradition with my kids that include quality time with them and me on these types of special days.
D hasn't asked yet whether we're doing the bday with me and W. Not sure what W has planned in terms of the bday celebration. I am leaning towards planning my day with D and having a fun day with her. I also want to step into a different role for these days than I did in the past. In the past, W would organize the bday and all of that and her and I would make the cake together. I would run the bday parties but she would do all the organization and planning. I want to take a more active role now and plan and do something all by myself - which includes learning how to bake some good cakes lol. I am great at cooking, but W did all the baking.
I am going to wait to see if W invites me to whatever bday celebration she's planning. I am going to go ahead and plan a day for myself anyways because there are things I want to do with D and make her day special.
I think your xmas situation is fairly similar. I favor Sandi's more hardline stance that the WAS/WW doesn't get to partake in 'family' activities anymore. This counts as one of them. I personally don't consider us as a 'family' unit. We're co-parents.
I also want kids to adjust to this new normal because even if we celebrate something together this year, I don't plan on doing that indefinitely. I'd rather have my special time with the kids on their bdays and she can do her thing. I take the separation down to the letter pretty much - she asked for it and doesn't want to work on the MR whatsoever, so be it. I get to control what I want to do and how.
So, I am going to wait and see what W says and gauge how the kids are feeling about this. If I sense that we should have a joint celebration, then I will do it. I will still plan a special day with D so that I get quality time with her for her bday. I don't want to make a decision from a point of being punitive to W, but she doesn't get the same level of cooperation and access to me and my time any more. I will only agree to it if it seems better for the kids. And I will do it this year if it comes down to it and assess again next year.
I didn't go for Halloween this year with W because I didn't want to. Kids still had a blast and I had a blast with them about the candy and everything afterwards.
